April 1, 2014
Dear Head Pro,
I've been dating this super sweet pro for only about a month now, seeing each other once or twice a week. He's always referring to things in the future. Like doing a summer sports league together and that sort of thing. Granted it's been a really great month, how soon is too soon to see if he wants to come to an out-of-state wedding with me? We actually haven't slept together yet but have been, for lack of a better expression, pretty hot and heavy.
I have another month to RSVP but obviously I'm curious what you think. The wedding itself would be at the end of three months. Also, I'm going to know maybe like 1/4 of the people on the grooms side, that's it. Maybe less. How soon is too soon to ask someone be a wedding date? Like could I do it now after a month or would that be weird? When would be
Dear Too Soon,
Yeah, it’s probably too soon. Also, I’m assuming your invitation said “and guest,” right? Because if not, that answers that question. I think, and I have no real basis for this, that two months of steady, exclusive dating is plenty of time to justify bringing a guy as your date to an out-of-state wedding. As adults, a month is a decent litmus test. If you can last that long as a couple, there’s no reason to assume you can’t continue to truck along together. Hopefully, in the coming weeks your dates will become more frequent.
You’re in the enviable position of just having cleared a month yet also having a whole other one before you have to RSVP. Maybe mention the fact that your friend’s wedding is on the horizon lest he have any weird issues with them (“I cannot attend weddings, as I break out in hives in the presence of true love”), but that’s it, really. Maybe a few weeks from now, when/if you’re in something you would comfortably call a “boyfriend-girlfriend relationship,” then you can go ahead and ask him.
Dear Head Pro,
My girlfriends and I are noticing a lame trend; Our careers are great for our wallets, but not for boyfriends. Hear me out. I'm a successful young woman in NYC and there is a good chance I make just as much, if not more money than the guys I tend to gravitate towards i.e. anyone with a legit stable career. I watch as much ESPN as I do Bravo and despite spilling my shit to someone I don't know via email, I consider myself to me one of the "normal ones." I don't by any means flaunt my money, but I do present myself nicely. I'm totes comfortable at Per Se one second and then zip lining through the rain forest the next....Basically, like many betches in a big city, I'm a size 2, I went to a great school and I'm not a total whore, so what the fuck gives?
When men approach me, I typically have a casual yet proper interaction with them and they're hooked! We then go on a date and dabble in career, family and travel talk and before I can even pay for desert (a lady always offers to pay for dessert or one round of drinks), they're looking around for the next anorexic, air head skank to bone and me and my Prada bag are left to hail a cab back home for a night of wine, ice cream and Sixteen fucking Candles, before gathering my shit and doing this all over again.
I don't want to dumb myself down so a dude can feel more superior...?...I have no idea what the hell feeling it is that dudes seek. And as fucking lame as it sounds, the man that I am supposed to chill with for like..ever, will love me the way I am. But whatever the hell it is that I am doing right now, is proving more as a repellent.
Is it true? Do guys only like girls that look like anorexic betches? Is it truly unattractive when a woman has an education? Is it gross it have a sweet career? We grow up being taught that skinny, kind, educated, pretty people are the only ones who end up with love, happiness and money. Well I am happy, I have money but my shit gets lonely when I see couples running around all over the damn place.
Sorry for sounding like an idiot,
Betch in The City
Dear Betch in the City,
Well, you don’t sound like an idiot, so no need to beat yourself down. However, I am sensing something of a self-perception issue. You may be the most interesting girl alive, but your description of yourself reads like a parody of a terrible Match.com profile (ESPN/Bravo, Per Se/ziplining (?), name-dropping your passe bag manufacturer). Maybe cool it with that, a little?
Anyway, in the interest of brevity, I think three things are happening:
1) You basically admitted this yourself: There’s nothing special about you. You’re just like many other “betches in a big city,” as you say. What you’re learning is that being “skinny, kind, educated, pretty” only nets you an invite to the dance that is “love, happiness and money;” it doesn’t guarantee you a dance partner. Tell me more about this ziplining, or what specifically you like to watch on Bravo or ESPN - set yourself apart in some way, however small.
2) Leading with how awesome and (un)exceptional your life is doesn't exactly make clear how dating you would either offer him anything or offer him the opportunity to improve your life, especially when you want to date like-minded men. People want to feel needed. They want to feel like the bond they share with you creates something greater than the sum of its parts. Though you’re justified in being proud of your success, maybe stick to more subjective topics that offer room for the guys you date to offer some of their own perspective.
3) Truth be told, guys don’t give a shit about a girl’s success, at least not initially. Of course ambition and goals are important long-term, but no one says "one of the things I find hot about her is how well she's doing career-wise.” I mean, guys will hit on the cashier at Chipotle if she’s hot and looks like she might have a story to tell, for fuck’s sake. People really only tolerate talk of work from their friends, family and other loved ones. Until you’re one of those things, you’re not doing yourself any favors by making it seem like your job is all you have going for you.
So no, guys aren’t only attracted to “anorexic betches,” and there’s nothing “gross” about an education or a career. And no, by no means should you dumb yourself down, not for a guy or anyone else. It’s more that no one wants to date what you present as a weird, walking humanoid combination of a resume and a credit card statement. There are better ways to use your success and ego to your advantage - have a little mystery about you. You should make them want to find out these things about you, not beat them over the head with it on date #1.