Ask a Pro

By The Betches

Dear Head Pro,

So, I'm embarrassed that I'm even asking this but whatever. I lost my virginity at the beginning of freshman year, and after that I'll admit I got a little carried away for the rest of the semester. So now my "number" is higher than I ever expected it to be. Like, it's not awful, but it's to the point where I end up subtracting by like 2 when people ask me about it, even to my best friends

Anyway, by now I've changed my briefly skanky ways and I'm ready to put it all behind me. I know you've said before that the number doesn't really matter, and I'm not embarrassed so much by the quantity itself but by the period of time in which I managed to reach it. So, my question is, when I eventually find a guy that I'm serious about, if he asks me how many people I've been with, do I tell the truth and try to explain myself or is it going to totally freak guys out if they find out about my period of sexual rebellion and the emotionally fucked-up reasons for it? Like I've obviously resolved my issues or whatever but do guys even care about that or is it just "once a slut, always a slut?"




Dear Ex-Skank,

Congratulations on your reform efforts, I guess. Most girls go through a slutty patch, but not all of them take the initiative to determine what level of promiscuity is comfortable for them. If you feel like you need to lie to your closest friends about how many poles you’ve polished, maybe you need new friends. I mean what, are they going to stop liking you? Sure they might judge you, but you ought to be able to depend on your best friends to support you through even the sluttiest of slutpages. Besides, once you cross that bridge and realize that, surprise, sex is usually pretty fucking fun, it’s understandable to overindulge a bit. Sex is kind of like Chick-fil-A sandwiches in that way. Lots of ways, actually.

Regarding discussions with your yet to exist boyfriend, that’s not a conversation that ever needs to come up if you can avoid it. Trust me, whatever the number is, he doesn’t want to know it and you don’t want to know his. There is absolutely nothing more vom inducing than imagining your significant other plowing/getting plowed by someone else, I promise. Your stomach drops and your butthole kind of puckers up and it’s zero fun. If he insists on asking, just be firm, vague, and brief. Say something like “I don’t know why you’d ever want to know that. More than none and less than a lot, but it’s not something I’m preoccupied with. We’re together now, so I don’t see how any good could come from talking about our sexual past.” Don’t be defensive, but seriously no one has ever felt better after a conversation about how many people their partner fucked before them.

The only exception I can think of is if your reputation is wildly different from reality. Sure, you may have banged a bunch of bros in a year, but even if you’ve calmed down the reputation for being a slut might follow you forever. The last thing any guy wants is to look like a fool because he wifed up the campus bicycle, so in that situation it’s better to be more open with him and set the record straight. If he’s into you he’ll defend you, but he needs to know that things aren’t as bad as people make them out to be. Just saying something like “I was a little out of control my freshman year and haven’t been since, but people can’t seem to let that go” would do a lot to reassure him.

Remember, the past is in the past, and it's your body and your choices. You should definitely learn from what you see as past mistakes, but that doesn't mean you need to feel fucking guilty about them for the rest of your life.

Good Luck,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

Here's the deal. I'm a hot (really hot) betch. I dress well and take care of myself. I party at the right clubs (in fucking New York, duh), my besties are hot sorority betches, and I know how to have a good time. I'm also intelligent and well-educated. Basically I'm fucking perfect. So of course this bro quickly becomes obsessed with me because I show him an iota of attention. After a month of playing hard to get, I blackout slept with him.

Now I fucking have feelings for the guy. But now that he's gotten me, he's not nearly as into it. In terms of looks... this bro is like a 6, and I usually hook up with 9's. He's also kind of retarded and doesn't understand half of my vocabulary. I know I'm above him. Once upon a time when he was a drooling puppy, he knew it too. Now how do I make him realize that he's letting go of the best thing that ever happened to him? Granted, some evidence has been presented that he's a delusional loser still fucked up about his cheating ex. But I still really (vomit) like him. He was the nicest bro before shit hit the fan. Should I move the fuck on? I know he sounds like a total loser, but not too long ago he was perfect boyfriend material.


Fucked over betch

Dear Fucked Over Betch,

Wow. Man, I can tell how awesome and hot and fun you are just from your email. In fact I know you must be hot, because you had the courtesy to use a fake email address to prevent me from, I don’t know, I guess looking you up on Facebook and being blinded by your hotness (Note to readers: I have neither the time nor the inclination to do this). So despite you being the hottest, smartest, best dressed, and most fun betch in the universe, you not only pay attention to but also sleep with a guy who looks like Quasimodo and has a prescription for Velcro shoes? And you’re asking me how to get him back after he’s put you on the patent-pending Head Pro “Tag and Release” program? Yeah, I’m sure you hook up with “9’s” all the time, sweetheart.

Let’s say you are relatively attractive and not nearly as terrible as your email makes you sound. In that case, is it possible that the only reason you’re hung up on this bro is because he’s not hung up on you anymore? Hot girls are pretty used to guys coming after them, so sometimes bros have to adjust our strategies for dealing with them. As my bros and I like to say, “you’ve gotta let them see you not seeing them”. It drives some girls nuts, because literally every other guy in the bar wants them and we’re too busy being sweet, calling each other “fag” and openly mocking lesser men and/or nice girls. Just make sure that’s not what’s going on here. Do you want him, or do you just want him to want you again?

The other (and more likely) possibility is that he was into you, took you up on the sex when you offered, and then was just kind of over it because honestly you sound like a bitch. In that case, the only way you can convince him he’s “letting go of the best thing he ever had” is by morphing into an entirely different person. Or a Chick-fil-A sandwich.


Head Pro

For more douchey advice email [email protected] and follow @BetchesHeadPro on Twitter!

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