Ask a Pro

By The Betches

Dear Head Pro,

So I understand that Fifty Shades of Grey has like totally sparked interest in sex for old, died-up married women with their boring husbands and all, but I have a bestie taking this kinky stuff way too seriously. She now refers to all sex as “vanilla” with guys who won’t choke her and shit. This one bro even told me that on their one night stand, she tried to tie him up and attach nipple clamps—what are those even… like chip clips? Any way, she is out of control. We knew she was taking this whole “Fifty” thing too far when every time we saw her she referred to random shit from the books. But now all the bros are talking and it’s becoming embarrassing. How do we get her to understand she is going to far and developing a horrible rep?


So Over “Fifty”

Dear So Over “Fifty”,

First of all, I think we’re all over that stupid book. Woo hoo, you wrote a book with an unassuming cover that housewives can masturbate to while their impotent husband’s passed out next to them. I read that the author makes something like $1.3MM a week off it, which means she’s selling a shit ton of copies. Do you know how many women masturbate to the shit I write? According to a poll I took at the pool this weekend, the answer was anywhere from “get the fuck away from me” to “I’m calling the police” with a margin of error of +/-  five percent.

As for your friend, yeesh… That’s some kinky shit, and with random bros no less. There’s nothing wrong with liking kinky shit in the bedroom, and apparently a lot of women do if those ludicrous (and probably inflated) sales figures for Fifty are to be believed. The problem is that kinks and fantasies are pretty intimate and personal and best explored with someone you trust, or at least a like-minded stranger you found on Craigslist. I mean, maybe I get off watching a girl sodomize a grapefruit with a strapon, but I’m not going to try to make that happen during a casual hookup. At least not until grapefruits are back in season and more affordable, anyway.

If you want to help your friend, acknowledge that her kinks are normal, but that there’s a time and a place for them. No one wants to be the girl on campus who guys are actually afraid to fuck. Let her know that there are probably a lot of guys out there who’d like to indulge her, but that it’s something she needs to ease into. Also, keep in mind that it might be a phase. When I was younger I was obsessed with Spiderman, but now that I’m an adult I hardly ever secretly wear red and blue spandex under my normal clothes. It’s just too fucking hot this time of year.

And yes, I think they’re a lot like chip clips.

Kinky Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro-

Despite my efforts in trying to stay self supportive and independent, I need some advice. I started dating, quite literally, the man of my dreams about two months ago, after chatting long distance with him for about 3 months. He is everything I could have ever asked for, tall, handsome, wants to be a chemist, with an awesome outlook on life. He makes me think, question my bad habits and makes me feel like a real, genuine human being. The only problem is, he is a total self discloser in the worst kind of way. He tells me when he checks out other girls, he tells me his "top 3" celebrity crushes- all of which totally crush my confidence (well, ego but thats another story). They are all the complete opposite of me, I am a blonde, petite, big boobed, tiny (but nice) backside kind of girl and he LOVES curvy dark haired women, with big tushes (I mean, who wouldn't). But he makes it super apparent. How in any way can he be with someone who is the complete opposite of his type, and how can I stay confident that he won't fall for someone who is more his physical taste when they opportunity arises? It really quashes all of the trust that I've been trying to build up with him and it makes it really hard to be completely head over heels for him due to my, now lowered, ego.

Thanks love!


Used to being the dream girl

Dear Used to Being the Dream Girl,

Oh man, I am all too familiar with this situation. In the past, did I encounter girls who, knowing my proclivities, were reluctant to hook up with me because they thought they “weren’t Asian enough for me”? Absolutely. Did I silently agree and get on with it anyway? Maybe. Has a reputation for having a case of Yellow Fever so acute that Walter Reed couldn’t cure it come back to bite me in the ass? Sadly, yes.

Guys have the mentality that being on a diet doesn’t mean we can’t look at the menu, and I’m sure most girls would agree. The problem is that it’s really fucking annoying to have to sit next to someone who won’t shut up about how tasty everything on the menu looks. But as any betch knows, sticking to the diet means that you can talk about it all you want, you just can’t order it. Ok this analogy is getting kind of gay, but fuck you I haven’t had lunch yet.

Anyway, there’s a big divide for guys between who we would fuck and who we’d commit to. It’s obvious to us, but apparently not to girls, and it doesn’t help when he makes a comment every time he sees a nice piece of ass (especially if she’s nothing like you). That said, don’t worry about being someone’s “dream girl” in terms of looks. Worry about being the whole package, because when guys settle into a relationship that’s what hooks us and keeps us there. And trust me, if he’s dating you that means he thinks you’re plenty hot.

Still, age has taught me that what he’s doing isn’t kosher, so try this: Every time you get the chance, comment on some guy who’s really classy but also a physical specimen (think Hugh Jackman, Daniel Craig, or me). Just don’t pick Channing Tatum, because even guys know he’s a white trash former stripper and he’ll laugh at you. When he makes some off-hand remark like “hey, I’m sitting right here!” that’s your chance to let him know that that’s how you feel whenever he goes from six to midnight watching Keeping up with the Kardashians.

You’ll always be my dream girl (provided you’re Asian),

Head Pro




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