January 1, 2012
So tonight starts another riveting season of The Bachelor. We hope you're as excited as we are for all the judgment and #1 shit talking talking that's about to ensue as soon as #33 nice guy Ben Flajnik starts turning the tables and making girls cry.
So we know that Ben's a #62 pro winemaker and since that's like as close as any true betch would get to marrying a drug dealer, we'll let it slide that he kind of looks like the child that would result if Rafael Nadal fucked his mother. We'll be introduced to the 25 lovely
ladies fame whores with diverse names like Lyndsie and Lindzi who we're sure will make this an epic season.
And is it just us or is there always a dental hygienist on this show? Apparently the dentistry profession is full of girls who are TGF and bitches who can't get married.
But since bros get their boring fantasy sports leagues and March Madness brackets, why should betches be deprived of all the fun? With that we introduce to you The Bachelor Elimination League.
Now to play this game it requires that you 1) aren't a spoiler reading cheater and 2) have friends. If either of these requirements can't be fulfilled I'm sorry but you just can't sit with us.
Here's how the game works. For the more competitive betches, you might want to put money in to make things more interesting. For the dumb betches, you might want to read this carefully.
1. Take a look at this seasons night 1 contestants and pick one that you think will NOT be eliminated. If your girl gets a rose at the end of the night, you're still in the game, and if she doesn't you're out. Here's the thing. You can't choose the same girl for more than one round so you might want to save the one that you know will definitely make it to the top five for later rounds.
2. Each week (within 48 hours of the shows ending) you must submit your choice before the episode begins, preferably to the girl in your bestie group that wants to be the organizer, aka anal betch. She's the one who will have already made a google doc of the bracket before you had the chance to suggest she make one. You are picking who you think is safe through the following weeks elimination. Then every Thursday you will receive a spreadsheet of everyone's names and picks and be able to see who was eliminated and who is still left.
3. Again you can only pick a girl ONCE. The only exception to this rule is if we get down to say 5 girls and you have already picked all 5 of those girls. Then you are able to chose a girl for the second time. This is where strategy comes into play.
So take a look at the bachelorettes today and try and weed out the fuglies, the needy losers, and the alcoholics:
Personally, we're rooting for Sheryl, and it's not just because she's old as fuck. It's also because she reminds us of our elementary school music teacher from the 90s.
If this all seems like too much work for you, you can revert to the bachelor drinking game where you take a shot every time someone mentions being 'here for the right reasons' or Ben says that this is 'the hardest decision he's had to make yet'.
Of course, we'll be doing our own weekly recaps so stay tuned for us to make fun of the bachelorettes and make up diverse and creative #9 nicknames for Bachelor Ben.
May the most manipulative, least desperate, and skinniest betch win. Let the games begin.