January 29, 2015
Every betch remembers the day when the majority of her friends had lost their virginities and so she decided that it was time to
sleepover at her boyfriends’ spend the night at her new BFF Jill’s house. “Maggie it’s so odd that I’ve never heard of Jill before, and you haven’t made a new friend since 5th grade, but now you’re always sleeping there?”
But, for a smart betch uninterested in starring in Teen Mom, she knew “sleeping over at Jill’s” wasn’t as simple as telling your Mom that you were sleeping over at Jill’s. First, you had to explain to your Mom that all of a sudden, you were having these really horrible cramps/non-visible acne breakouts and needed to go to the pediatrician ASAP. So weird that the first 4 years of your period were fine?
But every betch-in-training’s mom reacted differently to the legendary cramp story.
For betch’s who had not regular moms but cool moms, their moms were immediately onto (and questionably into) their game. All of a sudden, there were condoms next to the rubber bands and pens in the kitchen junk drawer. Then, one night after too many glasses of red wine, this betch’s mom announced during an otherwise anticlimactic family dinner: “Kids, if you’re going to have sex, at least don’t do the sexting. The Internet is for forever.” Then there was that one time that it snowed half an inch and the mom insisted that everyone at the ‘scary movie night’ sleep over because the roads were treacherous. “Stay in the basement boys! I’m just going to go take my Lunesta now.”
There were also the moms that pretended to be blissfully unaware of the whole situation. They asked zero questions about their daughter’s newfound period problems, but made the doctor’s appointment with a dear in headlights expression. That being said, it’s pretty insane how fast they could clear their calendar of Pilates to get you into the office within the next three hours.
Worst was the completely over-concerned helicopter mom. This was the mother that called your Mom who she barely knew to say: “Jessica made up an excuse to get on birth control and I googled what that means and it sounds like she may be thinking about becoming sexually active. Do you think your daughter does ‘it’ too?!” According to Facebook, Jessica is now a single mother of two.
Some betches, especially ones with a cool sister or ones that weren’t scared to go to Planned Parenthood, got the pills behind their mom’s back. These betches quickly learned that the only thing more awkward than putting tampons on the grocery list was not putting tampons on the grocery list due to the Seasonique pack hiding between their bedframe and mattress.
Regardless of the type of mom, betches usually found their excuses as a sufficiently less awkward way to not get pregnant and die. Unless of course their pediatrician was a total asshole and said, “You know, going on birth control is a really aggressive option to treat menstrual cramps. Lets try Advil first.”