Ask A Pro

By The Betches

Since it’s the 4th of July (aka my birthday, aka the greatest day ever), I thought we’d celebrate by discussing a great American tradition: obesity.

Dear Head Pro,

I am in desperate need of an outsiders opinion.  I've tried therapy with this problem but I can't take myself seriously and start cracking up.  I've been off and on seeing my favorite chubby bro.  This might sound weird but I'm honestly the biggest chubby chaser and the fatties are the only ones that can actually get me going!!! Is this socially unacceptable?  We've never dated and I don't know if I'd want to.. We have a lot of fun(sex) but thats not all I want from a guy anymore... My friends all tell me different things and I'm very bipolar when it comes to this. One moment I've ditched chubby boy and the next I'm obsessed.  In no way is this kid in my league but he's extremely entertaining… like the fat friend you want to bone (just me?) I am sooo confused on what to do.  Do I ditch my favorite FB and find a pro that I'm not really attracted to, keep it strictly as an FB relationship, or throw in the cards and date him... Please help ASAP!


Chubby Chasing Hormonal Betch

Dear Chubby Chasing Hormonal Betch,

Sit tight, I know some people you should talk to…


Dear Head Pro,

I recently started seeing this pro and its starting to get serious. I'm legitimately interested in him and we have a fab time together. I only have one complaint/concern: he sort of has a tummy. He has skinny legs and a decent upper body, but he has a little too much goin' on in his midsection. I've asked him about his workout routine and he says he works out at the gym in his office three days a week. True or false, that doesn't really matter, what matters is that its not working for him and I work my ass off maintaining my stunning figure (obvs) and I want my man to do the same, or at least have decently flat abs. So, my question: how do I bring this up? We haven't been together long enough for this sort of a discussion to come up naturally. Should I not be concerned about this? I don't want to come off as a bitch, but this betch has her standards.

- Chubs need not apply


Dear Head Pro,

So I need some help.  I've been dating this guy for a while now and he's totally great: trust fund, corporate job in the city, dresses well, his mom loves me, puts up with me when I'm a drunk bitch and still loves me in the morning, etc.  He has a great face and tons of potential but he just doesn't have a good body.  I know that I'm a total catch, being a betch and totally hot and smart and all, but I've still fallen for this guy.  I want to keep him around for a while, for like ever, but not if he doesn't shape up! 

The problem is that I don't know how to tell him to lose some lbs and hit the gym.  Like I can't walk down the aisle to marry someone with no abs.  I care about his feelings and don't want him to go jumping off a building when he finds out that I think he's fat, so I need a way to break it to him gently.  I'm always in the gym so I don't turn into Mischa Barton but I can't get him to come with me.   I know I could find someone who is already fit, but I don't know if anyone else would treat me better.  Betches may not have a heart, but I do like a guy who is always telling me how perfect I am.  What's a betch to do?  I know you're totally gorg, but say you were a doughboy, how would you want your gf to break the news to you?


Idiot in love


Dear Betches,

Nailed it! Idiot in Love and Chubs Need Not Apply, how about we just arrange some kind of weird fucking obese human trafficking exchange between you and Chubby Chasing Hormonal Betch? I mean, I have your email addresses, so I can get the ball rolling. She can wallow in disgusting, sweaty ecstasy with your fat bros, and you two can find guys who don’t blame things on their thyroid.

If you insist upon staying with their fat asses, you’re right to assume that this is a difficult conversation. Women get all of the attention in terms of body image issues, but the truth is that guys can be held to an equally unattainable standard. Plus, we don’t want to be called fat any more than you do. I fucking hate fat people, so to be called one would be just as insulting to me as it would to any girl. I mean, I’m almost criminally handsome so it’s not really an issue, but everyone has days when they don’t feel like they look their best.

The thing to keep in mind about weight loss is that it’s probably 80% diet and 20% exercise. You have to burn more calories than you can take in, and while you can spend an hour in the gym burning 600 or so calories, you can eat at least that many in the span of like ten minutes. Three days a week in a shitty office gym just isn't going to cut it. If you want them to lose weight, make them a fucking sandwich (man, I’m on fire today).

Seriously though, set an example through eating well. I know betches aren’t supposed to eat, but I didn’t think they were supposed to date fat bros either. It doesn’t have to be complicated, just lean proteins and lots of fruits, grains and vegetables. Keep him away from the deep fryer, processed carbs (sugar, bleached grains), and fatty condiments like cheese and heavy sauces and the weight will start to come off. If neither of you can cook, learn, because it’s nearly impossible to be healthy when you eat out all the time.

Regarding the gym, good luck because no bro is going to want to workout with his noticeably fitter girlfriend in front of other people. Instead, suggest some more active things the two of you can do outside of the gym. Go for long walks if the weather’s nice, and be sure to set the pace so he has to keep up. Alternatively, maybe tell him you want to try something like P90X and see if he’d like to do it with you. The more he moves around and gets into better shape, the more he’ll want to continue. Any bro that’s worth a shit will have one embarrassing workout and say “man, I have to do something about this.”

Failing that, I’m still willing to sell their fat asses to Chubby Chasing Hormonal Betch. Just say the word.

Gravy Kisses,

Head Pro




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