Are Guys More Complicated Than They Seem? Ask A Pro

Send Head Pro your questions about life, love and fucking club promoters to [email protected]

Dear Head Pro,

First of all, love your work. Maybe the betches have already talked about this but I really don't feel like scrolling through the past to find out so I'm hoping you can help with your infamous advice. I recently called it off with a guy because we got to a point where I was starting to catch the feels and tried to have the talk with him about it and he said he liked hanging out with me but he doesn't want a relationship. In my experience, not like that means anything, I consider this to mean he wants the best of both worlds being single and having sex with me. Since I'm not some doormat for his convenience, I ended it. Looking back on my dating life I'm beginning to see a pattern here and searching for some clarity. So I'm wondering from a guy's perspective if there are ever other reasons a guy would want to be with someone but not be in a relationship with them? Yes, yes I know he's just not that into you but is that really just it or are men more complicated than we think? Probably not but hoping you have something good for me. Thanks for your time!


Solo in cuffing season

Dear Solo,

No, guys aren’t any more or less complicated than you think. Individual guys are people just like everyone else (and thus predisposed of the same complex and sometimes contradictory feelings), but I’ve noticed that girls seem incapable of understanding their apathetic or ambivalent feelings towards them. It’s like women have it drilled into their heads that men are one step above single-celled organisms, and then are shocked, SHOCKED when a guy expresses a nuanced idea like “I like you well enough, but I’m not looking for that kind of thing with you.”

Guys are opportunistic creatures, and there’s no threat of reputational or social backlash for hooking up with someone we aren’t official with. We’re also just as capable of being irrational as anyone else, hence his hesitance to even consider putting a label on it, even though nothing about your relationship would change. Humans, because we’re essentially apes with iPhones, have the tendency to imagine themselves becoming indomitable sex gods/goddesses in the near future as soon as the DTR talk is on the table. BUT WHAT IF ALL OF THE VICTORIA’S SECRET MODELS WANNA FUCK ME AFTER WE BECOME OFFICIAL?

Anyway, you did the right thing, and no, there’s probably nothing about you that makes you fuckable but undateable.

Cautionary Kisses,

Head Pro


Dear HEAD pro,

Can we talk about blow jobs for a second? The first time I gave a new hookup head I thought I had just performed a "classic BJ." It has always gotten the job done quickly and with great reviews in the past. But after I gave this new guy head, he told me that "constructive criticism, it wasn't BAD, but it really wasn't that great either." First of all, what the fuck?! Second of all, this guy has turned out to be a total dick as his communication skills and his so called "feedback" just got more critical as this night went on. So he's a thing of the past now but my insecurities about giving head have remained. So now I turn to you, what makes a blow job GREAT?


An average girl with average oral skills

Dear Aren’t You CLEVER,

Three things:

1. An orgasm
2. Not having to pay for it
3. Not being an entitled, overly-critical asshole like the guy in question

Glottal Kisses,

Head Pro

Head Pro,

Gonna keep this one short and sweet.

I’m 24 and I met this older guy out at a bar two months ago (he’s 31).  We’ve been going out on dates once a week and talking everyday but I still haven’t met any of his friends besides the night we met.  We both live in the same city and some nights when we’re both out at different bars he doesn’t make plans to meet up until late night.  I haven’t slept with him yet so I feel like if he was just looking for a booty call he would just find someone else? But I also don’t know why he wouldn’t introduce me to anyone/try and get all of our friends in the same place.  I like him a lot but I don't feel like I should be this unsure after talking to him for this amount of time? Normally I can get a much better read on guys I'm dating.

Should I just take that as a sign he doesn’t like me that much?


Desperate for an Introduction

Dear It Would Have Been Shorter if You Didn’t Say You Were Keeping It Short,

Lotta possibilities here. My first thought is that it’s not about his friends so much that it’s about your friends. Like, to you he and his friends are just (ostensibly) cool people you’d like to hang around, and maybe a welcome change from your routine. To him, however, your friends may seem like a pack of BSCBs with whom he’s not confident he can (or wants to) keep up with. By my unscientific estimation, 24 is the point at which everyone older is “old,” the last time you can call yourself a “recent college graduate.” While I’m sure his friends are eager to meet this hot young thang he’s dating, they may also be giving him grief for hanging out with what, to them, amounts to a college student. Obviously this is all silly, but then again people in general are silly.

Remember, too, that the older people get, the less important shit like this is to them. For a 15 year old boy, he could be fucking Shay Mitchell or whoever, but if his friends told him she sucked, her body would be in a culvert by midnight. Getting friend approval, meeting the parents, etc., all of that shit is a BIG DEAL to people when they’re younger. But if this guy’s 31, he probably doesn’t give a shit about any of that, and it probably hasn’t occurred to him why you would. The older you get, the less meeting new people matters. If I could go the rest of my life without having to go through the rigamarole of meeting new people, that would be the tits.
If you want to meet his friends, just ask, because like I said it may not have even crossed his mind. You’ve been “dating” for two months, so it’s not an unreasonable or clingy request. What I’m more interested in is how you’ve endured a weekly, two-month, nonsexual relationship in the first place.

Geriatric Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

I'm studying abroad in London and have been hooking up with my club promoter for the past five weeks. I know what you're thinking but he's my age, studying computer engineering at a top London school, and has already created two pretty boss apps. Thus far he is sweet and a little shy around me.  Back to my question, the other night something weird happened that I wanted an explanation from you about. We took a picture together at this club where I had a pineapple in my hand filled with the drink he bought me. After we took the picture he told me randomly and specifically not to post it on Facebook because he wasn't supposed to be shown on social media "favoring guests," as the picture makes it look obvious that he bought me this drink with the huge fucking pineapple. Do you think this is legit because he's a club promoter and it IS his job to be fair to all his girls about drinks or does this sound really shady like he has some secret girlfriend he's trying to hide me from? What's your take on guys who say stuff like this about social media, is there a hidden agenda?


Ready to be ripped apart about hooking up with a promoter

Dear I Really Don’t Give A Shit Who You Fuck,

I’m always amazed by the lengths girls will go to in order to make themselves paranoid and/or preserve the narrative that guys are SCUMBAGS always up to no good. Like, he made a very specific request regarding one social media channel (Facebook, the exclusive domain of people over 40), and your go-to suspicion is that he has a secret girlfriend? Let’s consider some things about this guy:

1. He’s a club promoter, meaning he knows A LOT of people in the area, and a lot of people in the area know him
2. His job puts him in public constantly, among all of these people who it’s his job to be friends with
3. His job is to make guests feel special and like “VIPs” [wanking motion], which would be jeopardized by those kinds of pictures
4. He’s having sex with you which, given the above, is a known (or at least suspected) thing

So yeah, I’m thinking that social media would be the least of his concerns if he had some secret girlfriend he’s trying to hide you from. Chill the fuck out and just enjoy wasting your parents’ money for a semester. It’s not like you’ll ever see him again once you come back, anyway.

Buy 2 Get 1 Free Kisses,

Head Pro

Send Head Pro your questions about life, love and fucking club promoters to [email protected]




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