Last night’s episode of the Bachelor was really just too good. It’s just like, Ben is so hot. Like the kind of hot where you don’t realize this has been your face for the past two hours:
But besides that, so much amazing shit happened. Lace continued to be a total maniac (to our amusement of course). Ben showed us his freak side by taking a bunch of blondes on a date and sniffing all of their assholes. And Olivia introduced the world to her mouth.
Overheard before the date:
"After meeting Ben for the first time last night, I just know he’d be the best husband"
“Ben is the most perfect guy on the planet in the world”
“If Ben wanted to do anal on the first date, I’d do it.”
JK that one didn’t happen but you didn’t not believe it.
When Bachelor-watching-couch-women saw Ben’s bulge during his mini shower scene:
Okay so first date is at a high school because ben LOVES high schoool. WTF Ben what is your fixation with HS?
“High school is where I have some of my finest memories. First kiss, athletics, my mom picking me up everyday.”
Lace wasn’t good at school, shocking.
Chris Harrison: The first team to make Ben’s dick get hard moves on to the next round!
Ben on the apple picking contest: One of the most attractive things about this date is watching these girls sorta make out.
Chris Harrison: Okay girls, now find Indiana and put it on a map.
Ben: ::laughing hysterically::
Watching these women try to figure out geography is amazing. “Is Indiana a carb?”
TBH Indiana is a flyover state and no one gives a shit what shape it is.
Now for the finale. So just confirming the theme here: If Mandi can run the 100 meter race faster than Amber then she is definitely wife material. Got it, okay good.
Mandi-Long-Legs beats Amber in the hurdle race. I meannnn as a former track star, those hurdles were for tiny midgets soooo that’s embarrassing Amber honey.
Since Becca’s wit didn’t get her to the basketball round of the date, she decided to show of her moves during the after date. Plus 8996 points.
OOoohhh first kiss by Jennifer. Don’t know who you are but nice.
Lace, when she hears Jennifer kissed Ben: Where is my knife I’m about to cut a bitch.
Then Lace get’s interrupted by someone else…
Lace: This is NOT FINISHED. BEN SHALL BE MINE!
Lace: I'm upset that Ben didn’t get to know the real Lace, the one who constantly refers to herself in the third person.
Ben to Lace: Yo I gotta hear more about your Denver experiences.
Later, Lace to everyone else: OMG WE HAD A LOVE CONNECTION!!!
Anyone else notice that this is literally every single conversation that happens on this show?
Woman: I’m so excited to get to know you
Ben: I know me too I can’t wait to learn who you are
Woman: Same. You seem like really interesting to get to know.
… And then don’t actually talk about anything.
Meanwhile, back at the house:
Just when we made the comment about empty conversations, Jubilee brings up her childhood. Honestly Jubs, it’s a little early to pull the poor orphan card. That’s some week 4 shit right there.
Jojo (after getting kissed on the roof): I’ve never in my life felt this happy before. - wowwwww someone needs to get out more.
Kevin Hart and Ice Cube walk into the living room filled with the girls in shorts and crop tops: YOOO fuck this date, can we chill here?
I’m not really sure Ride Along, featuring one of the lead guys of NWA, is the Bachelor viewers' demo but I guess whatever. Seeing Ben standing next to Kevin Hart was worth it.
Mini me you complete me
Women watching on their couches: What is an Iced Cube?
First they stop on the road to buy flowers from a homeless guy. Then they stop at a liquor store. They gonna pick up a prostitute next? Anything to use the HOV lane...
Ben to Ice Cube: It’s morning time… so not trying to buy liquor or condoms. Usually in the morning my mom just makes me happy face pancakes and then packs my backpack.
Ben to Caila: What’s your favorite color? -- Wow, the chemistry is unreal!
Wait, YELLOW!? Ugh. Bitch prob loves the Wizard of Oz.
After their really romantic date at a hot tub rental store, the two get rewarded with dinner at like a local pizza place with a B health rating.
Ben: What are you looking for in a guy?
Caila: Really just someone who complements me.
Caila: Yeah just like someone who can tell me I’m hot 2-7 times a day.
Amos Lee is cute and all but like, his song is featured in Toy Story further proving Ben is like, 5 years old.
Ooo Ben, so romantic. “It might be nice if data could lead me to my match.”
The “Doctor” who was most likely hired off Craigslist: Now Ben, you will smell all of the girls. No not their neck, lower… tee hehehe.
The Russian is worried about smelling like cabbage. But she hasn’t had borscht in like, 2 weeks!
Ben: She smells flowery, she smells fruity, and this one smells like a giant doodie.
Next is the heat test:
The “Doctor:” Please lie back on the bed. Now enter her. - Is this The Bachelor or Masters of Sex?
Olivia def thinks she looks like Cameron Diaz
What if you suddenly saw his dick rise on the heat monitor?
Well that was fucking stupid, they needed doctors to tell everyone that he thought Olivia was hot and that Samantha looked like a Chihuahua?
It was really fucking awkward though that they're like sorry Sam, but Ben hates you. You can go shave your back now.
"Olivia's the weeeerrrsst" - Amanda
Ben on second chances: Can I smell you again ?
Ben: Yeah nope still smells like shit
Amanda: I have 2 little kids, does that scare you?
Ben: Kids don’t scare me. Lace scares me.
And Olivia gets the date rose, further confirming that all men think with their dicks.
Observations about Olivia:
- Def here to be the Bachelorette
- Def a huge bitch IRL
Lace: I know I’m coming off really crazy right
Ben: Ummm yaaaaaa
Lace: I was really dorky looking as a kid.
Ben: Oh that’s great I don’t care at all.
Lace, this is the Bachelor. Sorry but your weird haircut in 4th grade isn’t going to compete with Jubilee’s adoption or Amanda’s kids.
Amanda is like the type-B personality version of Michelle Money.
Ben: Here are some hair things I bought at Michael’s for 20 cents.
Amanda: ::starts bawling::
When Amanda puts the hair bow on his hair a collective AWWWW is heard from all the couches around the world.
Hold on. LB isn’t Lauren B? I am so confused.
Anyway LB leaves. Peace. Now finally we can call Lauren B. just Lauren!
Oh no wait there’s still a Lauren H. Fuck. Lauren H. looks just like Laura Derns, whose name sounds just like Lauren. I am too high for this.
Ben pronounces Shushanna like “shoe shiner.” Just fell off my couch laughing. Ben, just because she’s Eastern European, doesn’t mean she’s like a fucking shoe cobbler.
Ah and sour smelling Samantha gets sent home. Poor girl. The only one who's an attorney is the one who goes home… meanwhile occupation "twin" gets to stick around.
A rosé ceremony is definitely something we can get behind. We've created the PERFECT tank for you bachelor parties, Monday nights dedicated to TV, or shrine to cute AF Ben (We don't know your life). Only at Shop Betches.