February 7, 2012
So this week on the Bachelor, everyone flew to the third world country of Panama, where it turns out, the canal was overrated. Luckily American network television was able to export some of its surplus tears so a lot of super exciting shit went down. On the bright side, we all got to witness a significant moment in Bachelor history, as this is definitely the first time a bachelor was able to say, "well that was the easiest decision I've ever had to make."
On another note, how awks do you think it was for the ABC producers to pitch this group date thing to the native tribal Panama clan? Like how hard do you think it was for them to understand that all these pretty girls were competing for someone who looks like the reincarnation of Alanis Morissette as a little boy?
And yet again, Ben fails to see what a raging sociopath Courtney is. We could almost hear Patti Sanger screaming, "Stop thinking with your penis bachelor Ben! But anyway, let the games begin.
This week's drinking game: take a shot every time cunty Courtney brings up skinny-dipping
Oh and our pick for next week is Kacie B, because an eating disorder will get you sympathy, but not THAT much sympathy.
Date with Kacie B.
"We'll have this island all to ourselves, it'll just be me, Ben, and this 10 person camera crew." - Face it, Kacie B is terrified to be on the island due to the fact that her natural hair is a rat's nest.
"I really see this adventure on a deserted island as a test for our relationship..like if we can manage to overcome obstacles such as opening up a coconut together with a knife given to us by the props assistant, I'm nearly certain our marriage will stand the test of time"
I had an eating disorder in year 8! That's why my breasts aren't bigger!
In all seriousness though, let's talk about the eating disorder. Really Kacie, you're going to pull the I had an eating disorder so you have to give me the rose or I'll start throwing up again" card? Good move. Works every time.
"My eating disorder has made me who I am today..if it weren't for that year I spent as an ano/bulimic, I never would've had the self-esteem to end up here, with you competing with 20 other people for you to be my boyfriend"
How much tit does a girl have to show around here to get a one on one date? Seriously I will fuck every one of these tribal kids for a rose.
Ben hasn't had this much fun doing tribal artwork since he got a hand job in the art shack at camp.
We were so happy when he stood her up. We would have given anything to have been the camera guy filming Courtney waiting pathetically alone in her hotel room for Ben.
"I don't believe in fighting." Fighting is not a belief. It's a manipulation tactic, idiot.
On the group date, Jamie says: "the fact that Ben's such a man's man, he drives this loooong freakin boat, and it totally doesn't suggest that he's trying to compensate for anything." Yeah, Ben's like Columbus, if Columbus were a lame looking chimpanzee whose idea of fun was doing work and not enslaving people.
About the kissing lesson scene:
"I have a really big surprise for you.... it's my giant cock!"
Is Jamie narrating this kiss and saying after we feel each other up, we're going to open our mouths"? You're scared of love? We're scared of what you do in bed if that's how you narrate a kiss?
Jamie if you hadn't done that weird ass shit, you could have at least left with dignity, and hooked up with someone at the post bach parties. Now you're just that creeper who gives kissing instructions.
The joke about the other man well played. For a few seconds we were having heart palpitations that you were about to talk about Courtney again.
Also why apologize to Courtney? You can't apologize to a psycho. They don't let shit go.
Blakely is ecstatic about the 2 on 1 date. Yes! A three way! We do these all the time in the VIP room!
You don't have to be a dating therapist to see that Blakeley and Ben are not a perfect match. They're less compatible than Tom Hanks and a fucking volleyball.
"Dancing salsa is very sexual but that's ok because it's what I do for work...shit I mean...who I am"
OMG the scrapbook is straight out of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Benny Booo booo booo!! You seriously made a scrap book!? Desperate loser! That totally sealed the deal. We'd be creeped out too.
If you're not sure what we mean when we say a girl is #57 TGF, Blakeley embodies this in ideal form.
Ah that blue dress was a poor choice. You look much larger than Ben.
She can do SO MUCH BETTER than Ben even though she looks like shit when she cries. We would've expected better. She also makes really bizarre crying noises.
"I just don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to get married... I want to be with someone like you who [quickly tries to think of one quality she likes about him]...wants to get married."
Chris B. Harrison
"You don't want to be in love with Michael, but you are. Thanks for pulling a Dr. Phil, Chris B Harrison.
Is it weird that we'd totally rather fuck Chris than bachelor Ben?
Who gives a shit about Casey S's emotional breakdown of the night, we've got a cocktail party to get ready for!!
He's so full of wisdom, like a hot Dumbledore.