Jambo! Welcome back to another season of this fresh pile of steaming dog shit we call Are You The One? Hope you all have some alcohol available, because holy shit you’re gonna need it. I had a bottle of rosé on deck, because obviously, but also a handle of vodka close, in case of emergency.
IT HAS BEGUN.
Oh yay, promos! Ah, they show everyone acting like a psycho. This brings me so much joy. This season they are in Maui, instead of Kona. Which is good because anyone who has ever been to Hawaii knows that Kona is where all the retired people go to like swim with manatees and shit. AKA, it’s fucking wack.
Ryan Devlin, the host and only logical person to ever grace this show, talks to the contestants and is like “people must think you’re so hot and you have no problem dating.” Laying it on a little thick there, Ryan. All of these contestants are Utah 9’s, which everyone know is a California 7. Let’s not get carried away.
To start us off, I thought I would share some actual quotes from contestants. Let these quotes act as a guide as you decide how much wine to pour in your glass.
“I told a girl she was 6 and I was a 9, so she slapped me.” What a bitch, amiright??????!!!
“Of the 20-30 guys I’ve dated….” Idk the rest of the quote my brain is just repeating SHE’S A HOE, SHE’S A HOE, SHE’S A HOE as loud as possible rn
Ryan’s all: “do you believe in love at first sight?” and then asks the contestants who they think is their match is, within like seconds. Like holy shit Ryan, can I fucking live?
Three couples pick each other at first sight and one of them will be the first to go to the true booth. This is like a poor man’s Married at First Sight.
If they get this first sight couple right, which obviously they fucking won’t because they don’t know each other, the prize goes up by 250,000.
Ahhhhh, ye old reality show twist.
We meet up with our castmates at their new plush mansion and they all decide it’s time to turn the fuck up. Since there is a lot happening rn, here’s my notes on people throughout this little shindig:
Prosper. Oh Prosper. First of all, who the fuck names your kid Prosper? What’s your sister’s name? Persevere? Prosper is one of the men to be picked for the instant Truth Booth and I can say with 100% certainty that it’s not a match.
He’s basically like I LOVE ALL WOMEN. LOOK AT THAT CURLY HAIRED ONE. AND THE SPANISH ONE. AND THAT ONE, WITH THE EYES. These people have names, Prosper, and just because they aren’t as ridiculous as yours doesn’t mean you can’t learn them.
He literally tells his match he liked that she was white and blonde, which is like very weird to say to someone. He also sounds like everything my parents would hate if I brought home. “Hi Mom, this is my boyfriend, Prosper. His idea of a compliment is “I like the color of your skin” and “damn u hella fine doe.” Surefire way to kiss my inheritance goodbye.
Tori is Prosper’s match-up. “I’m really sweet and you can bring me home to your mom," she says as she instigates strip ping-pong and pounds shots. If your mom is a stripper or deaf/mute/blind, then yes, she’ll probably be a hit at family functions.
Helllloooooooooo Stephen. He’s the hot tattooed guy, who is also on the instant truth booth, and is like “I’m going to meet EVERYONE except the girl I’m going on a date with.” Bold strategy Cotton, let’s see how that works out for him.
He also says “I’m by far the smartest guy here” which is like saying “yeah I have the biggest dick here”—if you have to say it, it’s probably not true.
Asaf, the Israeli, is like “my accent brings the element of mystery! Am I a citizen? Am I on vacation? WHO KNOWS!” The fuck bitch? I’m not Scooby Doo, I’m not trying to solve a goddam mystery. Get over yourself. He’s trying to already kiss girls who are like “uh I don’t know you” and butchering commonplace lines like “I wear my heart on my sleeve.”
He’s also wearing circular glasses. Are you a girl at Coachella or John Lennon? No. Take those fucking glasses off your head. Oh no, he’s feeding girls food like an airplane—time to break out the vodka.
Girl with annoying voice: I’m originally from New Orleans
Guy in Old Navy tank top: NO FUCKING WAY *has Tourrettes attack* I’M FROM A TOWN IN LOUISIANA NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD FROMmMmMm!!!!!
These two have names, I’m sure, but I don’t care enough to find out rn. They bond over the Piggly-Wiggly and probs Donald Trump.
Camille, the obvious new HBIC, is like alright, time to run this house. She’s trying to get the couples with the truth booth to talk so she can figure out who to pick, because duh, she’s trying to win some fucking money. It’s been like 2 hours and she’s telling these idiots what to do—I’m beginning to feel a strange kinship with Camille.
Julia—who I can now positively identify as the annoying voice girl—is talking about how she def is not into Asaf, which is like, totally fair. She’s like “if I have to get in the honeymoon suite with him, I’m going to kill myself.” Dramatic, but mmmk.
Asaf, who I think wandered off the set of Don’t Mess with the Zohan and ended up on this fucking show, says “Shut up fatass!” to Julia. Holy shit, who’s the Piggly Wiggly now, bitch?
Julia is like I’m going to slap you rn and Asaf is like “I want to be nice! I wear my heart on my sleeve!!!!” Asaf then blames on it on the language barrier—LOLZZZZ. The girls are like “here in America we don’t say that,” which I feel like is going to be the fucking motto of this whole damn season.
Sam, the dude who looks like the woman of your dreams, calls himself “cheesy, but like romantic cheesy.” So yes, they are including a gay dude on the show this season it seems. #LoveWins
Cam, the resident hick. There’s always one. 10 dollars says that by episode 3 he gets uncomfortably racist.
Cameron, with the bad comb-over, has been cheated on a couple of times and has a broken heart. He’s tall and vulnerable—he’s about to get so much pussy.
Morgan: the “adrenaline junkie” whose hardcore resume includes rock climbing.
Kaylen is the dominant girl straight outta Compton—she’s about to fuck shit up this season. I can tell.
Giovanni gives a spoken word poem about being homeless and then brags about banging girls on the first date in his car or hut or whatever. God, this dude never shuts the fuck up. He feels “like he’s fire” and then compares other humans to elements—what is this, Avatar? Kaylen is like instantly into him and they start talking a lot about how “Gio’s a Scorpio.” Look Gio, unless you and your dog Bruiser are both Gemini vegetarians, I don’t give a fuck.
Emma and John, the Louisiana boy (see Piggly Wiggly talk) who REALLLLLLY hates being from Nebraska now, are drunkenly babbling about how they don’t want to be bricks and cookies and other inanimate objects. Emma is so obviously just agreeing to everything John says it’s almost comical.
John: I don’t want kids or a wife!
Emma: omg I totally get it
John: I don’t want any sort of stability ever!
Emma: omg I was just thinking that
Emma’s as plain as a bagel whose whole mantra this season is “John, if you’re a bird, I’m a bird.” John’s like “ugh I’m between Emma and Julia” and it’s like YOU JUST MET THEM BRO, GO BACK TO NEBRASKA.
Nicole is the random hippy on an MTV reality show. She seems nice. She also seems like someone I would never talk to ever in real life.
She’s talking to Tyler—one of the other instant truth booth people—and they call each other “adorbs” and start making out. Hold onto this while you can, Nicole—you will inevitability fade into irrelevance.
John starts getting redneck crazy and starts talking about how Julia likes to do dishes and “she’s wifey material.”
This season should just be named “Season 4: The Guys Won’t Shut The Fuck Up.” I mean seriously, where did you find these dudes? So far we have the hobo Scorpio, a dude named Prosper who likes white/blonde girls, and the President of the He-Man-Nebraska-Haters Club. This is worse than picking between Trump and Hillary.
The date is whale watching. Or as Asaf would say, Julia watching.
Stephen is trying to impress Kaylen and is like “I can be a man for you” as he tries his hardest to row a boat with just her in it. This is some Life of Pi shit, and Kaylen is def the tiger.
People at the house are voting and are like “Tori and Prosper are the same person!” Well that’s a bold statement to make considering YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE.
Holy shit Tyler and one of the irrelevant girls are talking about horoscopes again. Maybe the reason no one wants to fucking date you guys is because you act like you’re a goddam fortune teller or some shit. Don’t blame the fact that you all are fucking insane on “being a Virgo.”
Prosper and Tori start singing together because apparently they are both musicians—ahhhh, so the real reason you’re on this show emerges.
Tyler, the dude with the nose ring who hung out with Nicegirl Nicole (as you can see, the first episode is where the nicknames begin) is like “yeah I really vibed with Nicole” to which another girl (who looks like Ice Cube’s daughter from 22 Jump Street) goes “Really? Because you asked me to go to the boom boom room last night.” OH IT’S LIT.
Channing Tatum: You tried to fuck the captain’s daughter! You tried to fuck the captain’s daughter!
Tyler tries to talk his way out of it—first blaming it on the alcohol then just saying that “he just wanted to sleep.” Well Tyler, you just made it on my shit list for the season. Give Devin from Season 3 a call, he can talk you through it.
Asaf: (actual quote) “I’m living in a house full of snake tanks.” Ah yes, those conniving snake tanks. Can never be trusted.
Who goes to the truth booth? Soon-to-be irrelevant YouTube singing duo Tori and Prosper.
You can tell that Prosper is secretly hoping it’s no match, because then he can meet up with the Spanish girl, and the short girl and the uh, other girl whose name he can’t remember.
And it’s NO MATCH. Because fucking duh.
WELL NOW THAT THAT’S OUT OF THE WAY
Bagel (Emma) is hanging all over John, who is sooooo fucking annoying and I’m already over him, and he’s like “uh Emma is okay, BUT JULIA IS SO HOT.”
Emma: I’m always the girl they need, but never the girl they want.
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Well, I need water. But I want wine. Guess which one I prefer? God damn, I feel like I’m educating 5th graders rn. Did the fucking stars align and make all of you fucking idiots?
John goes to Julia and is like “look, we’re from a 150 mile radius of each other and you’re hot. So we’re the perfect match.” Stop dicking around at the fucking Piggly Wiggly and go to school to take a logic class, dipshit. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU LIVE IN NEBRASKA NOW.
Julie’s like “okay but do you only like me because I’m from New Orleans?” and he’s like “I’m following my heart.” *I begin to drink straight from the bottle*
Bagel is talking to Prosper and overhears John talking about how much he loves Julia. Prosper, who I begin to like more as I continue to drink heavily, is like YO let’s go confront him. Fuck it, let’s do it live.
John is trying to explain himself to Bagel and NO SHIT actually fucking calls her Julia. BRO, you had one job. Bagel’s like “you’re fronting with Julia” and it’s like oh Emma. Stupid, frizzy-haired, innocent little Emma. HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU. I have Amazon Prime, I’m shipping a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You to you rn girl, sit tight.
The blackout rule still exists—shout out to season 3. They know alllllllll about that rule. But for those who don’t: if they get no matches, they lose $250,000 off their grand prize.
Crazy motherfucker named Kaylen (name that song or gtfo) picks Gio, the Scorpio who’s too busy counting the fucking stars to get a goddam job.
Victoria, the girl with 20-30 boyfriends, picks Donald Trump’s poster child, Cam.
Francesca (the Captain’s daughter) picks token sexually suggestive foreign bro, Asaf.
Ryan’s like “how are you?” and Asaf is like “we don’t have to explain with words.” Yeah, please don’t use words Asaf. Please dear god.
Bagel’s up next. I hope she goes in on John. Hell hath no fury like a plain-looking girl scorned. Also John’s hair is the fuglist thing I ever seen. So Nebraska of him.
Bagel has this internal debate about not wanting to look stupid by picking John, but then because MTV picks people whose IQ’s are the same as their fucking pant size, she picks John. And he is like “I told you straight up I didn’t want you, I want Julia.”
Everyone, including Julia is like, WTF WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM? And Bagel is like “I feel in my heart that he’s my match.” Ah, this is shaping up to be another season full of dumb bitches. *sips wine* excellent.
Congrats Bagel, you look stupid. Moving on.
Camille picks Prosper. Could see that working, big fan.
Alyssa picks Sam, the world’s manliest lesbian.
Mikala picks Cameron, the tall dude.
Julia picks Morgan, who climbs rocks. Morgan offers his jacket to her because she looks cold and I’m like awwwwww. But then he says “I need a girl who looks just as good as me on Instagram” and I’m like aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back to being a douche. Oh, go climb a fucking rock Morgan.
Nicole goes up and totes guilt trips Tyler for being sleazy AF and picks hot tattooed guy, Stephen.
Tori and Tyler are left. Tyler goes to explain himself and literally says “I didn’t tell her 'let’s go gorilla fuck in the ass in the boom boom room.'” YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I could go a lifetime without hearing that. Who are you, Tyler, and why are you literally every woman’s nightmare?
Nicole is like “You can’t sit with me, ever!” and proceeds to give the biggest eyeroll in reality show history. Nicole, I might talk to you IRL. For like, a few minutes, where like, no one could see us conversing. #reptoprotect
Overall, they get 3 MATCHES. Which, okay, is like pretty good. I mean, whatever.
To conclude, this season looks like another doozy—full of horny stupid people that don’t mind the fact that they are probably not going to get employed anywhere after this. I mean seriously, I’ve seen more intellect on Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?
For those castmates reading, and John, who is most likely having someone else read this to him because words with three syllables overwhelm him, welcome to your new hell/favorite thing about this show. See you next week, fuckers.