April 10, 2013
Known as the Harvard of the Southwest to anyone who finds truth in being tan, skinny and popular. ASU was a pioneer in the 5 year plan. “Daddy, it’s just too much pressure to keep up with school, the demands of Psych 101 are so hard, and working 2 hours a week at the tanning salon are too much.” Truth; we were too busy blacking out pool side, we totally forgot we enrolled in classes. It’s easier to be turned down from a strip club turned night club in a slutty black dress on your birthday than it is to be turned away from ASU - you could show up to the admissions office that same blacked out night and the dean would welcome you with open arms. This college is for the betch who already knows that being tan, skinny and popular will get her farther than some fancy degree....just ask ASU dropout Jimmy Kimmel, the betch who can sit in a job interview and bullshit while saying, “yes, my college education opened my eyes to many wisdoms in life;” which were mainly how to blackout and always look hot in pics....oh, and that we were smart enough to maximize 4-5 years of parental sponsored partying.... “ASU....that must have been fun,” = understatement of the century.
Note: Hayden is the only lib acceptable if you’re going to “study” aka pull an Adderall fueled all nighter spending 5 minutes looking at color coded flashcards for every 2 hours spent stalking Facebook “omg who is that slut who liked his status, is he fucking her too?” If you’ve never been to Hayden just locate the “Nipple of Knowledge” that sits atop the library that has more addy than CVS pharmacy. Make sure you’re dressed library chic; as this is the scene for making it look like you give a fuck on any given Tuesday night. That guy you maybe fucked could be in the Hayden stacks. VS Pink sweats...something with your letters on it, make up done, hair done - bring make up to touch up. “Omg I spent all night at Hayden, I’m soooo tired...let’s rage this weekend, I’m so over studying.” Guaranteed after a Hayden sesh you can without pause give the historical run down of a girl your crush used to date that you’ve never met (hometown, birth place, where she went for Spring Break, mother’s name, type of dog she had, etc.), Ugh too bad these questions aren’t on the History 101 final....Thomas Paine...who?
WP Carey Business School
D-bags you’ll see walking around campus in a suit from time to time in an effort to make their Management 101 presentation more serious - a Management 101 class at ASU should be taken as seriously as a Tinder match. He usually has old money, inflated egos and can be found talking to freshmen girls at parties and within 5 minutes stating “I’m in WP Carey school of business,” 10 minutes later they’d be learning about more than just stocks rising. The girls in this school are mostly Asian nerds and virgins. The smart betch just gets a minor from the school because you don’t even have to apply for those 6 strenuous courses.
Walter Cronkite School of Journalism
Uptight news junkies, people who give a shit, girls who idolize Ann Coulter and buy pants suits upon graduating for interviews. Oddly hard to get into and if you’re going to college for the social scene (aka why you chose ASU) then the Downtown Campus location is reason enough to switch majors. The graduates of this school are most likely to join the Peace Corps and start a tumblr about living in Costa Rica and “changing the world” building one house at a time. Guaranteed the only only person reading it will be their mom.
Hugh Downs School of Human Communication
The hardest part about this school is differentiating between the 50 shades of processed blondes in your classes. Wear your sunglasses to class, because you’ll be blinded by the amount of neon the bros are wearing and be sure to rep your letters, whiten your teeth, get your hair blown out, put on makeup and get a tan before class. This school puts more effort into their class get-ups than their final exams. Definitely the betchiest school - most of the classrooms are conveniently located next to what used to be Frat Row and Adelphi Commons.
The Nursing program at ASU is extremely competitive to get into. And for good reason, nurses get access to IVs, what’s better for a hangover than a saline IV straight to my veins? Exactly.
Engineering/Architecture/Anything with Actual Physics or Mathematics
Too busy playing Halo/World of Warcraft/Bioshock or whatever is “hot” in the gaming world to look up from their computers to notice they’re in college.
School of Design
Respected - actually difficult to get in. Future Real Housewives of Scottsdale because they not only know how to design shit, but they can look hot doing it. RHS in the Vicky sense because these betches can run shit but also set alarms on the weekends. They recognize that the most useful part of college is learning to be the ultimate trophy wife; so while in pursuit for a degree in interior design they attempt to see as many bedrooms as possible at ASU - what....it’s research? They also are ahead of the curve when it comes to dating pros over bros.
School of Tourism
School of Study Abroad....If you need to convince your parents that study abroad is essential to your development, then this is the school for you.
Note ASU greek life went through a reform Kim Jong Un style around 2007, where most frats were destroyed. If being fratty was a major at ASU, most would’ve excelled, and most did. Going to ASU was like joining a frat in and of itself, so Greek Life wasn’t a huge factor - but if you want to be guaranteed that your friends have money, greek is the way to go. Honestly, finding a party at ASU is easier than finding a class.
FRATS (Note: most got kicked out for being too fun, sorry for partying, so that shows you the caliber of bros you’re dealing with - they do make some great neon shirts though....).
TKE - If you’re gonna go greek, you don’t go TKE - this went for both girls and guys. Known for their Christmas parties where they’d get freshmen girls to dress up as Ho, Ho , Hos and roofie their punch. Responsible to rises in use of the student health center come January to treat STDs. They’re not around anymore.
PIKE – Did your parents give you a trust fund but genetics that suggest inbreeding? Congratz, you were just accepted as a pledge to PIKE. Always threw parties with endless supplies of booze and amounts of drugs that would satisfy Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. We took the drugs and booze and called it a day with these guys.
Sigma Chi - Once Pike fell, Sigma Chi filled in as the new party frat. Former nerds who weren’t allowed in Pike, not as many drugs.
Delta Sig - “Oh yeah I have a weed guy,” he was most likely in Delta Sig. Rumored to have a bong about 5 feet tall - they had a house fit for cribs and knew that a party becomes better if you have one less often - so they always had sick parties, especially in the re-vamped house.
Pi Phi - The girls with the longest extensions, whitest teeth sporting a “Party with Pi Phi” tank around campus, usually talking to a bro on a longboard. 80% blonde and 95% boring, but their ability to always look hot even while black out more than makes up for it, fun to drink with - not the girls passing out at 1AM.
Delta Gamma - If you liked to suck dick this was the house you joined, “DG’s go down faster than an anchor.” They're just like, whatever.
Theta - More competitive than gays at a gay bar. “Smartest” (by ASU standards) and also really pretty.
Kappa - Kappas were the most chill and had the most fun, they always looked good doing it. The girls who would still do the skinny arm pose and look TSP while blacked out. These were the girls have been going to Coachella before anyone knew what that ferris wheel was.
Chi-Omega - Insecure girls who would black out and question their actions for the next week. The girls who look into doing community service to make up for fucking bros, but then are blacked out again my Friday. You can usually find them at Whattaburger with their sisters eating chicken fingers and fries around 3AM after hitting up The Vine dollar you call its - buying their own dollar you call its.
Freshmen year - Any where other than Tempe Campus is social suicide, as is living in a dorm post Freshmen year...only fucking virgin nerds live on campus after year one. The RA’s are usually hot and down to party as long as no one dies - rumored that some RA’s have Facebook fan clubs.
Sophomore year - Vista. Speakers underwater, it’s like Hard Rock’s Rehab across from campus. 922 Place (formally The Vue) is the same shit, but smaller and also a good option. These are ideal in the case you “happen” to plan your classes to accommodate a break between 10-2 (prime sun hours) you can take a study break pool side while waiting for your 3P American History, and by study break we mean, tanning, which will inevitably lead to pool side shots with Van Wilders in neon bathing suits “it’s colllllegggeee...” what American History class?
After your underclassmen years you venture somewhere that has a good pool. Villagio (Bro-Lagio) is a college community where the early risers wake up around 11 and are playing flip cup pool-side by 2, after hitting CPK for a salad at Tempe Marketplace. Houses along University that are a beach cruise ride away are ideal. Some people venture to North Scottsdale because “they’re sooooo over the college scene,” but we say why the fuck would you leave the party early?
Drink. You’re in the middle of the fucking desert - this is why meth has such high usage in Arizona - there’s nothing else to do and people get bored. Pool parties, go to Scottsdale Fashion Square, hike Camelback for Instagram purposes and to smoke a j at the top while wearing Lululemon shorts, a neon bra that compliments your neon Nikes and hair freshly curled “omg I just worked out sooo hard.”'
Tan, smoke weed....nap - you don’t want to get heat exhaustion, plan your outfit so it’s slutty/ironic/clever...we may not be “book” smart, but we can get clever when it comes to dressing like a slut...but not a whore, obvs
ASU is a Pac 12 sports school - so like, they are pretty good and shit. One of the things you’ll learn at ASU is “how to slut a shirt.” You’ll get a lot of free Maroon and Gold T-Shirts for game day while cruising Palm Walk. You’ll get together with your besties to cut/tie/shred them so they are barely recognizable as a T-Shirt and look more like a cut-out shirt from Nasty Gal....as mentioned...it’s hot, it’s a desert.
As if it wasn’t obvious that the point of ASU sports is to get blackout drunk (which we are nationally ranked on), ASU released all black uniforms and held a “Blackout Game.” Bravo, for a school that loves themed parties as much as they love sports. At least they are embracing what they are best at. If you wake up knowing who won, you did game day wrong.
Freshmen and Sophomore years are all about house parties. Since Arizona isn’t the most populated state, property is larger and thus more accommodating for guests. Themes are often recommended as girls are always looking for an excuse to dress like a slut, I mean, wear less clothes because it’s so hot.
Mill Ave. - After you pre-game at a house party you go to Mill Ave and start at Cue Club for Long Island iced teas “oh my god, I went to Cue Club and after that I have no idea.” Then you can venture to Robbie Foxes and dance an Irish Jig at Rula Bula. Once you hit the point of total Blackout you’ll wait in line at Slices to grab some pizza so you can spend Sunday texting on the elliptical at the Rec Cen or 24 Hour....Equinox, why haven’t you tapped this market?
Casey Moores - When you’re feeling liberal and want to talk about Obama and how the man is ruining America to bros wearing decorative scarfs in 90 degree weather. “I don’t know, I like want to do something different, how about Casey Moores,” 2 hours later you walk a few blocks to Cue Club in order to talk to a bro weighing more than 125 lbs.
The Vine - This is the mid-week spot, they have dollar you call its which are for poor people, but whatever anywhere that supports blacking out on a Wednesday is something we’re willing to support.
If you’re into bros in Ed Hardy hats, Affliction Tees who aren’t hot enough for LA clubs, then you hit up North Scottsdale. But even if you have 1 drink you get a DUI, so fuck that. Also, if you’re into bros in Ed Hardy....please re-evaluate what you value in life.
Old Town Scottsdale is for the person looking to black out somewhere other than Mill Ave. Notorious for being more lax on fake IDs bouncers care more about 30k tits than a homemade New Jersey ID...(side note: no one would pretend to be from Jersey, even for a fake ID)
Rocky Point Mexico - It’s a 4 hour car ride and you cross the boarder drive through your parent’s worst nightmare to end up in a white owned community - it’s like when Christopher Columbus took over America from the natives, but then stopped after this town because he didn’t want to fuck with the Mexican drug lords. There are 2 clubs to go to Baja and the other one white people go to that no one knows the name of because you have enough Kamakazis you forget you’re even in Mexico.
If you have the dough - Cabo, Acapulco - a cruise, whatever...somewhere you can get even tanner that permits bragging rights “Omg over spring break in Cabo....”
San Diego - For nice girls who can’t afford Vegas; it’s the beach; but it’s not Mexico.
Coachella - It might not fall during Spring Break but not going to Coachella while at ASU would be like drinking at an AA meeting - pointless.
Hungry Howie's - Drunk pizza with garlic crust - the only evidence I have of this place existing is the cardboard boxes I woke up to on my dorm room floor.
Filibertos AKA Filly B’s - Being so close to mexico Phoenix offers some great authentic Mexican food. What makes Filly Bs so authentic is they maintain the same sanitation standards as a restaurant actually in Mexico. Theres one on just about every corner. And every time the health department shuts one down they reopen under a slightly different name. So if your drunk and cant find Fillibertos try a Julio-bertos, Pedro-bertos, Rivas.... just don’t try any of them if you aren’t blacked out.
Z-Tejas is the group b day spot. Chambord margs, enough said...and it’s all you need to know. Obviously if you’re eating Mexican you get guac.
NCounter - Finally boozy brunch has hit AZ. Perfect place to pre-game the pool party.
Salt River Tubing (pretend your poor and watch Honey Boo Boo, it’s like a theme) - and you get more tan while in the water...the sun like reflects to it or some shit.
FBR - The most fun you’ll ever have at a golf tournament blacking out with bros in seersucker pants. The only thing that goes further than the drives on the 16th hole here is the projectile vomiting, on the 16th hole. Bring your
Vera Bradley and Lilly Pulitzer - “I’d love a Mint Julep, omg my dad totally knew Arnold Palmer.”
Spring Training - Have a favorite MLB team? Fuck no, want an excuse to day drink...fuck yes. Go to the giants. Located in old town Scottsdale everyone is too drunk to know what time it is, let alone who is playing. You only lose in spring training if you leave sober and ASU students are undefeated over their career.
Just graduate...at some point.
Take a course at Phoenix or Poly-technic campus. Pass the border patrol on your way back from Rocky Point and utilize your Spanish fluency (thanks language requirement!) to the locals in Mexico “Tequila por favor, mucho - gracias,” “Donde esta la playa?” “Donde esta pharmacia por plan b?” “Yo soy negro-ed out.”
I mean, it looks like ASU students were advanced in one area - why the fuck are people rushing to sit in cubes when we could be tanning poolside and riding in cars with boys to Mexico? Dad, more college please.
Hot as balls
Those abortion pictures on Hayden Mall - We know we’re all pregnant in Arizona anyways.
Christian nerds trying to get you to paint “A Mountain”
Anyone involved in Sparky’s Spirt Club