Ask a Pro

By The Head Pro

November 20, 2012

Dear Head Pro,

Up until the very end of my freshman year of college I was especially good at #not fucking bros...ever. Ever as in I was a virgin until the end of my freshman year. Not not to say that I never had my own definition of #sunday morning regrets...actually more like friday, saturday annnnd sunday morning regrets after too many shots of tequila/ vodka/ whatever shit they serve at frats. However, I'll admit that I was THAT girl who would go home with a guy who probably thought we were going to do it...and not do it. Anyways, my good girl streak of not fucking douchey frat bros while getting wasted eventually ended one night. Me and the guy had been talking for a while. He was kinda a fuck up but his, tallness, hotness, and richness made up for it. Anyways not sure why I though sex was such a big deal? It was fun but definitely not some notebook sh*t.

To the main point: ever since then when I get drunk I have been so casual about having sex. BEFORE I lost my V-Card I was able to get close to blackout drunk and always make sex off limits. Now I feel like I am starting to have no limits when I hook up with a guy. I've done it with four different guys in the past four weeks and not to mention I did it with two guys in the same fraternity in one weekend (praying to jesus that they aren't friends). Not sure how I went from being borderline prude to borderline hoe in the making. So...

1) Am I slowly turing into a non classy betch...if so how can I stop myself when I get drunk (getting less drunk isn't much of a option) 2)What's the betchy standard for when it's ok to have random or somewhat random sex? 3) Do you think anything will come out having random sex or am I becoming a delusional dater?


Sex Craving College Girl

Dear Sex Craving College Girl,

Well, you've got quite the impressive slutpage going, don't you? This is why bros love girls who lose the v-card later rather than sooner. When a girl loses it at an earlier age, that's all well and good, and awesome for some teenage future bro who probably ejaculates when sneezes too hard. But when a girl waits longer than normal it means she has years of pent up sexual energy, and she wants to do it all the fucking time. It's the reason bros get up in the morning.

To address your conveniently numbered questions, yes if you keep it up you will soon become “that girl” who’s made eskimo brothers out of the entire campus. I know you like to rage, but the definition of a drinking problem is when it interferes with things you’re trying to accomplish. In this case you’re trying to accomplish not fucking bros, and the drinking is definitely interfering with that. This isn’t something I say often, but if you want to chill out on the slutting, you’ll have to chill out on the drinking too. Sorry, not everyone can be a betch all-star. This is definitely a phase you’ll grow out of, but that won’t happen until after several years and UTI’s unless you take some proactive measures.

As for how and when it’s ok to have random, semi-anonymous sex, in theory the answer is never. In practice, it happens, and how often it’s appropriate is up to you and your sensibilities. I would say from a guy’s perspective, you’re probably good with around one one-night stand per year before anyone starts thinking you’re the campus bicycle. And sure, you can use random sex as a dating strategy the same way you can also use the lottery as an investment strategy. Don’t.

Depraved Kisses,

Head Pro



Dear Head Pro,

This is about my sister.  We attend the same college, and this means that I take on the responsibilities of being the big sister and making sure she doesn't do anything too stupid.

My sister has been hooking up with this guy since the winter.  I thought she would end it after a summer away, but he kept texting her over the summer.  Soon, it wasn't just hooking up; they would do homework and watch movies.  Fast forward to semi a couple weeks ago, when most of her friends got asked to go.  She didn't because he asked some other girl.  Well fucking duh, he didn't have to.  It's not like she's his girlfriend.  Afterwards, my sister confronted him and said she didn't just want to hook up with guys.  To which he replied that he didn't see why things should change since they would only break up when he graduates.  She told me that she wouldn't hook up with him anymore, but nothing has changed.

Like, what the hell?  This entire situation is really frustrating for me.  I know what she wants, and it is not this quasi non-relationship.  He is messing up her relationship prospects with other guys.  She not only hooks up with him but also does shit for him.  So why would he agree to put in work when he's getting it all for free? 

I don't want to see her get hurt and it's already happened once with this guy.  She tells me she's using him for sex, too, but sex buddies don't expect to get asked to semi.  And she needs to get out of this and meet guys she could have a future with.  Help!  She reads this site, too and loves your advice.  What's a betchy sister to do?

Trying To Save Her

Dear Trying to Save Her,

Ok, let’s chill with the melodramatics, can we? “Trying to save her” from what? Death? Disease? I know you want to look out for your sister, but trying to save her from heartache is like trying to convince someone that their LDR is doomed. They won’t know better until they’ve experienced it. You can tell her that she’s being used all you want, but unless he goes full-throttle Chris Brown on her, she’s just going to have to figure that out on her own.

The reason this is frustrating for you is because you don’t, in fact, “know what she wants”. You’re thinking too macro. Have you ever sat down and thought about what kind of relationship you want in abstract terms? Probably not, though anyone concerned enough about their sibling’s personal life to write to an anonymous advice column is probably anal enough to do so. She doesn’t want this quasi-relationship, or any other kind of specific relationship. She wants him. She didn’t want to get asked to formal because she wanted to go, she wanted to be asked by him. She’s not stupid (presumably) and she knows she’s not getting what she wants from him. But in her mind, having something is better than having nothing at all.

Obviously the guy’s no good for her, but she doesn’t like him so much as she likes the idea of him, or the idea of what might have been. You can try to explain that to her, and if you want to help your case understand that she’s in college. She doesn’t “need to meet someone she can have a future with”, she needs to be having fun, and if what they have isn’t fun, that should be your angle. Chill with the tiger mom bullshit if you want her to listen to you at all. I doubt you can talk her out of whatever it is the two of them have going on, but remember, everyone has their threshold for bullshit. She’ll reach hers eventually.

Brotherly Kisses,

Head Pro


If you also want advice from our Head Douche Pro then email him at and follow him on twitter because he tweets a lot of useless entertaining shit.... @betchesheadpro

Also, send screenshots of your sexts for Sexts and Subtext, Head Pro reads your convos and will tell it to you straight, with minimal bullshit. 








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