July 31, 2012
I recently happened to discover that an acquaintance of mine from college is now doing gay porn. I mean, he looks pretty good, but it's whatever because doing porn is tacky and #smellslikepoverty. Anyways, obviously I want everyone to know, but I don't want them to know it's from me. So what's a Gay Betch to do? What's the best way to tell people about our entreporneur friend without actually telling people?
Dear Fetch Betch,
Clever name. No one has ever thought of that before.
So the question everyone’s asking is: when you were looking up porn (dick in hand) and found this, did you jack off to it? Because that would 1) be incredibly weird considering you know him and 2) would undermine your entire predickament. See I can make puns too!
Also, how well do you know this person? When you say “acquaintance” I’m like getting vibes of yeah he fucked me when we were blackout once haha whoops. I feel like you just want to brag about fucking him so you can tell all your friends you fucked a B-list porn star. Guys this is like so embarrassing, but remember that senior I fucked sophomore year? Well he’s a porn star now? Omg so embarrassing, right?!?
Otherwise you can lowkey bring him up when you and your college besties are stalking people from your alma mater to see who’s married, who’s pregnant, who’s actually fat. Then you can feign shock when you “discover” his exploits post-graduation.
Just because you were browsing porn on your Google Chrome private browser doesn’t mean you can avoid the shame of jacking off to some desperate rando from your college pretending to be a naughty professor. Did you not see the Michael Fassbender movie? Things don’t turn out that well.
It’s just U + Ur Hand tonight.
The Gay Guys