Since everyone bitches and whines about how long my recaps are, I separated them into two parts. Pick up a book, you lazy pieces of shit and read part 1 here >>
Chuck is like, we’re not going to win so next match ceremony I’m picking Britni and everyone is like WTF R U 4 REAL? Chuck and Alec start yelling at each other and having a food fight, which pisses off Alec more because he’s a firm believer that you should never waste food.
Alec: WE SHOULD NEVER QUIT
Chuck: Eat a dick dude
Chuck goes up to push Alec, which is a huge mistake surfer brah, and Alec shoves Chuck to the ground like he’s made of paper. Alec, congrats, your ovaries have officially transformed into a small chode of a penis. Gotta start somewhere.
Britni is like “You would shove Chuck,” who btw looks like a Ken doll version of the lead singer of AFI, “for money?!” That’s some shit ONLY poor people would say. Britni, people have done way worse shit for way less money. Read a book, tune into the news, watch Empire (or read my recaps).
Rashida and Devin are like we can’t give up now! And I agree. I did not sit through 10 weeks of this retarded shit to watch y’all give up.
Devin is like “If I can get this fresh batch of mentally incapable humans to win this stupid fucking reality show, it would be equivalent to the greatest feat in sports history.” Which sport? Speed walking? Turn on ESPN Devin, I fucking dare you.
Zak and Hannah are mourning the fact that they aren’t a match, and tbh, I am too.
Cheyenne is talking to Devin about how he is disrespectful and is like “I’m going to change! I don’t wanna be that person anymore”
Devin: (actual quote) I’m a shit head, but not a total shit head. - I honestly don’t even need to try and be funny for these recaps, they all say enough stupid shit where I don’t even have to try.
Chuck is like, I was hammered last night and said dumb shit and I’m going to actually play this thing. Thank god Chuck, otherwise I seriously would have cunt punted you, and your little dog too! (Britni)
The game is the easiest one of the season: it’s an obstacle course with girls sitting on their back. There is a true/false section, where if the team guesses it right, then they get 30 seconds off their time.
Zak and Kayla are in first, which is crazy because Zak might be the smallest out of all of them. Alec is terrible with this shit and is back to being a giant bitch.
Melanie and Tyler go to the true or false thing, where Mel admits she offered Chuck a threesome, which is a new low.
Kayla and Zak win, being the Italian stallions. Rashida and Devin get second and Mel/Tyler get third because they answered the question right- aka, Mel is a closeted freak.
Stacey is talking to Nelson about how she has no idea who her match is and she’s talking so fast I could have sworn it was a Gilmore Girls episode. You can def tell Stacey is fucking hammered in this, but it’s cool. I love Stacey. And apparently so does Nelson…. Okay whatever.
Meanwhile, Alec is flirting with Amanda and Kiki is like WTF. Which is literally her reaction to everything- WTF.
They’re hanging out on fucking boat that doesn’t even have a bar. That sounds like some Life of Pi shit.
Devin and Rashida are flirting and she’s like I AM A STRONG INPENDANT WOMAN WHO DON’T NEED NO MAN except this shitty white guy with a butt chin.
Zak and Kayla are like “you remind me of my family” so they must be a match- some fucking Freudian shit right there. Chelsey the aspiring psychologist is probably fucking creaming her pants somewhere in the distance.
Tyler and Melanie are like, “we’re besties” and Tyler thinks that’s code for “match” but Mel was like, no seriously I think I just friendzoned you.
The group makes a smart decision for once ,(they probably all broke out in hives afterwards because we all know they are allergic to brainpower), and send Zak and Kayla to the truth booth. Hannah is like “I’m not jealous person but I might get a little bit….Jealous.” Hannah save the stupid lines for Hunter please, babe.
Zak and Kayla make their way to the truth booth, looking like a set of fraternal twins walking into their grandma’s 90th birthday. Not gonna lie, I’m stressed right now. I’m on bottle number 2 of wine, and shit is REAL rn.
Results are in and- THEY’RE A PERFECT MATCH! YAAAAAAASSSS.
Everyone is screaming and jumping while Hannah is like, well shitttt. It’s okay Hanz, it’s not like these matches are real. Those rules aren’t even real! They were real that day I wore a vest!
Alec and Kiki are flirting and they are drunk AF and Kiki is like YOU’RE MY MATCH.
She’s talking about how she got stupid fucking matching bracelets for her perfect match and I’m like you look really old to be a fucking fifth grader. Where did you get that shit, Claire's?
Devin is doing his shit math again using red solo cups, I feel like an algebra class is being taught in a frat house. Aka this shit is dumb AF.
They determine there are two scenarios- one where Kiki mtches with Alec, and one where she doesn’t. Guess which one “best friends forever bracelet” Kiki wants?
The decide to use deductive reasoning and rationality.
Jk, they decide to flip a fucking coin. I CAN’T RIGHT NOW WITH YOU PEOPLE. Hunter is like “Here is a quarter” and ew, I don’t trust anyone who has change offhand like that. Get a fucking debit card, you hillbilly fuck.
Kiki is upset because they get scenario one, but you know if the coin flipped for the scenario she wanted she’d be like PERFECT! ITS ALL SETTLED, THIS COIN IS HOLY.
Tyler is like, okay based on the scenario the mighty coin told, I should be with Cheyenne, but my heart says Mel. Fuck your heart Tyler, fuck it. Austin is like WOAH you need to figure this shit out. Like I don’t mean to sound aggressive, but if you fuck us all over we’re probs gonna stab you.
Never did I ever think that the game would rest in Tyler’s hands. Take a drink to that.
Devin is like, there is a high possibility we lose- not high, almost definite. But he thinks they chose scenario one for a reason, that reason being a coin flip.
Ryan gives some speech about love and how they need it and it’s like, save it Ryan. Empire comes on in 20 minutes and I need to get this show on the road.
Austin is first and he picks Britni- basing it off the fact that he wanted a girlfriend who would be a ghost for most of their relationship and they would get together eventually when it was convenient. You know what that’s called? A fuckbuddy. You came on a reality show to find a fuckbuddy. May I suggest Tinder next time?
Hunter is next, and Ryan is like, do you all have a strategy? And he’s like “clearly fate isn’t on our side, so we decided to do a coin flip”. So, fate’s not on your side, and you decided to rely on it again? Seems legit.
Ryan is like, wait are serious rn? And Connor and Chelsey are like WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
Hunter picks Hannah, which is a weird match but whatever I don’t care anymore. I’m gonna be honest, this whole season I thought Hunter was secretly gay.
Devin is up next and he picks Rashida. Rashida, girl, I have been praying for you. Clearly I am a sinner because my prayers have not been well received. My b.
Tyler is up next and we’re all on edge. He’s like “I think Melanie is my match truly” and this is the biggest plotline he has had all season, so he’s rollin with it. Tyler ends up picking Cheyenne, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.
Alec picks Amanda, and Kiki is like WTF (again). What is she gonna do with her bracelet?!!!!
Nelson picks Stacey and RyDev is like, do you two even know each other? And she’s like, we had a great talk 6 hours ago. Okay, that’ll work. Can’t wait for an invite to the wedding.
Chuck is up next and gives an inspiring speech. Well, it would be inspiring if he wasn’t talking to a band of idiots who put their fate in a coin toss and if he didn’t look like a homeless folk singer.
Chuck picks Melanie. She’s like, well this sucks because we’ll never date because he’s still fucking Brittni. Maybe you can get that threesome you wanted, skank.
Kiki is last, and ends up alone, well, because her match is Mike. #tbt to Mike. LOL. She shows those bracelets to Ryan and Ryan tries so hard not to fucking vomit on her. Kiki is like “I am not confident at all Mike is my match” and honestly, ditto.
The beams and RyDev’s dramatic hand motions begin. They get 4 beams, which they have never gotten before, so #progress…..They get a 5th, then a 6th, then a 7th. Everyone is on edge as fuck, and I am stunned into complete silence at home. Even my boyfriend, who has migrated out of the room is whispering “no fucking way” to himself. Idk if he is saying that because he’s surprised I’m silent for once, or surprised that they just might actually win.
They get 8 OMG, They literally need one more to win the fucking game. I’m shaking.
THEY GOT TEN BEAMS! THEY WIN THE FUCKING GAME.
MIRACLES HAPPEN (queue song from “The Princess Diaries”)
MTV IS THE LAND OF DREAMS
IM SCREAMING, I FEEL THINGS
Okay, I’m back. Wow I’m hammered. So it’s made clear- either MTV is a magical place where miracles prevail, or this shit is staged AF. I mean, we all saw “The Hills”.
Wow, that’s it for this season and this truly unique group of escaped mental patents. Thanks for reading, even though, let’s be honest- I made your shitty Thursdays infinitely better. And to the cast who read and tweeted me, thanks for having a thick skin. Low key surprised I haven’t received a death threat from Britni by now. Good luck existing in the real world, you all are sure gonna need it. And if you’re ever in California, come buy me a beer, because god knows I deserve one for putting up with your shit.