December 11, 2012
Dear Head Pro,
I have accidentally been fucking my ex boyfriend's best friend. I might have accidentally developed feelings for him too.
It all started on Halloween. I was looking super betchy in my Playboy Bunny costume and he obv wanted it all night. We kissed at the end of the night but that's it. We texted for like a week after, planned to fuck then that crazy betch Sandy hit and I didn't see him for another week. It took two weeks but we finally had drunk sex and it was spectacular. I had been having a problem with the boys I was hooking up with having baby dicks but this was not the case.
We fucked like three more weekends in a row and one time mid day SOBER but the last time I was super sloppy and accidentally told him I had feelings for him. He told me he "was like in looooooove with me" when I was dating my ex and that he had feelings as well. After that night I didn't hear from him for two days so i sent him a text along the lines of "Sorry if I made it weird between us I get it if you're not into me". No response for two days then he finally says back "idk I just wasn't prepared for that I was confused". I don't understand why he would say that he had reciprocal feelings if he didn't.
Anyway didn't talk for like two weeks after that happened and he texted me this weekend saying he would drive over to my house to fuck me.....
Should I go with it and fuck him for fun or will I just end up hurt in the end?
Booty Call Betch
Dear Booty Call Betch,
I know how you feel. I hate it when I accidentally fuck someone, and it happens all the time. I’ll just be walking down the street or at the dentist or something and I’ll look down and boom, there’s someone’s V all up on my D, and it’s like “well how the fuck did that get there?” I guess I just have a clumsy dick, who knows. It sounds like you have more “accidents” lately than I do, what with the accidental fucking, the accidental feelings, and the accidental mention of said feelings. It sounds like you need some kind of “dating diaper” with all these accidents. Maybe an actual diaper too, who knows. I won’t judge.
If you read this site at all, you know by now that you don’t have to like someone to like fucking them. People fuck people they don’t “like” all the time. Maybe you’re (accidentally) doing it right now as you read this. Or maybe, as I suggest to all readers, you’re reading this in bed with a sexy lady friend. [Maybe the two of you have been thinking of, you know, “experimenting” with some things and my words are exactly the kind of erotic catalyst you were looking for. It’s cool, just let things happen organically and see where it goes. Maybe the two of you are decked out in some cool new BSCB swag. Yeah, there we go. That’s how you read an internet column.] Oh yes, back to you. The accidental fuck feelings. I’m not surprised you’re developing feelings for the guy you’re fucking, because that happens from time to time. What does surprise me is that the dumbass you’re accidentally feel-fucking didn’t have any inkling of these feelings. Heads up to any guys reading this, if a girl is fucking you on the reg, there’s a good chance she’s into you.
When your cassanova sent a romantic text saying he’d “drive over to fuck you” that was his way of making super clear that he’s not trying to turn this into, you know, a “thing” right now. I don’t blame him, because for guys, messing around with a bro’s ex is shaky ground at best. That said, it’s usually not worth the hassle and uncertainty of becoming eskimo brothers with a guy unless you have some strong intentions. I would advise you to learn a little more about where he’s coming from before deciding what to do. Maybe ask him if having dated his friend makes this weird for him. If that’s the case, then you might have something there. If it’s not and he’s just not trying to get tied down right now, you might want to get out before you get hurt.
Hello there head pro,
I must say that at first I doubted your 'head pro' status, though after reading through some of the advice you've given others, I am no longer a hater. Plus, I appreciate your wit and sass. Anyway, I'm not sure that this question is exactly your area of expertise, though I'm sure you can draw some parallels in the situation.
Okay, here goes. Over the last month, I have increasingly been feeling more and more attracted to my best friend, who is also a girl. Although I've always seen women as incredibly beautiful and had crushes on girls before, I've never been with a girl in any serious way- aside from drunken make outs... don't hate, every girl has done it. Anyway, she knows me better than anyone, is gorgeous and intelligent, and we are really comfortable with each other. Last weekend, we went out just the two of us- and had an amazing time. I found myself feeling jealous when she was dancing/flirting with guys... not because I wanted to be with the guy, but because I wanted to be the one she was dancing/flirting with. Also, there was a girl who was literally trying to like mount my shit right then and there, and my friend 'rescued me' by making out with me- and pretending that we were together. Albeit drunk and kind of fake, when we kissed (for the first time!)- it just worked? You know, when you first make out with someone the chemistry is either there or it isn't? Well, it was. She slept over that night (which isn't unusual), and the next morning we happily joked/laughed about it. Another thing I should add: she had a thing with a girl for a while during the summer, so I don't think she's entirely closed to the idea.
Basically what I want to ask, is how do I determine if she feels the same way? How do I take things to the next level without potentially sacrificing our friendship? I'm not used to being in the situation where I have to feel out someone else's feelings... I'm more used to people coming onto me. I would love to know your advice on this situation. While I doubt that you've ever had a crush on a fellow pro... maybe you've had experience having a betch who's a friend that you start to feel more for.
YES. This is what I’m talking about. I need more readers like you. First of all, shame on you for doubting me. Secondly yes, I know that girls make out in bars for attention/free drinks, and morons with IQs equal to a comfortable ambient temperature always go apeshit for it. I also know that doesn’t make you bi/a lesbian. You just happen to be, is all. Anyhow, let’s see what we can do about getting you
some rug to munch on a romantic encounter with your bestie.
First of all, I think you need to decide what it is you think you’re looking for. Are you just curious to know what it’s like to be with a girl sexually (note: it’s awesome), or are you feeling more serious, deep feelings about your relationship with your bestie? If it’s the former, that’s probably a little easier because you can just do what guys do: get shitfaced and make a move. It’s funny, I usually don’t think too much about gender roles and stuff like that, but I realize that as a girl there’s a good chance you’ve never had to lean in and plant one on someone. Just go for it, and if she’s all “wtf?” just be like “sorry, you just look super hot tonight.” Trust me, bros have been falling back on that one for centuries. I would suggest, though, doing this somewhere other than a bar where she might confuse your advances for your usual bar makeout. Maybe in the back of a cab, or at home afterwards. In bed? Yes, always acceptable.
If on the other hand you’re looking for more than just experimentation, the good news is that the person is a) someone who you know doesn’t mind switch hitting from time to time and b) your bestie, so ostensibly someone who cares a lot about you and your feelings. My advice would be to start talking about it, but don’t make it about her at first. Just start a conversation about how you’ve always found girls attractive but that now you’re starting get a little more curious. See if you can get her to talk about her experiences. If she seems cool with it, maybe work in that she more or less embodies the kind of girl you see yourself having a relationship with. It’s flattering but not too overt, and that way you can have a substantive conversation about it without being like “I want you to sit on my face.” Trust me, that almost never works. Almost.
If the conversation goes well, see step one: Get shitfaced (and get her shitfaced), and put a move on her. Also, it’s probably best if I help you guys work this out in person.