Ask A Pro

By The Betches

This week on Ask a Pro: Decorating tips (seriously) and a guy who got tired of living Mr. Big's "To be With You"

Dear Pro,

Me and my besties are moving into a townhouse for this next school year. New house = new everything. There haven't been any problems regarding the decor for the living room, kitchen, staircase, bathrooms etc. The biggest dilemma comes for the bedroom. I want a bedspread that is colorful, but not un-childish. I want my bed to be the main color source for the room and I will just have accents throughout the rest. I don't want to go overboard and end up looking like my room is a scene straight from Nice Girls R Us. I meannn, I could always go with my chic black and white Victorian style bedspread but that’s like, so last year.

I have been doing some serious online shopping this past week and it’s like, more work than I have ever done in my life. Anyways, I have come across some bedspreads that have the exact colors I am looking for, but they have been in floral print. Is having a multi-colored floral bedspread something that should be left for our betchy little sisters and not for us college betches? Plus, what’s a bro/pro to think when I bring him home and he sees a bed full of color and/or flowers? Is that a deal breaker or do guys not even notice that shit?

Clueless Betch

PS. This had nothing to do with dick until the very end.

Dear Clueless Betch,

Um, so this is new. I was sure you misaddressed this, but then you kindly reminded me that there was a subtle overtone of penis to it, so I guess you didn’t. 

I guess something to consider when you’re talking about design and guys in the same conversation is that fashion and style are separate entities. Men are retarded when it comes to fashion, because there are no rules; it’s arbitrary. There’s nothing logical about why something is in one season and out the next. Style, on the other hand, we get. Usually we can tell you if colors don’t go, or if something does or does not look good. In fact, any guy who’s had girlfriends leave Elle, InStyle, or Cosmo magazines lying around (they make for great bathroom reading) can probably even tell you why some decor works and some doesnt. So if something about your bedroom is extremely off, there’s a chance we might notice.

That said, room décor is really pretty low on our list of priorities. Just off the top of my head, some things to think about are color, pattern, and scale. These are the things a stylish pro keeps in mind when picking out a shirt/suit/tie combo, and I don’t see why that wouldn’t apply here. I don’t think making a multicolored bedspread the main source of color makes sense, because it’s more of an accessory. It should pick up on whatever color theme you have going in the room and introduce complimentary ones rather than carrying the whole color burden, just like a tie. Pattern and scale go hand in hand. If I’m wearing a striped shirt, the tie needs to either be solid or have a pattern bolder in scale than the stripe in the shirt. If I’m wearing a lightly striped suit and a gingham shirt, the tie needs to be solid because it’s just too busy otherwise. I assume the same would hold true depending on the rest of your room, like if you had a lot of patterned or striped pillows or something.

That’s about all I’ve got. Finally, remember that you’re going to be in there way more than anyone else, so do what makes you happy. I’ve yet to go into a girl’s room with intentions of fucking her only to be turned off by a fucking bedspread. Stuffed animals? That’s another story for another time.


Head Pro


Dear Head Pro,

I don't even know where to start with this. I guess I'll rewind 4 years ago to highschool.. Basically, one of my semi-friends had a huge thing for me, asked me to prom and I accepted..but I was a total betch to him the whole night. Flirting with other guys and flat out ignoring him. We would still hangout afterwards but it was pretty awkward since I knew he had a thing for me & it wasn't really mutual. He kept trying to woo me every now and then and I still wasn't biting. So I did what any betch would do, and resorted to asking for guy advice from him so he'd get the picture.

He backed off for a bit and got a girlfriend who, I'm sorry, but is totally my ugly doppelganger. I don't know where/how he found this chick. We kept talking and ended up going on a daytrip to SF doing totally date-ish things. We went to his fam's apartment and looked at the view, then went ice-skating, grabbed lunch, walked around the city, etc etc. I started to think I should actually give him a shot, and then I'd remember he has a gf. This trip was back in December and he still hits me up to hangout since we're both home for summer. And, surprisingly, I'm actually down. So I guess this is was the longest way to ask this question but here it goes: What do I do with this situation? I don't want to be the "other woman" (been there, done that), but I think I'm starting to fall for the kid. And let's face it, his gf is just a temp version of me

Please help a betch out,
Retired Homewrecker

Dear Retired Homewrecker,

So you decided to ruin what was, at that point, the biggest night of this guy’s life and then take it a step further by continuing to hang out with him? Bravo. Look, I don’t feel sorry for this guy, because chasing a girl who doesn’t want you is about the least bro thing you can do. I just don’t feel very sorry for you either. You’ve been handed the ultimate loss for a betch: Being friend-zoned by a bro. It sounds like he grew a pair, found someone who’ll let him get his dick wet, and actually just wants your company. Does he like flaunting his status in front of you? Probably, because fuck you for making an awkward seventeen year old guy feel even more awkward and impotent at his fucking prom. Guys are like elephants in that we never forget and have prehensile noses.

Lord knows it’s fucking sweet to have someone who likes you more than you like them hang on your every word, but you can only expect to exploit someone for so long. You were fine until he got a girlfriend, and then you no longer had the satisfaction of being the singular object of his desire. Boo fucking hoo. Sure, maybe things won’t work out between them and you’ll have your shot, but even if that happens the power is now all on his side of the table. Just let it be and make what you can out of the friendship. And who knows, maybe for all those years you were just a temp version of his current girlfriend.


Head Pro


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