Ask a Pro

By The Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

Usually I read the advice people ask you and think, "Well how the fuck would he know?" But I have a serious burning question that I need answered by a pro. So long story short I dated this guy last summer who lived at the beach with his guy friends. One of his roommates would always innocently flirt with me while I was over there, I didn't make a big deal out of it. My boyfriend and I end up breaking up for other reasons, that was that. A couple months later I see his roommate out at the bar. He looks good, we chat, I get blackout, we hook up.

We hang out a couple more times after this, he tells me he's always really liked me, things are going good, I start to like the guy, and then my ex-boyfriend finds out. My ex makes a huge deal out of it and makes the new guy feel like a super bad friend. Now the new guy only talks to me when my ex isn't around or when he's drunk. He says he really likes me, but if he does then wouldn't he make more of an effort to make things work? Or is guy-code more serious than I thought?

Clueless Betch

Dear Clueless Betch,

In short yes, “guy-code” (as no one actually calls it) is that serious. Guys just like each other more than girls. Sorry. Maybe not more than our wives or serious girlfriends or whatever, but any guy is going to be more loyal to his bros than, say, his ex girlfriend, or the ex girlfriend of one if his friends that he fucked a couple of times just because, you know, vaginas.

He says he really likes you 1) because he nailed you and doesn’t want you to feel bad, 2) because as his friend’s ex, he probably feels an obligation to be a little more delicate with the situation than he would with some random jizz receptacle, and 3) because yeah, be probably does like you to a degree. I mean, if you were good enough for one of his bros, there has to be something redeeming about you.

He’ll hit you up when he’s drunk or he doesn’t think his bro will know, but that’s probably all you’re going to get out of him. It’s one thing to screw your friend’s ex on the sly, but it’s a different story entirely to actually date your friend’s ex. Once the cat was out of the bag, so to speak, his loyalty to his bro will prevent him from taking it any further. Things could change over time (like, a decade), but I wouldn’t hold your breath. Or do, what’s it to me? I don’t even know you.

Nice Stems,

Head Pro


Dear Head Pro,

So my question is pretty cut and dry but I do need to preface with a little background.

Along with being betchy as fuck, I'm also kiiiind of a raging bitch. Now I need to make myself clear of this particular definition of bitch because I'm not using it in the conventional sense... basically when I say bitch I mean that I have a naturally uninterested, I hate you, fuck off face even when I'm in the best of moods. I'm actually a really personable kind of girl the majority of the time but I have these streaks of undeniable aggression. I like to make fun of people to their faces (it's a lot of fun for me and quite entertaining to anyone not in the line of fire) and I also really enjoy lying and making up elaborate stories when talking to people I'm just meeting or don't know well....  I also have zero tolerance for the discussion of feelings. Now when it comes my longstanding career of actually fucking bros, I've been very successful. As far as I can tell, they seem to like it when I go off on these tangents.

Quite frankly I couldn't care less what your answer to my question is because it will literally change none of my behaviors and I don't intend for it to. But essentially, all I really want to know is do guys get some kind of kick out of girls being mean to them? Or is there some other factor at work in the success of my penetration?

Bitchy Betch

Dear Bitchy Betch,

Yes, your email just exudes “personable.” At first I read this and was like “bitch is cray, delete”, but then because I fucking hate myself I read it twice. You’re not cray. You’re better than cray. You’re the Best Kind Of Girl. You’re every bro’s saving grace when he needs a release when he’s not drunk enough to fuck a fat girl and out of lotion back home.

Your punctuation, manic formatting, and pathetic use of the word “quite” are all I need to tell me you’re the Best Kind of Girl. You’re the kind of girl who thinks she’s way too cool for school, who’s all like:

“Whatever, I act like a total bitch and I still get guys to fuck me. I fucking hate feelings, because I don’t have time for shit because I’m too busy getting mine. Fuck it, guys like it when I’m mean to them because they know I’m not like all those other bitches. Do you know where your boyfriend is, loser?”

You are, in a word, delusional.

Here’s a little insight into the mind of a bro: We don’t give a fuck how girls like you act towards us, because it’s not like we ever intend to see you again. That’s what makes you the Best Kind of Girl. One minute I’m tuning you out and nodding while you make lame attempts to put me down and seem “alpha” and the next I’m comparing the color of the skin on your ankles to the color of the skin on your ears. And because your mind is so fucked up, it really is a win-win. I leave (on average, according to Wikipedia) between .1 and 10 milliliters lighter, and you’re left with the delusion that you actually earned or worked for something. If you count all the pointless talking and posturing as “work” then I guess you’re right.

So no, you being mean to guys is not a success factor in your “penetration.” The fact that you think it is, however, definitely is. Real bros/pros see your bullshit coming a mile away, and we live for that.

Never Change,

Head Pro




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