Bachelor Recap: Horny in the Hometowns

By The Betches

Here we are again recapping yet another riveting episode of The Bachelor where Ben declares his decisions are the most difficult he's ever had to make as he proclaims that "especially this week, meeting your families, making the decisions, you know, the really difficult ones, even that much more personal, and well difficult." I could like bet anything, even my absurdly overpriced bikini wax, that is the same speech delivered every season, probs verbatim.

For some reason, this episode was boring as fuck and we kind of zoned out for a big part of it. I mean, meeting your own boyfriend's parents is boring, not quite sure why we have to be forced to meet parents from bumblefuck, middle of nowhere.

But there was something new that happened this episode, Courtney became sort of kind of moderately normal! We're not sure if she was finally able to refill her Klonopin Rx or her sister shot her with a sleeper dart, but she was completely subdued, and not a total psycho. That is..until she pulled out the rings.

What else did we learn this episode? Oh yeah, Ben's a total pussy. He was so scared of Kacie B's parents that he chose to get rid of the one girl we actually saw him with. It's not her fault she was grounded and/or beaten for 80% of her childhood! We couldn't decide what would happen faster, Ben running out of Kacie's house or the return of Kacie's bulimia post being voted off. I guess we'll find out on 'After the Final Rose!" Shit, we love the Bachelor.

lindzi and benNow kiss the horse, Ben!!



Also known as, The Horse Whisperer. Seriously, why are you always riding in on fucking horses. Do you realize what show you're on? It's not HBO's new boring show that will probably win some Emmy's because no one understands what's going called Luck, it's the Bachelor. Get a fucking car.

Wait, you rode horses before you walked? Your parents seem a little irresponsible putting an infant on a big ass animal. Then again, these are the same methed-out freaks who named you Lindzi with a ZI.

Oh and apparently the same ones who find it fun racing horse-buggies. See this chariot?...$25,000"

Ahhhh, so this is what bumble fuck Florida is like. They should give Vienna a call.

Does no one find it weird that she dated a guy for two years, lived with him, and got dumped via text. Like, is this not a huge RED FLAG!? Ben should um, find out what happened.

We don't understand how Lindzi is falling in love Ben, they've spoken a total of 25 words during this entire date, 24 of which were "horse" and the 25th being "vulnerable." Vulnerable is a big word for me, so is imbecile.

Kacie B

Betch 3 missed the entire Kacie B sequence because of a condition where she voms at the sight of marching bands.

You really know how to keep a guy wanting more"my dad's a probation officer, he doesn't drink. we're in the bible belt, Ben!" I mean, I would run.

Ben's probably like, shit her dad doesn't drink? So much for getting blackout to get me through this Bible freaks hometown date. We almost like Ben more now that we know drinking is such a huge deal breaker. We feel you man but he should have at least told Kacie why he dumped her. Listen Kacie B, you're mad chill and shit, but your dad reminds me of Kathy Bates in Misery.

I love how Kacie's idea of rebellion is going on the Bachelor. Bulimia didn't get me any attention, time to date a guy on national TV!

You'd think that Kacie would want to do her hair for her own hometown date.


Upon seeing Nicki's mom Ben's like oh shit is this what Nicki's going to look like in 20 years eek

Nicki's parents must have known there was at least a 50% chance she'd wind up on the bachelor after all she's a dental hygienist.

Awww her brother with his little smile, prob hoping this episode gets him laid.

kacieThis picture actually makes my life.

"Finding the right boot is very similar to finding the right partner" Really bachelor contestants, it's almost the season finale, you'd think they'd run out of retarded metaphors already. Are they ever like, Finding the right sock that's one size fits all is kind of like finding the right man, wait no that can't be right.



Obviously Courtney has only dated guys who treated her like shit, that's why she's been so successful in manipulating Ben.

I love that Courtney titled her vows as 'VOWS' where she wrote a few lines from a scene in Sex and the City combined with lyrics from a Ne-Yo song. Tonight, I want all of you, tonight. Whatevs, What better way to get Ben to reflect on all your amazing qualities than to force him to write them down.

Where'd this priest come from? Did Court call Nicki Minaj's guy?

It would be amazing if this was Courtney's evil way of getting him to marry "ohhhh Ben sorry, you can't propose to the other girls, we're already hitched."

"Performing this fake wedding is like me getting over skydiving".AGAIN? Everyone on this show is horrible at analogies. Is there a relationship analogy quota these people need to fill before the episode gets aired?





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