The Bachelor Recap

By The Betches

Season 16, Episode 4

So between the Midwestern horseback rides and the excessive crying, last night's Bachelor episode presented us with a literal Trail of Tears. We found it fitting that a show where one man is simultaneously dating like, 15 women was being filmed in Utah. We also enjoyed The Canyons resort placement just in time for Sundance. Way to reel in the endorsements, ABC.

Anyway, putting away the fact that this episode was filmed in one of the least romantic states in the nation, Ben really mastered that Brokeback Mountain horseback rider look thing. Only instead of a hot Jake Gyllenhaal riding up on a horse it was more like a WASPy Chewbacca.

Thankfully Chris B. Harrison provided the girls with some necessary dating advice: Use your time wisely when you're alone with ben. Don't talk about the weather, show a little tit.

Anyway, onto the games. If you're in it for the drinking, we suggest you take a shot every time someone says "I think [insert location] would be the perfect place to fall in love or any combination of the following: "Ben and I have a connection" / "I'm definitely falling for Ben" / "I want that rose really badly". If you're by some miracle still sober after this, feel free to drink every time Courtney touches her hair or smells her rose. Vom.

scott disick"I wish I knew how to quit you"

Finally, our pick for next week is Jennifer, as we think this timid redhead will manage to be chill enough to last at least one more episode. Sorry to say she is just not pretty enough to win.



Welcome to Delusional Daterville, population: you.

"I don't want to see him in a helicopter with another girl." - HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN THE SHOW BEFORE? These things tends to happen.

How many times are you going to say that it's very hard to share Ben with others? - STAGE 5 alert

...We shadily think that Kasey B and Ben would make a great couple. They're both pretty lame and only moderately attractive.

Ugh are you really asking the "Who has learned more about themselves question?" to the group. What are you, a fucking camp counselor?


You really like his little wink? We think it makes him look challenged.

"I think Rachel's harder to crack than the other girls. Why isn't she throwing herself at me like the other 'that's a beaver dam' line has never failed before!?"

The thing that's 'off' about Rachel that Ben can't seem to put his finger on is the fact that she's not kissing his ass like everyone else. She has that 'I don't give a fuck' vibe that Ben is clearly too much of a #33 nice guy to appreciate.

God Rachel ask him a question for fuck sake. Have you ever been on a date? You ask a question, you don't really listen to the answer, then talk about yourself.

"Sometimes I'm bad at communicating but sometimes I'm like, not that bad at communicating"


How was Monica still even here anyway? Is it just us or did she never even talk to Ben?

Really Monica? Flats to a cocktail party? Ohhhh now the whole make out sesh with Blakeley makes sense.

Why are you crying over being sent home? In the first episode you nearly sent Jenna into a psychotic meltdown by saying that you weren't even into Ben.


"I think Kasey B is cute and sweet and kind of annoying" - okay fine you're a psycho but we kind of agree

"I love spending time with Courtney she just gets it - Two minutes later this is followed by the most earth shattering profound exchange ever had... "mustard's my favorite condiment" ... "ohhh you like Dijon?" We always knew Ben was a foodie.

Of course Courtney caught a fish - she's clearly good at reeling people in and then sucking the fucking life out of them.

Ugh seriously you're going to give Courtney the date rose? Ben you're such a fucking loser. JP is probably turned off by Ashley just watching this shit and knowing that she let Ben get that far.

Courtney is going to fucking kill Emily. She is one #7 BSCB we wouldn't want to fuck with just because she might stab you in your sleep.

If we could send someone home tonight it would be Courtney's mouth. It's more annoying than Jenna and her stupid pathetic blog, or like, Vienna's eyes.

Say winning ONE more time. We dare you.

scott disickThis is just extremely creepy



Ben: Group dates for me are a good way to have like 10 women all trying to fuck me. I find them quite scintillating. I'm wondering if you can continue to hang and be a part of this?

Samantha demonstrates the lesson that if you're honest you're going to get fucked. There's no room for being straightforward in the bachelor elimination league. See ya.


Ben just wants to find out if the curtains match the drapes.

This crater jump is a little too 127 hours for our taste.

Jennifer's def thinking "Fuck I hope I'm not too fat for this."

Ben: "Relationships are all about trust and diving into the unknown." SINCE WHEN IS THAT WHAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE ALL ABOUT?

"It makes me feel special that Ben would put this together for me." IT'S NOT BEN IT'S ABC. Get a clue.

Jen and Ben are like some creepy Mormon Utah couple. We feel like he'd marry her if he could have another hotter wife.

Ben's test of women: make them do shit that's scary as fuck as then make subtle ultimatums like "if so and so can't handle this challenge, who knows if she can handle anything like a relationship." This gets them to try and prove themselves as "game for anything" and when they succeed it automatically means that Ben will grant them the obligatory "this could be the start of something big."


Oh apparently Blakeley is a hair stylist. Would you really want the bitch from Mars Attacks to casually do your highlights?


The girl who tries to warn the Bachelor about the psychos never wins. Does no one watch this show?

Why would you talk shit about Courtney to her only friend? You clearly don't know how to be a manipulative betch.

It also doesn't help Emily's case that she kind of looks like shit tonight.


Casey S. is such a Karen Smith. "She thinks that you are mean and she says everybody hates you...but she told me not to tell you..."

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