Ask A Pro: Why Am I Being Friendzoned And When Should I Have Sex In A New Relationship?

Head Pro is the only advice-giver at Betches capable of peeing while standing up. For more of his advice, email him at [email protected], and look for his insights in our upcoming book, I Had a Nice Time, And Other Lies..., available for preorder now.

Dear Head Pro,

I’m hoping you can give me some insight as to what’s going on in a guy’s head when he isn’t over his ex yet. I met this guy on OKC, we hit it off really well, we have the same sense of humor, a lot of the same interests, amazing chemistry...  We slept together for the first time on our fourth date. That whole day and the next morning he seemed really happy and kept making references to us doing stuff in the future, and we had a tentative next date set when I left.

However, that weekend I don’t hear from him, so I text him and he says next weekend works better. Ok. So, next weekend rolls around, and I hear nothing from him. I finally sent him a text on Monday and after two entire days, he texts me back saying he thinks I’m great but he doesn’t think we should see each other romantically any more.

I felt totally blindsided and shitty, but he assured me up and down it had nothing to do with me, and he listed a bunch of things he liked about me, how attractive he thought I was, how we got along great etc. He just “had some things to sort out.” I was still confused, so eventually he admitted that he had an ex he wasn’t over yet, but he still wanted us to be friends and suggested an event for us to go to next week.

So now I’m not sure what to do. My first thought was that if he really thought I was that great, then I’d be enough for him to get over his ex. Right? Should I try to have a friendship with this guy? Is that just his way of keeping me in the picture if things with his ex don’t work out? (I don’t know if they’re in contact or if he’s just pining for her).  If we weren’t attracted to each other I think we could be great friends, but suddenly becoming platonic when we could barely keep our hands off each other on our dates seems like it would be awkward. I think he’s a great guy, but waiting to see when/if he moves on from his ex just sounds like a bad idea.

Help me please,

Friend without benefits

Look, you could be Selena Gomez offering to blow him while he plays golf on the moon with Chris Pratt (I have weird dreams, shut up), and it still wouldn't necessarily be "enough" to get him over his ex. It doesn't work that way. It turns out there's actually some science behind why guys (and to a larger degree, everyone) finds themselves in the ex bf/gf cycle from time to time. This study from Stanford explains why people in general have a hard time getting over breakups. If you're the type of person who believes your personality is fixed (i.e., you've "become who you're supposed to be a la Hannah Horvath), the failed relationship will feel like it exposed some fundamental flaw in who you are as a person. That, understandably, can fuck with you.

For men specifically, it turns out that in the long run breakups hurt us a lot worse than the laydeez. Women feel the sting more at first (ostensibly due to the lost "investment"), but the longer we're single, the more it sinks in that we have to start from scratch and once again "compete" with other men to get laid. Counterintuitively, meeting with someone "great" like you could serve to remind him just how far he has to go to get back what he had with his ex.

If you're really into this guy, I wouldn't bother trying to be friends. It's an unfair power imbalance, because you're basically the equivalent of a guy who thinks he's been "friendzoned" -- you hang around hoping he'll clean things up and date you, while he keeps you around KNOWING he could have you whenever he wanted. That's no way to live. He's not gonna lose your number, so if/when he's ready to dip his toes back into the dating pool, he'll let you know.

Dear Head Pro,

My question is about sex, and when to have it/not have it. I know the Betches strongly advocate not fucking bros, and I generally understand the many benefits of waiting awhile to have sex with someone you're dating, which is what I try to do. I'm getting a little frustrated/confused though, because with the last couple guys I've dated, waiting to have sex hasn't had effect I've wanted it to have (that is, to screen out guys who aren't interested in a relationship with me and to not rush things). There was one guy who, after telling him I wanted to wait to have sex, never called me again, despite the fact that before this he told me he was interested in pursuing a relationship with me. He even told his mom about me and invited me to a party at his office! There was another guy that I never heard from after we spent the night together on our 3rd date (we didn't even have sex, just mouth stuff).

Both of these guys did everything I would have expected a guy interested in a relationship to do...they planned nice dates ahead of time, made an effort to get to know me, and were generally respectful of my needs and my time. No red flags came up for either guy (except that guy telling his mom about me after like 2 dates, that was kind of weird).

So, my real question is a 2-parter: Is there some sign I should be looking for that I'm not aware of, that might tell me whether or not a guy is just looking to get laid? I thought that with guys in their late 20's and early 30's it would be easier to tell but apparently it's not. Either that or I just have a terrible personality. And second, if I don't have sex with a guy but we do other stuff that may or may not result in him having an orgasm, is the effect the same as if I were to have sex with him. Like, if I don't want to have actual P in V sex because I'm not ready, but I'm still attracted to a guy and interested in doing other stuff, is it like I may as well have just gone all the way? Ew, I hate that phrase.


Please don't make fun of me in your answer

More than doing anything wrong, it sounds like you're just falling victim to a lot of terrible dating "truths" that continue to plague society. And that's excellent, because it gives me an opportunity to shamelessly plug our upcoming book, where the girls and I address a lot of this bullshit. Basically, every convenient dating parable you've heard is an example of confusing correlation with causation.

- If anyone knew a way to tell if a guy wanted to date you or just fuck you, that person would be very wealthy. Think about a couple you know who's been together a while, and a couple who went out once or twice, fucked, and never spoke again -- do their first dates necessarily look meaningfully different? If (and this is a BIG if) you want a rule, I'd be warier of the guy who splurges on a big first date. A guy open to a relationship isn't necessarily willing to invest in more than a chill date until he's invested in the person. A guy trying to fuck, however, might really sell out in hopes of scoring.

- When it comes to what people say, unfortunately you have to believe them at their worst and be cautiously optimistic when they're at their best. If a guy tells you he wants a relationship on a second date, think for a minute: How is that possible? Who, exactly, does he want a relationship with? He barely knows you! A guy saying he's just looking to hook up, though, that's a different story. You believe that guy.

- The whole "not fucking bros" thing is COMPLETELY misunderstood. Occasionally, it's possible that holding out will keep a guy on the line long enough to become invested in you so that when you do fuck, he likes you as a person. But more often than not, it's a screening tool. That guy who bolted after you told him you weren't down to clown? He was going to bolt whether you had sex or not.

- The same applies when it comes to vagina fucking/mouth fucking. There's nothing about getting our dicks wet that that flips an "ABORT" switch in our brains, regardless of the moisture source. Doesn't matter if you're blowing him, fucking him, or he's a #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch -- if he doesn't call you after your night of ecstasy, he wasn't going to call you regardless.

There's a lot more to it than that, but keep this in mind the next time you swipe right.

Head Pro is the only advice-giver at Betches capable of peeing while standing up. For more of his advice, email him at [email protected], and look for his insights in our upcoming book, I Had a Nice Time, And Other Lies..., available for preorder now.




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