The group is all sitting around singing kumbaya, led by your favorite camp counselor/lesbian, Sam “Gay Bar”, and his Southern roid-ragin' partner, John.
Gay Bar: So anyways, here’s “Wonderwall”
Nicegirl Nicole is like “we need to split up all these couples who think they are gonna get fucking married but like, also we need to make it so I can fuck Cameron”. Preach. Thank god he’s single, cause half of these girls are going to climb him like a tree.
Too bad butt-implant Mikala only likes Cameron. And has an iron grip on him. Good luck Nicole.
Mikala to everyone in the house except Cameron: Girls with asses like mine do not talk to guys with faces like yours.
Tori is like “let’s play truth or dare” and only asks Julia to play. Yeah, because this wasn’t staged by the producers or anything.
Anyways, Tori asks Julia if she would pursue a relationship after the show with John who, by the way, looks like he may shit his pants at any given moment. Also John, what happened to your nose? Did you trip and fall at the Piggly Wiggly? He’s got a whole Tyrion Lannister scar/Owen Wilson thing happening rn.
Julia says “yeah, I guess I would.” And girl you are LYING THROUGH YOUR OVERSIZED TEETH. She won’t tell John to fuck off and at this point it’s making me dislike her more than John. As my mother commented, “she seems to be toying with his emotions.” Yeah, that’s right. My mom and I talk shit about all of you.
Stephen is like, look Julia doesn’t want a dude who acts like a fucking bitch—so I’m gonna dress up like a girl and be the man of her dreams. But I guess that’s better than saying you love someone on the first day…cough, cough Gio, cough.
Asaf is like “WAIT FOR ME! I WANT TO BE A LADY FRIEND YES.” From now on please read every statement I write for Asaf in a Borat voice, with a slight hint of Fez from “That 70’s Show”. Thank you.
Then Julia is like “let’s dress like men!!!! Omg how funny are we!!!” and they dress up with mustaches and everything. Why did they bring all these costumes? Like was that on MTV’s list of things to bring? Condoms, toothbrush and hot pink wigs?
Cameron is drunkenly rambling to Mikala about his undying love for her and she’s like “when he looks at me, and slurs his words, I feel butterflies.”
Cameron: I want to explore you
Mikala: How drunk are you
This game is testing how well the men listen/know the girls in the house, which is going to be inevitably disappointing. Ryan calls it “let’s put these dogs on a leash” game. LOL, okay.
So here’s the game in terms even Asaf would understand: The men have a harness and there are questions with three answers that have ropes. The right answer has a rope that’s long enough to lead to the next question, therefore the wrong answer means the dudes get pulled back and have to try again. Oh, and the questions are only about their chosen partners. Got it? In Asaf voice, “ah yes, very good.”
Cam, who has remained effectively unknown so far, picks Julia. No one knows why, but Stephen is so butthurt.
Cam: She’s super fun, like she could totally walk into a bar and be super obnoxious and yell “this is my jam!” with her girls
Prosper picks Bagel and wonders the age old question: do you think she’s ever fucked a black dude? I’m going to judge a book by its cover her and say no, but I feel like Emma would def be down.
Prosper: Once you go black, you go in a wheelchair
Asaf is doing Camille’s questions and is like “Camille would want to switch lives with Beyoncé, because like, it’s Camille.” Low-key racist but okay.
Asaf is also talking to himself like “You can do it Asaf! Must get to Pam-a-la Anderson, I mean….Camille.”
Camille is obsessed with Asaf because “he wants to win”, which is like, not a reason to be obsessed with someone. He hasn’t even won yet. And until he wins, he’s a loser. Even if he does win, it’s an MTV show and he will therefore still remain a loser.
Every time the dudes get yanked back Ryan Devlin is like “HA you’re a fucking douche bag, bro.” Ryan always comes to slay.
Gio wins because he and Kaylen damn near wear a vile of each other’s blood around their necks. I mean seriously.
Cam and Julia get second, yeehaw.
And Cameron, who is hurting my soul with that disgrace of a man bun, gets third with Mikala.
After all this, Bagel is like “Cameron and Mikala need to go in because Cameron is hot AF and Mikala has butt plugs, so yeah." Makes sense though, if they are a match, send Cameron out so you don’t have to stare at his gorgeous face anymore and slowly torture yourself.
Asaf is like, these girls only want to talk, we no kissy kissy make love baby time. He also complains that he can’t talk to the girls, and it’s like, well, Asaf you can’t really talk in general, so let’s not place blame on others here.
He does the robot and repeats “match” and “feelings” and though I hate myself for saying this, it’s kinda funny. I’m like, really tipsy rn, okay?!
The guys are like Asaf, go kiss a random girl (because that’s not creepy) and he’s like I GO I GO I GO! Thankfully, Tori is just the right hoe for the job and all too willingly makes out with Asaf.
Tori: I totally just got manipulated!!!!!
Also Tori: I’m like so horny rn
And suddenly her and Asaf are a thing? Well that escalated quickly.
John and Julia are hanging out and Stephen swoops in. John, who mind you, is still trying to woo Julia, is like “I’m gonna go brush my teeth and shit.” Who said romance was dead? Spoken like a true Nebraska boy.
Their conversation goes like this:
Stephen: Do you seriously like that dude?
Julia: mmm hard no
Stephen: You should ignore him
Julia: mmm hard no
Stephen confronts John saying that “that bitch Julia is my match” and WOW YOU ALL HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS ON THIS SHOW. Stephen, your bae status is weakening so fast.
John is like I DARE YOU TO TRY and Stephen is like….wait what? I like just told you I’m going to try. Did you miss this whole conversation?
In the distance, you can hear the other cast members playing the Frozen soundtrack and quietly whispering to John “let it go, let it go…”
Victoria is like DUDE WE COULD BE A MATCH BUT YOUR HEAD IS SO FAR UP JULIA’S ASS IT NEEDS TO BE SURGERICALLY REMOVED!!! So yeah, we can assume Victoria is into John. Interesting.
Victoria: Why do guys always go for hoes?
Julia: Who me?
Sam tells Alyssa that she reminds him of his sister, but like, in a good way. Okay, Jamie Lannister. Incest, so hot right now.
Alyssa is like, I really wanna fuck Sam, but maybe I should like, just emotionally fuck him. Sure, okay. Lemme know how that third grade relationship y’all have works out. This whole plot shouldn’t be on MTV, it should be aired on Teen Nick.
Sam: I’m a huge prude and from a different generation.
Me: Huh, that’s a funny way of saying VIRGIN
They go on scooters that look like they are re-purposed SoulCycle bikes. Gio’s like wow man, technology man. This shit is crazy. Poor people are so cute.
Cam is like “I’m adventurous. I hunt, I fish. I kill things.” Pretty sure like half the population does that, Cam. Sitting on a boat for several hours with one hand on a pole with a rope and the other hand scratching your balls doesn’t make you Bear Grylls.
Cameron is like “you’re totally my match” and Mikala is like maybe not and pours her fucking heart out about family problems. Like shit gets heavy real quick, and upon consulting with my mother, we have both confirmed that we really like Cameron/Mikala. Consider this the most important blessing you will ever receive.
Cameron: She has a great ass job—I mean—personality.
Everyone is kinda torn between picking Cameron and Mikala and Gio/Kaylen, who are still talking marriage and babies. Could you imagine these two putting a child into the world currently? Holy shit. That’s as terrifying as John’s horrendous haircut.
Ryan asks the couples how they’re feeling and Cameron and Mikala are like BEST DATE EVER. They really are the only two normal people in this house.
Gio doesn’t want to go to the truth booth yet in case it proves him and Kaylen aren’t a match. Also, the longer he’s here the more likely his chances of having a threesome go up.
Cameron and Mikala get picked to go to the truth booth and all the girls are praying to sweet baby Jesus that it’s not a match. *Drinks wine* hoes.
No one thinks Cameron and Mikala are a match, but oh ye of little faith. And the group is like “if they aren’t a match, we gotta split them up." I mean there is plenty of Mikala’s fake ass to go around.
And the results come in and they’re a… PERFECT MATCH!
That’s a huge bummer, he was the hottest one of the season. RIP Cameron, you will be missed. No what am I going to do? Stare at John all day? Fuck, man.
Victoria is oddly more emotional than Cam/Mikala and is like sobbing about love. She should date Sam. They can have crying dates together and talk about each other’s feelings.
They celebrate with an “Anything But Clothes Party”—aka the sluttiest theme of all time. How much do you wanna bet Tori suggested it?
Prosper is literally wearing a lightbulb over his dick and Asaf is like “ah yes, lemme a break-a da glass! Mazel Tov!” He breaks the glass around Prosper’s dick and thankfully doesn’t chop it off in the process. That would have been too much for me to handle rn, as I currently pour wine glass #3.
Stephen just has snacks wrapped around his junk and it’s like really Stephen? There are like kids in Africa right now who don’t have Pringles to wrap around their balls. You selfish bastard.
John is pounding alcohol and an impressive and alarming rate. Like it’s amazing to me that all the contestants don’t gain like 20 pounds being on this show from all the alcohol they consume. #MTV15
Camille is like JULIA IS FUCKING LYING TO YOU and John is like NO SHE LOVES ME AND WE’RE GONNA GET MARRIED and Julia’s like new phone, who dis?
Everyone is like Julia you need to talk to him and she’s like, but ugh I really wanted to avoid my problems! Can I live?
She finally decides to put John out of his misery and talk to him about it.
Julia: I can’t do this because you’re explosive
John: I’m noT EXPLOSIVE, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU DUMB BITCH???”
John’s like, I’m starting to see that this was all one-sided and it’s like WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD JOHN. It’s a magic place where we use our eyes and our brains. Jambo.
John: And when I close my eyes, I see you for what you really are, which us UGGGGLAAAY
Camille literally calls Asaf over and is like “let’s make out”, because subtlety is dead. You’s a hoe.
Asaf: I no come here to make friends, I come her to make sexy time with beautiful woman. Very success.
Asaf calls Tori a free spirit, which is the PC way of calling someone a tramp. But then again, Camille is literally sitting with her legs wide open… like who the fuck raised you people? And where were you raised? The street corner? I’m sure your parents are really proud.
Asaf, who just made out with Camille is now making out with Tori and flirting, as both Camille and Franny try not to vomit and beat the shit out of Tori. Looks like he called Becky with the Greasy Hair, sorry y’all.
Mikala and Cameron are going to the honeymoon suite and they’re like DUECES DIPSHITS.
Franny picks Morgan, after being sibling-zoned by Asaf. Morgan didn’t speak very much in the episode and I feel #blessed because of it.
Camille is up next and Gio is like catcalling her…. Um Kaylen will literally castrate you bro.
Camille picks Asaf saying she wants to have his babies. What’s up with this season and babies? I mean seriously, you all are like 22. Also can we discuss that Camille showed up to the Match Up Ceremony in basically just nipple pasties?
Camille and Tori are seriously fighting over the cockwad that is Asaf. Like, am I in a parallel universe where obnoxious, sexually aggressive foreign men are attractive? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
Tori is like “I love a challenge, meowwww.” Why does Tori talk like a cougar hitting on a 17-year-old caddy at the country club? Tori, you and Asaf should def be together. You both creep me the fuck out.
Nicegirl Nicole picks “adventurous” Cam. Yaaaaaaawn.
Tori picks Stephen and he’s like WTF because he def wanted Julia. Sucks to suck, man.
Victoria takes a break from her regularly scheduled sob-fest and picks John, who again, doesn’t give her the time of day. Poor Vic.
John takes this moment and goes on a total rant about Stephen calling Julia a bitch. Ahhhh, these things are coming back to haunt ya. And Stephen, this might seem bad, but losing bae status from me is a much worse punishment. Because people actually care what I think, unlike John.
Like take last season’s bae, Zak. I mean, I like practically invented him, ya know? (Actually he’s like, pretty cool. Hey Zak.)
Meanwhile, Victoria is like, so can we put our hands on the match-y thing or?
John and Stephen are yelling at each other about respect and Stephen makes up some bullshit excuse like “well, uh, but uh, you didn’t tell Julia when I first called her the bitch so uh, yeah.” OOOH YOU TELL ‘EM STEPHEN.
John’s like “next time you say something rude about a woman, I’m gonna beat your ass.” Damn, okay John. I see you. The tables, how they have turned. (Still, please get a haircut I beg of you.)
Text from my mom at this moment: “That was hot.” Girl, you don’t have to tell me.
Stephen is like “you’re a boy, messing with a man” Stephen you’re like 5’9”. Delete your account.
Bagel picks Prosper. She ready to be wheelchair bound.
Kaylen picks Gio, because duh. Gio is like, we’re stronger everyday *plays Britney Spears song “Stronger”*
Alyssa picks Sam, who has Alyssa’s flannel wrapped around his waist. Sam goddammit would it hurt you to do ONE THING that’s not so fem? Also, do you have a tampon I can borrow?
Ryan is like, “so we all still acting like we’re in 5th grade, or y’all gonna actually do something?” And straight out of a shitty Nicholas Sparks movie, Sam is like “well let’s see” and kisses her. This isn’t even like A Walk to Remember quality. Maybe more like The Best of Me.
Everyone cheers and it’s like, aw, I remember my first kiss. Ryan’s like, hmm that was boring but moving on.
Julia and Tyler are next, and Tyler has been last twice now—LOL. Bet you wish you didn’t talk about gorilla sex in episode one, huh?
Julia uses a metaphor of “people raining on her parade, but dancing in the puddles.” Julia is the type of bitch who posts “well behaved girls rarely make history” under her insta photos.
Julia, showing people her bedroom: And this is my “Live.Laugh.Love” poster, hehe
Everyone is so over Julia, and by everyone I mean my mother and I. Exact quote from my mom: “Julia has really disappointed me. Like, okay Mother Teresa, stop trying to be nice to everyone.” Preach, ma.
They already have one beam, but if they get no new matches, then it’s beats and their down $250,000.
They get one beam.
So it’s a total of 4. And that’s it. So not bad, but not anything to write home about.
I’ll be honest, this week went better than I expected. Do I still think they are all idiots who have absolutely peaked on this show? Oh fuck ya. But are they waaaaaaay better than the last seasons? Yes. I’ll give them that.
See you shitnuggets next week. Until then, Camille shut your damn legs.