March 10, 2015
The After the Final Rose ceremony was boring as fuck compared to last year’s gold with Juan Pablo’s refusal to say “I love you” to Nikki. Instead we had to watch Chris pretend to be thrilled with his choice of Whitney despite the fact that he seemed more excited to see Jimmy Kimmel than his fiancée in hiding.
Anyway, Becca won hard, Whitney was more excited than a ninth grader that just discovered adderall, and Chris Harrison pissed us all off by not automatically choosing Kaitlyn to be the next Bachelorette. Let’s break it down.
Chris Harrison: Does he still want Becca? Will he marry Whitney? Did his pants get any shorter?
Chris Harrison: Did you have any regrets before?
::Becca comes out::
Chris Soules: I do now.
Becca comes out looking hot and somehow skinnier than she was on the show. Chris totally checks her out before mumbling the rest of his incoherent nonsense. The idea of forming full sentences is literally making Chris break out into a sweat.
Chris Harrison: What if Becca had actually liked you? Would that have made things change?
Chris Soules: Um probs but I’m not really supposed to say that.
Holy cow is Whitney's only curse word. The south is truly a different world. Becca totally DGAFs this is great. Seriously I don’t think there has ever been a runner up that wasn’t chosen that didn’t burst into tears. She’s more chill with this situation than a barred out betch watching Broad City.
Chis H: Is it frustrating to hear that Becca will never ever ever love you?
Chris H: Becca, did this change you?
Becca: Yeah well now I know I def don’t want to live in Iowa.
Becca then leaves and Chris H. has a minute alone with Chris S:
Chris: We brought out Becca how tough was that for you?
Chris S: Tough.
Ah, here comes Whitney, the back burner bitch. Can someone get Whitney an inhaler because she’s about to have heart palpitations she’s so fucking excited. She walks onto the stage like she just blew an eight ball.
Whitney is totally delusional enough to only watch her dates with Chris. No wonder she’s so in love, she hasn’t seen the footage of Chris basically telling Becca he’d sell his family for her.
Chris: I spoke to the producers and I told them to find someone who is exactly like my sisters. – THAT IS SO FUCKING CREEPY Whitney is marrying into some seriously incestuous shit.
No paparazzi are going to come to Arlington so they're super lucky.
Chris H: What is it about Whitney that made you fall in love and propose?
Chris S: Well Chris, as you clearly saw on the show she was the only one left who really wanted to be with me and who also showered regularly.
Chris’ parents walked across town to greet them at the proposal aka half a mile. If a high school football game is the highlight of their Friday nights the barn proposal must have been their version of Spring Break.
I’m OBSESSED with Ashley S. she is literally so pretty but so fucking weird. It's confusing.
This episode is so boring that they had to bring Jimmy Kimmel and a cow to make this shit even semi interesting. Then they call the cow Juan Pablo and continue to make fun of him despite the fact that this a year old joke. They’re really riding off that season’s drama.
Jimmy: Bottom line though Becca wasn’t into you. - That’s sort of fucked up to say in front of Whitney mostly because it’s true.
Chris got excited he thought maybe there was a chance he could trade in Whitney for the new cow. Chris of course comes over to the cow and pets it while checking its utters. "I could get serious milk out of this baby.” I wonder if he thought the same thing about Whitney.
I’m really confused about Bachelorette…the guys pick night one then what? I don’t think they explained this well at all. It’s almost as if Chris Harrison had the verbal skills of…Chris Soules.
The girls then come out in sequined dresses and give their feelings about #2bachelorettes
Britt: This is an amazing opportunity, I’m so grateful, I can finally move out of my car.
Kaitlyn wants to kill Britt she’s like this bitch is stealing my thunder ay.
Kaitlyn upon hearing she’s sharing the stage with Britt: Well that’s not ideal. This of course is a euphemism for “I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO SHARE THE STAGE WITH THIS FAKE UNHYGIENIC WAITRESS."
The former contestants including Ashley, Des, Andi, and Catherine all took to Twitter to declare how pissed they were that the Bachelor was pulling this anti-feminist move. Resident idiot Des Hartsock tweeted about how angry she was that the show was pitting women against each other before hashtagging #TEAMKAITLYN thus totally invalidating her point.