Ask a Pro

By The Betches

Dear Head Pro,

Usually with your column, I feel like it's either a bunch of delusional daters or whores, so PLEASE feel free to be brutally honest, although I really don't think I'm either. So here it goes:

I've been dating this total pro for not too long, but long enough to know that I honestly care deeply about him. The sex is amazing, he takes me on amazing dates, and is super generous (both with presents and his alcohol and weed). I'm in college, and it's great because if I need a night in, he's there, but he has no problem with me going out and partying with my sorority sisters. He's taken me home to meet his family, and he's been home with me to meet mine. Everything went great, they loved me, my parents loved him. Sounds perfect, right?

Well, here's the problem: last week his grandpa died, and he was a huge role model for my pro. He was an incredibly successful, wealthy, intelligent, but also genuinely good guy. And even though he was sick for a really long time, his death hurt my boyfriend pretty hard. Yesterday he told me he thinks we needed "space" or a "break" so he can sort through his feelings. He doesn't think "his grandpa would be proud of the person he is."

What's this about? Do you think this is just like a short phase? Or like a way to get rid of me? What's a betch to do?


Not a Delusional Dater (hopefully)

Dear Not a DD,

Unbunch your panties, because I don’t think you have anything to worry about, at least not immediately. Here’s what’s happening: Your pro is growing up, and fast.

Some people act mature and responsible their entire lives, and we call those people nerds. Other people never get the memo that there’s no such thing as “spring break in Panama” when you’re fucking 35, and we call those people losers. For the rest of us, over a period of time we slowly shed our college selves and become a little more refined and a little less ridiculous. I still like to get shitfaced and make women uncomfortable, but I’m not doing it in some gigantic 18-and-up club after blowing some nose candy on the arm of my bro’s futon anymore. Sometimes you wake up one day and realize you’ve been in this phase for a while (holy shit, did I really not go out last Saturday?), and sometimes it happens as a sort of epiphany.

That’s what’s happening to your pro. The loss of his grandpa probably makes him think of a lot of things, including his grandpa’s legacy and what he’s doing to live up to it. There’s so, so much more pressure from society and loopholes to jump through for men to become “MEN” than there are for women. Think about it, when you’re having a hard time with something, no one ever says “nut up and be a woman”. Men have to act a certain way and achieve certain things before society will call us men. His grandpa passing probably made him look in the mirror and go “What the fuck am I doing? I’m drinking all the time, I’m smoking weed like I’m in highschool, and I’m partying with a bunch of college kids.” All of a sudden, he’s realizing that if he wants to meet the expectations set by himself and others, he can’t perpetually be in college.

The good news is that there doesn’t have to be a reason why you can’t fit in with whatever scheme he has for himself. The bad news is that as part of his grieving and reinvention process, he may decide that he’s done with all the things that remind him of the time before he had his epiphany. All you can do right now is be selfless and supportive. Do the unbetchy thing and put him first while he’s having a hard time. It’s the mature thing to do, and maturity and stability are going to be what he’s looking for right now.

Mournful Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

I'm a sophomore in college, and my love life is non-existent. There always seems to be this one problem when I start getting interested in someone. Things will be going great - we'll have a lot in common, be very chatty, like hanging out, and then it happens. Like a slap to the face, I realize that I have been friend-zoned. This is super disheartening, especially since one of my best betches told me that this happens because of my friendly and outgoing personality. I don't want to change that about myself, but how should I be going about this differently?

For example, I really like this kid that I met at the beginning of this year. We totally clicked and even his friends say all the time how crazy it is that we are a perfect match. Alas, he is completely enamored with another girl that has a boyfriend. I saw my window of opportunity closing and thought it wouldn't hurt it I  told him I liked him. The conversation went really well; It wasn't awkward or anything because we're pretty good friends (I cringe at the word). He didn't say he liked me, but he also didn't say that he didn't see me that way or that I'm more of a sister, or any of that bullshit, so I'm trying to stay positive.

Am I fucked, or can this be fixed?



Dear Perma-Friend,

Goddammit, and things were going so well with the first email. This is the definition of delusional dating. You like a guy, you hang out enough to give him every opportunity to pursue you (even though you know he likes someone else), then you tell him you like him WHICH HE DOES NOT RECIPROCATE, and you’re still asking me if you have a shot? Your rationale is that he didn’t say he didn’t like you, so maybe hope is still alive. Earth to Matilda, you need to wake up. Look at it this way - somewhere, I assume, is a guy who likes you but you do not like in return, for whatever reason. Is there anything that guy could do to somehow convince you to like him? No, of course not. Why do you think it’s any different with this guy?

Also, your friends are fucking morons. No guy dislikes a girl because she’s friendly and outgoing. In fact, the only reason why your friends would tell you that is if you’re actually really unfortunate looking and they don’t want to be mean (to your face). What actually turns guys off is a girl who’s desperately TGF, which it sounds like you are. Unless you’re incredibly deformed, you need to sit back and let the guys come to you, because it’s no fun for us otherwise. Pining away for guys who don’t want you and expressing unrequited feelings to guys is for nice girls. Also, the fact that you’re lusting for some loser who’s chasing a girl he can’t have says something. And what kind of queer friends does this guy have that tell girls how perfect he is for them? Something tells me your process for choosing a suitor is a little off.

Take a deep breath, assess your betchiness, and start being acting like a girl that guys want to pursue, not the other way around.


Head Pro


If you like this douchebag, follow @BetchesHeadPro on Twitter or email him for advice at [email protected]




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