We’re back this week in Kona, where the cast mates have taken the short bus back to their island home to celebrate their “victory” of getting 3 matches. Former-Fat Boy-Alec is like “we got three matches in three weeks, that’s impressive.” Clearly you’ve never done something genuinely impressive in your life.
They go home and bitch about the “fake couples of the house”, and Britni is like “I wanna take an alcohol bottle and beat someone on the head with it.” I guess in Bum-Fuck-Nowhere in the South where Britt is from that’s an acceptable thing, but here in established and civil America that’s just legit assault.
Alec is like “I actually really like Amanda” and tells Magic Mike that he is going to hit on her. Mike’s like, okay whatever Vagisil, you’re way too big of a vagina for Amanda. And Alec only really likes Amanda because she is “strong,” which is a funny way of saying trashy. Either way, Amanda is too hot and too outspoken for Alec and he probably only likes her because she reminds him of the girls who turned him down in high school. Some revenge of the nerds shit up in here. Let’s be honest, girls with asses like Amanda’s do not talk to dudes with faces like Alec’s.
Kayla is like “I’m old school Italian, we don’t just hook up with a bunch of people.” Oh I’m sure your fucking grandparents are very proud of you being on an MTV dating show. In case you haven’t noticed, being old school Italian doesn’t mean jack shit to MTV. We all saw Jersey Shore.
Kayla: I’m old school Italian so we don’t kiss multiple guys in a week. We just sleep with one dude we barely know consistently and blame it on the “connection” we share. Mamma Mia.
Chelsey, the aspiring psychologist, is having a breakdown over seeing Connor and Kayla continue to hook up. They get into an argument over this dude who seriously looks like an overgrown man child, and Chelsey starts crying. If this bitch gets her doctorate degree, it will further prove that our education system is failing us.
Kayla: “I’m so sick of everyone in this motherfucking house” –me, living in the sorority
Chuck and Britni are aggressively wrestling, and they look like the poster couple for Nazi youth. Britni’s voice could honestly be used as a torture device in this “play fight” that they have. Chuck’s says his heart lies with Hannah but Britni’s tits in his face are making it difficult. Also, Britni is the current Kona chapter president of the itty-bitty-titty committee. Where did you get your bikini Brit? Limited Too?
Kiki is disgusted by this whole fight and it’s first time I agree with Kiki. Let’s cherish this moment while it lasts.
Ryan Devlin, the guy who looks like he should be a midget but shockingly isn’t, is back to explain the game. In the game, they have to hold on to a hotdog on each end with their mouths, while trying to get through a maze with their partner. All these situations are so realistic. Like ugh, I can’t tell you how many times I have a fucking wiener in my mouth while trying to play puzzles. It’s constant.
I can’t tell if Britni has a southern accent or a lisp, but either way it’s awful. She’s like “Chuck and I have sexual tension you can cut with scissors” and it’s like…. Hmmm well you can cut a fucking piece of string with scissors so that metaphor is really lackluster. Chuck and Brittni pair up and Chuck takes this challenge really seriously.
Chuck: If I can overcome a wiener maze with her, marriage is the next step.
The winners end up being Zak/Cheyenne and Britni/Chuck. Hannah is like whatever, I’m still better than Britni. Don’t you forget it, Hanz.
When they go home Stacey is still trying to fuck Alec, even though he’s not into it at all. The best line of the night award is brought to you in part by Stacey who asks Alec if he’s gay. Honestly it’s a fair question.
Sure, Stacey is kind of a stage 5 clinger, but Alec’s penis has literally shriveled up and started collapsing on itself at this point. Being a sensitive guy is cute, but at this point Alec might as well be starring in a tampon commercial, I mean Jesus Christ.
They all decide to get drunk and dance in their living room for some reason. Hunter is like “this dance is going to lead to all ten matches” and it’s like, chill out Larry the Cable Guy, it’s just a fucking dance.
Speaking of chilling out, Rashida is coming in way too hot on Devin’s drunk ass. She really thinks she and Devin have a connection and it’s like, why would you even want a connection with Devin? I could think of a zillion things I would rather do than have a connection with Devin. Chopping off my left arm and then subsequently punching myself in the face with it, is one of them.
Mike starts grinding on Stacey, who maybe he got confused for Amanda idk all these bitches look the same, and Freckles/Amanda sees and gets mad. He’s like “babe I wasn’t even into it” which is basically like saying “babe I only put the tip in so it doesn’t count.” There is trouble in GTL paradise and then Mike is like “I’m so done with this bitch”, which is code for “Amanda meet me in the boom-boom room in 10.”
Amanda and Alec are talking and Alec looks like he is holding back tears the whole time. He’s just so excited to talk to an actual hot human being. Alec is going to star in the next Mike Jones video. “Back then hoes didn’t want me, now I’m hot, hoes all on me.”
However, Amanda wants a guy who can basically tell her to shut the fuck up and Alec is too big of a bitch to do that. I’m gonna bet that’s probably not love right there.
They are going to see manta rays and Cheyenne is like “tf is a manta ray?” Cheyenne, give me your fucking address. I have Amazon Prime, I can ship you a book in like 2 days girl, I got you. #learningisfun!
Zak/bae is finally getting airtime and seeing Hawaii, which is like the whole goal of this show, right? Whereas Cheyenne is acting like they are riding bareback on a giant shark instead of snorkeling 80 feet above some neutered sting rays.
Chuck keeps calling Britni his mermaid because she likes water. Then he proceeds to call himself a mermaid because he too, enjoys water. That’s like two people who like flying talking about it and being like WE ARE BIRDS. No. Just fucking stop with this mermaid bullshit.
Chuck acts like he is Ace Ventura with this shit. He is one with the goddamn Ocean, that Chuck. However, we all know that water is the essence of beauty and beauty is the essence of life.
Chuck’s parents: Chuck, it’s time to get a real job and stop trying to be a mermaid on national television.
Chuck: IT’S MERMAN, POP! MERMAN!
Zak and Cheyenne are flirting and Zak is like, yo we could be a match because we both have senses of humor and are actually normal, and Cheyenne is like, tru. As thrilled as I am for Bae and Cheyenne, I’m still holding hope for Zak and Hannah because come on, think of the beautiful babies.
Meanwhile, Chuck is hanging out with Britni, aggressively flirting while she cackles off into the distance like a hyena on crack. If Chuck squints his right eye, complete closes his left eye and takes like 10 shots beforehand, Britni moderately looks like Hannah. Therefore, she’ll have to do. They start making out while whispering names of marine life in each other's ear to keep things hot and heavy. Nothing gives Chuck a bigger boner than bottlenose dolphins.
When Chuck gets home, Hannah breaks into the bathroom and starts making out with him. Bold move Cotton, let’s see how it works out for her.
Chuck tells Brittni, because he’s a piece of shit obvi and Brittni plays it off like she’s cool with it, but then immediately leaves the conversation to google “how to bury a body.”
Before the truth booth everyone is talking and Nelson is like, lol Cheyenne and Zak aren’t a match. And it’s like, here’s to hoping because Zak is still bae and idk if I’m emotionally ready for him to get a match. However Zak is way better for Cheyenne than Nelson, who is a less hot version of Coach from New Girl.
Ryan Dev stirs the pot and asks Britt/Chuck about the date. Chuck is like, lol I think I’m in love. Whereas Britni takes the ghetto road and calls out Hannah, dubbing her the “motherfucking definition of stupidity”. Britni, this is Are You The One, not Rock Of Love. Your trashiness is so 2008.
Britni: Everyone thinks I’m a southern belle and I’m not annoying as fuck but they are wrong.
Lucky for us, the whole cast is just as fucking stupid as Chuck in Brittni because consistency is key on this show. Everyone is like “Chuck and Britni should be voted in because they both like water.” Again that’s like saying, “they should be voted in because they like food” or some other generic shit.
Chuck and Brittni go to the truth booth, acting like they are in love after a fucking date, and DON’T GET A FUCKING MATCH. Hannah is totes loving it btw. You slay girl.
Chuck’s like “well fuck me right? That’s all the blonde girls in the house, guess it’s time to take one for the team and start talking to Rashida.”
Zak: “They picked her and Chuck because they both like scuba diving” True, but actually they really only went snorkeling. Scuba takes a legit license and certification and some actual common sense, which I’m not sure Brit has. Sorry bae, just spitting facts here.
Hannah is upset because Chuck didn’t defend her when Brittni called her a whore and she starts crying. Hannah, if you’re going to let one stupid prick ruin your chance at finding love, then you’re not the girl I thought you were.
Oh also, it’s worth mentioning that Rashida still wants Devin and is upset that he’s with Kiki. It’s like the most irrelevant but continuous plotline of this whole shitty season.
THE MATCH CEREMONY
It’s the boys' turn to pick this time and Devin is wearing pukka shells again because apparently he loves being celibate. Britni is really nervous because “these guys aren’t the smartest.” Oh, hello Pot. Meet Kettle.
Alec, whose new haircut makes him look like a panini, goes first. He picks Amanda and he’s like “I think we could be great together” and Amanda’s like mmmm no.
Tyler picks Melanie, point 1 for normalcy.
Bae/Zak picks Cheyenne, even though Britni gives him weird creepy eyes. Nelson is upset that Zak picked Cheyenne and also that they aren’t casting him in White Chicks 2. Whatever Nelson, get the fuck over it.
Chuck picks Kiki, and Kiki is like, yeah he’s great but…. WE GET IT, KIKI YOU STILL LIKE DEVIN. WE GET IT.
Devin talks straight out of his asshole and is like “I think everyone is playing with their hearts” and proceeds to pick Hannah, who I’ve literally never seen him speak to.
Rashida starts crying, beating out Alec as the biggest pussy of the house. She “doesn’t feel good” and goes home to cry in her covers because Devin didn’t pick her. This is some teenage girl shit happening right now. I can just picture Rashida laying in bed saying “Are you there God? It’s me Rashida.”
Magic Mike picks Kayla, even though Kayla still likes Connor.
Connor picks Chelsey and then drama ensues. Chelsey is yelling at Kayla, Kayla is yelling at Connor, etc. Okay we know Kayla is cray, but where the fuck does Chelsey think she is going to get a psych degree from? Heald College? University of Phoenix? Seriously, you’re just as cray.
Nelson picks Britni, which makes no sense whatsoever.
Hunter is like, ugh fine, I guess I’ll pick Rashida. Rashida is too busy throwing her own pity party to be there though.
Austin picks Stacey. Is Austin the invisible man? Where art thou Austin?
Every time a beam goes, Ryan Devlin gives a dramatic hand gesture. The matchups go wild because they haven’t gotten a blackout, meaning they aren’t COMPLETE fuck-ups.
They end up getting 2 MATCHES on the 4th match up. WHY IS THIS SHIT SO HARD FOR YOU?
Hunter: My great grandpop Billy-Bob told me love is a process, and I have to believe it will work.