Let’s begin by pouring out a drink for Cameron, the hot boy of the season who we wished was around more. Miss you, bae.
Anyways, welcome back. MTV took a week-long hiatus for the Fourth of July because obviously everyone in the nation was prioritizing getting drunk over wtaching this shitty reality TV show. Anyway, now that the hangover (yours, mine, Obama's) has lifted, here's the recap.
We start out with Gio throwing a pie on Tori. Typical. Kaylen is not happy about it.
KAYLEN: Everyone is throwing pies and cornholing except me!
Kaylen is like "I don’t like you flirting with women" and he’s like "dafaq, I threw a pie in her face?" But we all know pie is a gateway pastry to SEX.
It goes to Cameron and Mikala in the honeymoon suite. Just rub it in MTV. Fine. Be that way.
Gio is like “Kaylen is mad at me” and is like, "hmmm boomboom room time?" Hate sex is Gio’s favorite thing since homelessness.
Kaylen’s not feeling it and wants to talk and Gio is like "THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT."
Meanwhile, Tori lets Asaf eat off her ass. Bet ya didn’t expect that transition.
Asaf asks Tori 21 questions while also playing the 50 Cent song, and is like, “What if I’m broke?” Yes, you ignorant hicks, even Jewish people can be broke. JK you guys, my best friend is Jewish.
Tori: How broke? Like Martha Stewart broke or MC Hammer broke?
Asaf: MC Hammer broke!!!
Gio is talking to Julia, like having a semi normal conversation about Julia being white AF. Julia is like “some girl thought I lived here! She said I look like a local!!” Who said that? Helen Keller?
Kaylen is stewing in the corner dude. Like murdering both of them repeatedly in her mind. And Gio’s like “I think Julia is sexy.” LOL, Gio. Your days are numbered.
This game is all about the men’s personal hygiene or lack thereof and only the girls are playing.
Basically there are some nasty-ass facts on the wall that the boys said. If the girls think they know who said it, they have to dive through “toilet water” (AKA tap water from the Valley), and hang the fact around the stand of the guy they think said it.
The three girls with the most right answers in the least amount of time wins, but more importantly the first place winner gets to play matchmaker and pick everyone else’s date.
Tori’s like, "I will murder everyone in a 50-foot radius in order to get this date with Asaf."
Facts revealed during this game:
Cam doesn’t wash his hands. I’m not even surprised. Do they even have running water where he lives?
Asaf farts a lot. He’s broke as fuck and has a gas problem. Seems like a real gem.
Prosper eats his nails. That should be on My Strange Addiction. "Hi, my name is Prosper, and I’m addicted to eating my nails."
Stephen shits his pants. He looks like the type honestly.
John waxes his back. John hit me up, my waxer works miracles. I also have A HAIRDRESSER WHO WILL CUT YOUR HAIR.
Sam overuses the word penis. Weird? Sam’s the kind of dude who calls it “sexual intercourse”. Aka, a virgin.
Tori gets third, Julia gets second, and Bagel, by a surprise I might add, gets first. The fate of the dates are in Emma’s plain little hands.
Julia’s like, “Emma hates me because she’s jealous of me. It’s not my fault I’m so popular.” Oh, go shit in your hand, Julia. For the record I like Bagel more. DESTROY HER, BAGEL.
Bagel picks Stephen for her date because she doesn’t want to take John because he’ll be miserable. #true
So this is a) a pity date, b) a fuck you to Julia and c) a fuck you to John. Well fucking done, Bagel. You may have graduated to a donut. Just a glazed one though, don’t get too excited.
John: If she wants to get back on my good side, she is not doing a good job. HEY JOHN, YOU CAN GO SHAVE YOUR BACK NOW.
Emma’s like that girl in Not Another Teen Movie who pours her drink on Janie Briggs.
EMMA: *pours drink on Julia* "OOOOOPSSSSSSS! I’m just so clumsy!”
Emma sends Julia on a date with Morgan. Low blow dude. Morgan’s alright—when he never opens his mouth. Can’t wait to interview you, boo.
Asaf is sweating, hoping that Bagel picks Tori for his date because he thinks she kinda “missed the point of matchmaking”. Oh, like how you’ve missed the point on pretty much everything here? We’re not in Kazakhstan anymore, Borat.
And really, did Bagel miss the point? Or did she just conduct a beautiful revenge on all of you whores? Let that marinate.
Bagel is like, “Setting up Morgan with Julia was strategic.” Bagel, girlfriend, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I. FEEL. YOU.
After the challenge the guys try and do a dude’s night and Kaylen is helicoptering around calling Gio’s name incessantly.
She’s like, “Gio is trying to resist this but that ain’t gonna happen." She’s like 2 minutes away from being the girl who “wants to meet Peter at the park” on YouTube. Go watch it you morons.
He’s like, “I’m fucking married already. Life is a fucking prison! On the planet of horse shit!” She’s like, “Look, I just wanna talk before I blackout and fucking murder you in your sleep.” Honestly, that’s like, so mature.
He tells her he wants space, and Kaylen thinks it’s because he loves her and doesn’t want to find out that they aren’t a match. Uh, okay? Bitches are crazy, dude.
Tori tells Asaf to go enjoy everyone in the house because it’s their last night because they are like obvi a match. Asaf is like, “Ah, yes. Last night. Very enjoy. I'll go find lady to kiss kiss, yes.”
Also, John and Victoria are in the corner giving kissy faces. I see you two….
Sam and Alyssa are making out and it honestly looks like a low budget version of Girls Gone Wild. Sam’s like two seconds away from flashing his tits.
Franny is grinding on Asaf who is like, “Woohoo my last night in the house!” and Franny is like, “I want to fuck the shit out of Asaf.” Your parents must be so proud.
Asaf and Franny start making out and practically run to the boomboom room where they have a beautiful product placement of Trojan condoms.
Trojan: supporting dumbasses making bad decisions on national television everywhere
Asaf leaves the boomboom room all sad, acting like someone stole his last 30 dollars out of his bank account, and Tori’s like, "why are you so sad?" He tells her that he wants to talk tomorrow.
Let’s recap: Asaf is creepy, a cheater, poor, and farts a lot. WHY DOES ANYONE WANT HIM?
Tori is over the goddamn moon thinking that Asaf likes her.
Morgan and Julia are having the most awkward conversation about like, time and how they don’t want to waste it, even though they both are blatantly wasting my time right now.
Asaf tells Tori they need to talk and she’s like, "HE LOVES ME!!!!" When is that how this ever fucking goes?
Everyone is like "Tori and Asaf are so happy and they are going in the truth booth!!!" Even Franny votes for them, which is just like, whatever. Fran, you embarrass women everywhere.
Asaf is like, “I had sex with someone else," blames Franny and Tori gets so fucking pissed. She’s like crying, and holy shit this is a mess. I’m like, drunk as fuck over here in California Googling how to fly to Hawaii and give you a hug.
I mean sure, Tori, you’re kind of a whore. But you’re my whore. And, Asaf, you are a fucking dick, dude.
Julia goes to comfort Tori and more importantly, escape her date with Morgan. Julia is actually somewhat likable in this scene, wow. I’m sure the producers were whispering in her ear, “Pretend to be likable!”
She goes to Asaf and is like, “Would you want someone to make your sister feel this way?” He’s like, "I don’t deserve her" and Julia’s like, "YOU’RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE." And he’s like, "woah I’m like kind of getting some really negative vibes from you right now."
Tori walks in and immediately starts crying to her best girlfriend: Sam.
Kaylen and Nicegirl Nicole chase after her and she’s like, "YO FUCK FRANCESCA." And I ditto that shit. Girls don’t get with other girls' potential matches—that’s just like, against the rules of feminism.
Ryan checks in with Gio and Kaylen and is like, “Omg, when’s the wedding,” and they’re like, well….
Gio’s been noticing that Julia’s a freak and figures she’ll make a great girlfriend. I’m sure if you and Julia ever do date, she’ll be so touched by that sentiment.
JULIA: Aw babe, you think I’m a kinky freak and said it on national television??? I love you!
Gio’s says Kaylen doesn’t trust him and that it’s over and Kaylen is like "men suck."
I feel for Kaylen rn. Is this the episode where all the girls get treated like shit?
Tori’s like, “You’re a backstabbing bitch” and Franny’s like, "bitch I might be." I have concluded that I don’t like Franny. She is on the shit list. Everyone has been notified.
And the couple going to the truth booth is: Asaf and Tori.
Asaf is trying to apologize and Tori’s eyes are damn near rolling into the back of her skull. How do I say this so you understand, Asaf? SHE NO LIKE YOU, SHE HATES YOU, YES.
Tori is literally praying on everything holy she is not a match with Asaf and I’m pouring my wine glass low-key hoping she is because omg that would be great television, am I right?
They aren’t a match and Tori lets out an excited scream and Asaf lets out a fart.
And Tori’s like, “I feel so bad for your match because you fucking suck.” I felt bad for his match before he fucked Franny, to be fair.
Franny is like sobbing tears of joy and is now like, “Well, I guess I do feel kinda bad for being the other woman." You’re the worst. I liked you better when you were fucking Jonah Hill in 22 Jump Street.
Victoria and Cam are having a staged talk and she’s like, “I hate nature,” and Cam’s like, “Well, I’m one with nature so….” He hunts, fishes, and has about a 2.8 score on Naked and Afraid.
Victoria is like, "I want a spa and a massage," and Cam’s like, “Let’s throw some dirt in it.” Victoria’s like, “Omg! Take me to a rodeo! I saw that in the last Nicolas Sparks movie. Looks so country chic.”
This is the first girl who knows how to read and isn’t his cousin that has ever spoken to Cam.
CAM: I guess I would move out of my trailer in the country if I met a girl who put out a lot.
Stephen and Julia are flirting and comparing each other to a gas tank: “He refuels me.” If someone wanted to fucking torture me, they would play all the Julia and Stephen interactions on repeat. Seriously. Some nails on chalkboard shit.
Gio is like, "Look, Stephen. I think Julia is my match, like bro to bro." Stephen is like, “I’m getting whiplash rn” because one minute Gio likes Kaylen, the next he likes everyone with a vagina.
Gio is like, "Look, I have a deep understanding of MTV matchups." Well, shit. That’s a skill you can put right on your résumé. It’s no wonder you can’t get a job, Gio. You only understand the most useless shit ever.
Franny is like, “Ugh, I don’t want to look stupid but I really like Asaf, but I’m not gonna like, tell him or anything! God no!” No, you just force-fuck him in a closet pretty much.
Sam and Alyssa are making out and everyone is like “Aw, they are so happy!” If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.
SAM to ALYSSA: I have a big, lesbian crush on you.
Cameron has a hickey on his neck. *sighs* Ugh, I guess it’s real.
First up, Morgan picks Tori. He calls her the sexiest girl in the house. Kind of a stretch but, k.
Tori’s like, “I’m just ready to not have to ever see Asaf again.” Honestly, same.
Prosper calls up Nicegirl Nicole like, "Come here, white chocolate!"
Asaf is wearing overalls with a strap missing. He’s poor, remember? He’s like, “I don’t know shit right now. I’m sorry I’m foreign. Please don’t hurt me.”
And then he picks Camille and Ryan is like, “Hey, Franny, whatcha thinkin?” Franny is like, “Are we just a physical connection?” And he basically calls her a pity fuck. The truth hurts.
John picks Victoria. I told you I saw you two….
CAM: Well, looks like I’m in the backwoods forever. *sadly yee-haws*
Gio is like, "Kaylen doesn’t trust me but everyone still thinks we are a match." Which is why Gio still ends up picking Kaylen.
Gio’s like, “I need to close this door to open another door." To the boomboom room, amiright??
Kaylen gives a heartfelt speech about how she loves him and she doesn’t hate him, she’s just hurt. And how she’ll fight for the ones she loves.
KAYLEN: I wrote to you! Every day for a year!
Bagel is like, “Ugh, this happens to me all the time. The closer you get, the more they pull away.” Dude, Bagel, how fucking depressing is your love life? If this shit doesn’t work out, give me a call and I’ll wingman you, because I like, love charity work.
Also, what’s with these girls and wearing bras to the matchup? Buy a goddam shirt.
Stephen picks Julia, duh.
Tyler picks Franny. No one cares ever.
Sam picks Alyssa, double duh with a cherry on top.
Cam and Bagel are left. He’s never had a bagel before in his life because that would mean venturing to the city with all them city folk and their big words like "bagel".
They need one perfect match. If they don’t get any more then they lose 250,000. And can I just say, it’s not looking good for them.
They get the second beam. So no blackout, then a third, then a fourth. And that’s it. They get four beams, again.
That, Cam, is what you call a plateau. It’s when it doesn’t go up and doesn’t go down. Sound it out, it makes it easier.