Ask a Pro

By The Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

I'll be the first one to admit that I lack certain qualities of the overall betch lifestyle, the foremost of which includes the fact that I work really hard and remain extremely professional at my current job (absolutely no mixing business with pleasure). I love my job, but it tends to be a male-centric profession and I'm wondering if you can give the working betch some advice. Does how a woman dresses in the workplace significantly affect how male co-workers will treat her? If that is the case, what is the best way for a lady to dress at the office in order to be taken seriously without being told that she can't sit with anyone at lunch because that vest was disgusting?

Working betch

Dear Working Betch,

Cool, another career-oriented question that people who’ve never been a part of the workforce can bitch about in the comments. Obviously, I’m not going to get into specifics about brands or styles because I don’t know/DGAF. In DC (which, incidentally, is probably not the place to get style inspiration), I’ve noticed that the standard girl uniform on and around the Hill is a silky button-up top, pencil skirt, cardigan, flats, and a huge bag, usually with a pair of heels inside. And that’s fine. None of those girls are going to draw any negative attention from guys because of their clothes.

In my experience, girls in an office stand out (in a bad way) for two reasons. Fit is probably the biggest one. A lot of girls are either wearing tops that are too tight so they pull and pucker across the chest, or they’re wearing ridiculously oversized clothes because they’re afraid of showing too much skin. Either way, it’s distracting. The other way I see them screw up is not dressing appropriate for the office. It’s usually younger girls, and sometimes they’ll wear like, a pants suit when the aforementioned skirt and top would suffice. I don’t know why it’s ok for men to overdress a little, but when girls do it everyone notices. With shoes specifically, younger girls also like to wear huge “fuck me” pumps in the office. Heels are fine, but when they get past 4” or so you look and sound like a giraffe clomping around in them. Plus, they look like slutty. Wear your heels, but keep them on the shorter side.

In general, make sure your clothes fit and are in line with what other people are wearing. Also, the office is not a place to show off how trendy you are. Err on the side of simplicity with your clothes, and use accessories or jewelry to punch things up or add color. A big necklace or something would probably go unnoticed, while some ridiculous ensemble you pulled straight out of vogue would definitely get you the wrong kind of attention. Also, shoes should be closed-toe or peep toe at best. No one wants to see your fucking feet when they’re trying to get work done or eat lunch.

Stylish Kisses,

Head Pro



Dear Pro of the Pro's

I have a serious problem...I am sure this is how all of your emails start but I think this is one that many of us girls and guys come in contact with however there is really no set protocol on how this is handled. When you first start dating someone...when is it appropriate for your new man to turn to you and ask you to "split" the check and or say something as appalling as "You got this BABE."

I am writing this because last night I was out with this new "MAN" who started a tab at the bar....this would only end up to be hmmm maybe $30 feeble dollars at the end of the night. CHEAP! Then we sat down to eat....granted I don't eat shit because obviously a grey goose gimlet is far more appetite quenching in my opinion. That said when the bill came to my table it was upwards of $100 dollars (aka a LuLuLemon Top and a half) and this guy asked me to grab it....and don't forget that he kindly put Babe at the end of it...WTF

My jaw nearly hit the floor of this newly renovated watering hole in WEHO...Even though this was a "casual Thursday Night" I feel as though this is grounds for serious reconsideration of this adventure I was about to embark on. SOS!!! Am I being a total bitch or am I just too used to being pretty, pampered, and PAID FOR...and not in the Bunny Ranch kind of Paid for OK! If so then fine I will go on with my bratty ways.....however if not when is it appropriate to start GOD FORBID "splitting" checks (the phrase alone is somewhat gag inducing!)

P.S. Did I mention that he's texting me about all the stuff he's purchasing online for himself and how he CAN'T STOP?!?!?


A Former Yacht Club Badass

Dear Former Yacht Clu..... I’m sorry, I just can’t,

Ok. Where to begin. For one thing, and this is advice to everyone, there is no need to write me an email in such a way that tries way too hard to prove that you’re the baddest betch in town. I think you’re all pathetic awesome and interesting as it is, so there’s no need to ham it up. Plus, you know that whole “making up a fake name” thing that everyone does? Yeah, it’s pointless to write something in an attempt to get noticed with a fake name (the Head Betches and I notwithstanding). I promise, no one is going to be like “You know what I read yesterday that was really great? This advice question by Former Yacht Club Badass”.

Despite your almost systematic attempts to make yourself appear as awful as possible, it pains me to admit that in this specific situation, you’re in the right. If this is one of the first dates with your new MAN, it goes without saying that he should be the one with his wallet out. The only exception I could think of would be if you demanded he take you to a lavishly expensive place. But $100 for dinner and drinks sounds more like Applebees than Per Se, and given that I don’t know what the fuck WEHO is, I’m going to assume it was. Is it “West Hollywood”? Because if so, gross. Anyway, in general, whoever does the asking does the paying, and if you’re any kind of betch you’re the one getting asked out on dates, not vice versa.

If you’ve been dating someone for a while, it’s fine to split the tab. All pretense aside, it happens. But here’s a tip, guys are more willing to shell out for girls who are betchy, not bitchy. I’d love to hear his version of what happened, but my guess is this bro was either way too cocky and thought he could get away with anything, or you were being terrible. It doesn’t help that I now envision you TALKING with the same kind of EMPHASIS you use when you WRITE.

Either way, given his casual use of “babe” and your desire to be PAID FOR, I’m guessing things wouldn’t have worked out in the long run.

EMPHATIC kisses,

Head Pro


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