Arie’s season of The Bachelor hasn’t even started yet, but the Instagram shilling is already in full force. Now, because I know someone is going to ask in the comments, I don’t have an inherent problem with selling goods on Instagram—hell, I’d do it if I had the following and the butt size required. But you can’t tell me that anyone who’s already selling their soul on IG before the season even airs auditioned to be on The Bachelor for love. You just can’t. And personally, I like to live in a world where people genuinely debase themselves on national television for love, and not for money. IDK, I guess I’m just a romantic.
So anyway, here’s a list of who’s already here for the wrong reasons. And by “here”, I mean, “on Instagram.” But also the show. Because of aforementioned reasons. Yeah okay, I’ll just get to the point.
1. Maquel
Strangely named Maquel is one of the worst early offenders. She was selling spa packages weeks ago, like back when the contestants’ names had just been released. We haven’t even seen this woman on television yet, and she’s already giving us a discount on Botox. On the one hand, thanks. On the other hand, this plastic surgery clinic spa is only located in Utah, so that’s not really very useful to most of us.
2. Jenna
Cary Massage (I looked it up) only has like, less than two thousand Instagram followers, so teaming up with Jenna is honestly a pretty baller move on their part. I’m pretty curious what these contestants are getting out of teaming up with local businesses—surely it’s not as much as that FitTea money. But everyone’s gotta start somewhere, I guess. I’m predicting this season the SugarBearHairs of the world will be replaced by spa packages. Onward and upward?
3. Krystal
Okay, so I did you all the favor of skipping to the bottom reading Krystal’s very long Instagram post and found out that she’s selling something called “the world’s first YogiStick”. The account she tagged in the picture isn’t active, so I don’t know how successful Krystal will be at leveraging her 31.8K followers to buy shitty sunglasses. You have one job, Krystal! You take a picture and you tag the brand. Get it together, girl.
4. Marikh
I’m really not shocked that Marikh is also selling shit on Instagram, considering Marikh and Maquel are BFFs on Instagram. But what’s interesting, though, is that they’re selling the same thing: 20% off this random spa. I wonder if there’s a lot of competition between them. How will their friendship survive this heated business rivalry? Stay tuned.
5. Amber
Amber’s already selling watches (you can get 15% off a Daniel Wellington watch and cuff or strap combo with code ONCEINASTYLE), so it won’t be long before the MVMT people swoop in on her. She tags this app called liketoknow.it in basically all her posts. From what I can tell, it’s an app where you can shop the looks on people’s Instagram posts. But isn’t that what the tags are for? Someone please advise.
I eagerly await January 1st, when Arie’s contestants can begin putting up pictures of their FabFitFun boxes. I’m really excited to see what’s in this season’s box.
