Ask a Pro

By The Head Pro

Dear HeadPro,

I have a major problem that I have been trying to put off for a while but its seriously becoming an issue. Its kind of embarrassing and something I normally wouldn't talk about, but anyway, thank God for anonymity! Ok so heres the thing, I’ve only ever been with two guys so I don't have a lot to compare to buuut..

This guy who I've been dating for a year and a half now... and supposedly has had quite a bit more experience than me is just soooooooo terrible at fingering!! And at going down... the first one is the bigger issue though because it just seems so basic!!! No? anyway... he's not one to talk a lot about sex because I dunno it’s not a subject to discuss with the ladies (he's a Latin guy btw, and like he's got game it’s not like he's a total virgin) I guess my question is... what’s a good way to approach this?? To maybe try to teach him without hurting his ego/not coming through as horny and gross? I knowww I'm a total prude ugh, help a betch out though please


Frustrated Betch

Dear Frustrated Betch,

First of all, punctuation. Secondly, chill out with worrying about seeming “prudish” just because you haven’t fucked every guy in your zip code. It’s fine. Having slept with lots of people doesn’t necessarily make you a slut, and not having slept with many at all doesn’t necessarily make you a prude. Some people fuck more people than others. Also, don’t feel “horny and gross” just because you want it to feel good when Casanova’s wrist-deep in your sausage wallet. Why wouldn’t you? If you were in Chick Fil A and your Chick Fil A sandwich wasn’t up to par, would you worry about how you’d look if you complained? Trick question, there’s never been anything wrong with a Chick Fil A sandwich (Note from head betches: besides the people who own it hating gay people.)

Before you go making Powerpoint presentations and infographics, it would help if you know what you like yourself. I don’t want to presume anything, but if you haven’t taken a little “me” time in a while, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to find out what feels good to you, because everyone’s different. Once you know that, then it’s pretty easy - just tell him. Trust me, if this guy has any modicum of self assurance he’s not going to be humiliated by you telling him to go faster, slower, deeper, etc. After all, he’s down there playing stinkfinger to please you, not him. A little direction is always welcome.


Head Pro

Head Pro,

What's the deal with a bro who more-than-casually drops the L-word when he's drunk?

I've been seeing this bro for a little more than three months. I wouldn't call it serious; we aren't seeing other people but he's also made it very clear he's not ready for a relationship, definitely in no state to be saying "I love you." …but multiple times he's been intoxicated and let it out… and by multiple I mean a LOT. I've been chalking it up to the alcohol and deflecting. Regardless of how I might be feeling, there's no way I'm saying it back unless I know he's actually serious and not just an affectionate drunk.

What do you think? Is this just something he says when he's had a few too many, or are they right when they say "drunk words are sober thoughts"? I don't want to read too much into it, but it's becoming enough of a pattern to question what's going on here.



Dear Love?,

Sometimes, bros just have too much love to spread around and we can’t keep it inside any longer. Also, sometimes we get shitfaced. The mind of a bro is a complicated thing. I remember reading somewhere that even though we don’t show it as much, men actually experience emotions much more intensely than women do. So, that could explain a lot. When he’s drunk and having fun with you, it’s possible that in the moment he genuinely loves you. I doubt it’s coming from a place of insincerity.

The other possibility is that you’ve been dating for three goddamned months and hey, maybe he really does love you. When you’re an adult and have been in the dating world for a while, it shouldn’t take you but so long to figure out whether or not things are working with someone. If you get to where you’ve been dating someone exclusively for 6 months and you still “aren’t sure how you feel about them,” something is either fucked up or you are a crazy person and the guy you’re dating is actually just a stuffed raccoon wearing a Milwaukee Brewers souvenir batting helmet. If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a thousand times. Three months might be a little fast, but it’s not inconceivable.

Either way, I don’t think you need to worry about or do anything. Whether it’s true love or just momentary beer love, it’s not like he’s saying anything mean or calling you ugly. If you don’t feel the same way or choose to not reciprocate until he can say it sober, that’s totally up to you and probably not a bad idea. In my experience, the kind of guy who constantly says I love you to his girlfriend when he’s drunk either a) says it to everyone or b) isn’t far from saying it to her when he’s sober.


Head Pro




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