May 7, 2013
For betches, the dating world can be a scary place. Between creepy guys who seem normal at first to funny guys who are secretly poor, it's sometimes hard to spot the keepers from the unfaithful Wall Street pros on our journey to love and #36 not doing work. But even scarier than the prospect of contracting an STD from your date is the potential for the silent relationship killer's dreaded arrival: Awkward Texting Dynamic (ATD).
The bro with ATD might even be normal in person but after less than week of talking to him via the written word you realize he's a pretty shitty texter. This will inevitably become a dealbreaker as he's fucked up your chief form of communication. Honestly, in many cases I'd prefer a guy have a crooked dick than consistently use the wrong form of "you're" in conversation. Let's break down the ways that a guy can fuck up his prospects with you via his ATD.
In an attempt by both of you to show off how clever and insightful you are, you both are trying to one up each other with sarcastic comments ranging from the weather to the reasons why Riff Raff is really overrated. Eventually the need to consistently one-up each other leads to such an intense breakdown of the conversation that you eventually have no idea what the fuck this guy is talking about.
Him: Well I'd meet you at that bar but I'm pretty sure they won't let in people with as amazing a haircut as mine
You: Haha well you can try giving the bouncer one of your famous hugs
Him: But really, should we put all our eggs in one basket?
At this point, no one knows what the fuck is going on. Is this bro coming to meet you or not? Should you answer this weird text or hope he follows up clarifying what his actual plan is. Too much sarcasm spoils the broth.
This happens when a guy responds so awkwardly to a seemingly easy enough text that you're not sure if he doesn't give a shit or if he's just making a bad joke.
You: Kk have a good night
Him: Haha 'good'
At this point you're thinking like what the fuck does THAT mean. Fucking asshole. This weirdness almost forces you to ask him to clarify which under normal circumstances you'd never actually do. Or you can obvi play the higher card and simply ignore.
You: Good thing I always wake up early on Sundays after drinking
Him: Haha really? Usually I sleep forever!
At this point you're not sure if you should just go with it or do the even more awkward thing and clarify what you're talking about. One things for sure, if he can't get your snarky mean spirited texts he'll never get you.
This guy has been up your ass about asking how your day is going and what you got your mom for mother's day for like 48 hours straight. Then suddenly, after asking you what your plans are for Blackout Wednesday he drops off the face of the fucking planet. You've just about written this guy off as dead to you when out of nowhere you get a "happy Friday!" text at noon two days later. Where the fuck have you been bro?
Him: "hey whatr u up 2 latr?"
Ugh, while some people can be desperate enough to write this one off as the guy being simply too cool to even give a shit that his spelling and grammar is as good as as a first semester ESL student, most betches will write this laziness off as a deal breaker. If you can't be bothered to write all the letters contained in the word 'later' there's no shot you're going to put any thought into my birthday gift.
You: How's your Saturday going? Still hungover?
Him: Nope! Just walking my dog around the park! He loves playing with the other puppies! So excited for brunch later!!!!! :) ;)
This guy tells you about his upcoming Saturday dentist appointment with more enthusiasm than a make-a-wish kid at Disney World. His over-enthusiasm to see you is nothing short of uncomfortable. Chill the fuck out bro, I can guarantee your fucking dog taking a shit is not that exciting. If I wanted to hang out with an overeager twelve year old girl I'd go to a Justin Bieber concert.
On the other end of the spectrum lies the bro who's too cool for school. On the one hand you're impressed that this bro has cooler things to do than try to see you at your earliest possible convenience but on the other hand you can't be sure if he's too fucking lazy to be worth your time. This is the guy that asks you to hang out with two hours notice and who makes his plans with you seem about as casual as brushing his teeth. Like, put some effort in if you want to see me, asshole. This is a date with ME you're planning, not lunch at the Cheesecake Factory; one more cancellation and you're fucking blacklisted.
So remember, texting is an art if a bro sucks at it, it will be a sign of huge frustrations for months to come. Hugh Hefner has fifteen girlfriends for a reason and that reason is probably is that he's too old to use a fucking iphone.