Ariana Grande Performs at CMAs; Proves Once and for All That She's a Robot

By The Head Pro

Wednesday night featured the CMAs, one of the 50,000 country music awards shows that air throughout the year. At one point, Little Big Town absolutely slayed a performance of their song “Day Drinking” (and you thought country music didn’t “get” you…). At the end, America’s favorite container of high-fructose corn syrup concentrate Ariana Grande came out and sang … “Bang Bang,” which is an awesome song, but neither a Little Big Town song nor a country song. Check it:


She sounded fantastic, because Ariana Grande always sounds fantastic. It would be a little weird for a non-country artist to appear with a country band on a country awards show and sing a non-country song, but not Ariana Grande. What I’m trying to say is that all of these things make sense because Ariana Grande is actually a robot, and this performance proved it in case you still weren’t convinced. Consider the following:

  • Ariana Grande sang her own song and not a country one because she is a robot, and robots can only follow their programing. Asking Ariana Grande to sing a country song is like asking a Mac to run a .exe file.
  • You only ever see her wearing knee-high boots, or semi-opaque tights with closed-toe shoes. That’s because she has robot legs (along with robot everything else), and making convincing human-looking robot feet is hard.
  • Ariana Grande has a superlative singing range. Of course she does! Electronics are capable of producing any sound they want, sometimes outside the audible frequency for humans!
  • Ariana Grande doesn’t like comparisons to Mariah Carey. Why would she? Mariah Carey is a mortal human being, whereas Ariana is an infallible automaton. She therefore finds the comparisons baseless and unfair (to Mariah).
  • Ariana Grande said she wished all her fans would “fucking die.” That doesn’t mean she hates them, it just means that death is the sweet reprieve that a robot like Ariana can never know, and she’s jealous of them.
  • Ariana Grande has been criticized for poor enunciation when she sings. I mean, have you heard Siri talk? Compared to that, Ariana’s speech technology is actually really good!
  • Ariana Grande is often seen wearing cat ears. Two words: WiFi antennas.
  • Ariana Grande had the cops tell a fan to stop sending her shit. Duh. What can she do with a pumpkin when all the sustenance she needs is an AC adaptor and the occasional firmware update? What good are candles when machines cannot smell?
  • Ariana Grande is a lousy dancer. DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?

I don’t know how much more proof you could possibly need. Ariana Grande, besides being a treasured hot mess and someone whose youthful looks make me feel really weird about being attracted to her, is a robot. She was probably only at the CMAs because of malware, or something. Try not to hold that against her.




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