Ask a Pro

By The Betches

February 5, 2013

Dear Head Pro,

I'm not very good at being witty or sassy (obvs can't compete with you there) so I'm just going to cut to the chase here. What's a bros stance on tall girls? I'm not talking like the "OMG. When I wear heels I'm 5'10"" thing I hear far too often. This is more of the "I'm 6'1" barefoot and tower over everyone" problem. Now I'm sure the picture in your head is this beastly basketball player, or giant whale, but that's not the case at all. I've got legs for days and was blessed with my mother's good looks. I've even done some modeling (not that that means much these days).

I only ask because I've been getting a lot of shit for it as of late. All my shorter guy friends keep telling me I'm going to be alone forever because no one really wants a girl taller than them. I normally would say "Fuck you", then go make out with the hot guy at the bar, but it's starting to make me wonder. When the amazonian woman walks down the street and everyone stares are they thinking "Look how tall and pretty that betch is" or "Holy shit it's a monster! Everyone get inside!"?

Love you, mean it

A Tall Betch

Dear Tall Betch,

Fuck your guy friends. Wait, that didn’t come out right. Tell your guy friends to fuck off, there that’s better. As regular readers can attest, I absolutely love making fun of people for all sorts of reasons (being fat, being dumb, being poor, etc), but I’m a professional. What’s not cool with me is when people make fun of someone for something they legitimately, physically could never change. For one thing, it’s just uncreative. For another thing, in this case in particular it just smacks of jealousy. It’s not your fault that all your brofriends are stuck nibbling on girls’ ankles to get their attention while you’ve never once had to worry about someone blocking your view at the movies.

Truth be told, for some guys yes, you are going to be too tall. If a guy’s like 5’8” or less, neither one of you are going to be comfortable with that. But for anyone else, it’s their problem, not yours. I’m not as tall as you are, but do you think I give a shit? No, a hot girl is a hot girl. Sure, when you first walk in somewhere you’re going to get some stares because you’re probably one of the taller people there, let alone the tallest girl. But otherwise, do you think guys would point and laugh if Alessandra Ambrosio (not quite as tall but still) walked in? Of course not, as long as they aren’t insecure pussies.

Fuck the haters. If anything, your height makes it easier for you to weed out the broseurs.

I’d Climb That Mountain,

Head Pro

Dear HP,

So I have this dilemma, and I could really use the mature male's perspective on it.  So for my 17th birthday I got breast implants as a gift from my parents.  I LOVED them.  I felt really confident and ready to start college next fall looking hott.  However, now I am a senior about to graduate college and I absolutely HATE my boobs.  The clothes that I want to wear just don't seem to look right on me anymore.  It's not that I've gained weight (because I haven't), it's just that I'm finding it exceedingly more difficult to buy clothes that look good on me now that I'm getting older and dressing more conservative.  I've never been one to flaunt my boobs, but now I find myself ashamed of them almost.  I'm squeezing into 34DD bras and I just find myself so over it.

Here's the major question: Should I get my implants taken out? Or at least get smaller ones put in?  Every time I bring it up to a guy, of course their immediate reaction is "NO, DON'T DO IT!!"  I don't want guys to look at me differently or be less attracted to me if I have smaller boobs.  Obviously I want to look my best to attract bros, but I just can't seem to find just what it is I should do.  Am I just feeling this way because I'm transitioning out of college? Or is this something I should really pursue?  I'd really appreciate your opinion on this.

To DD or not to DD

Dear DD,

First of all, I’m not sure whether I should shake your parents’ hands or report them. A boob job for a minor? Christ. “Here honey, to show you how much we love you we’re going to make sure you have a clear and obvious path to a life of objectification.” Anyway, what’s done is done, and now you have a big ‘ole set of knockers and you aren’t sure what to do with them. I suppose there are worse problems.

Your guy friends are going to tell you to keep them in a) because they want to fuck you and b) because no guy is ever going to say “yes, it would be better if your boobs were smaller.” It’s just not in our vocabulary. In reality though, I don’t know any guys for whom simply having giant boobs = attractive. Sure, it doesn’t hurt, but I’ve never looked at a girl and thought “man, she’d be hot if she had bigger boobs.” For me, it’s just not that big of a deal. Some guys are “boob guys”, yes, but if a guy ever disqualifies you because of your tits, he probably has some personal issues he should be handling.

Like I’ve said before, a girl is hottest when she’s the healthiest, happiest version of herself, and it doesn’t sound like that’s where you are if your body makes wearing certain things uncomfortable. Stop tying your self-worth and attractiveness to your tit size, and do whatever you think will make you happy.

Motorboat Kisses,

Head Pro

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