The Best Bachelor Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 8

By The Betches

Last night’s hometown dates were nothing less than a circus. If Ben’s decision was hard before this episode, it definitely got a lot easier after last night’s shit show. Think about it. Amanda has two very small children, JoJo’s family is like the Sopranos of Texas, and Caila’s creepy family probably sacrifices baby goats in their backyard. We can probably end the season now.

Date with Amanda

Ben shows up on the date in the tightest and shortest shorts to the beach. He was prob like, “I’m getting my legs tan today, I don’t care!”

Ben: What are your kids like?
Amanda: My youngest is sweet …but my oldest is a huge biotch.

Who just dropped these kids off? An Uber driver? How did the little girl know she was there to meet Ben? Did a producer brief them on the fact that they're about to meet a random bro who they should pretend they want to be their dad, only to have him disappear a few hours later? 

Ben is really good at talking to young kids. “You both look beautiful. Nice to meet you. I’ve heard great things. Who do you think is going to win the Republican primary?”

::Charlie ignoring Ben for 2 hours::
Ben: Today was so natural!

Amanda’s dad: How were the kids?
Ben: TBH, a little annoying.

Ben: I’m not used to having kids in my life because I myself was a kid last week.

Why is Charlie crying so much? It’s almost like she doesn't appreciate having a whole TV camera crew in her face for an entire day!

Date with Lauren B. (Why are we still calling her Lauren B.?)

Lauren: Meet my mom, dad, brother, sister, and half-dead dog, Tessa.

Can Lauren’s dad please not call her his “Baby Lolo"? We get that you are identical but that just sounds like a porn star name.

Lauren: I can sit in a room with Ben and feel more content than I would ever feel in my entire life. —LOSER, you just set women back a solid 30 years

Lauren’s sister: What makes my sister stand out?

Ben: (SHIT can’t think of anything …think Ben, think!...) Uhhh I have no words...(starts hysterically crying)

Wow Lauren B really knows WTF she was doing. First she feeds Ben, makes him pay like 4 dollars for lunch, then brings him to a whiskey bar, and before he leaves, makes out with him for a solid 3 minutes. No wonder Ben can’t stop fucking crying about how much he likes her.

Date with Caila aka The Shining

Caila’s taking Ben on an exciting date to...this bench.

After the thrilling bench time, Caila takes Ben to her dad’s toy factory... RED FLAG #1.

Side note: imagine if Ben’s arm got cut off in the toy factory machine.

“Building a toy home with Caila would be just like building a real home with Caila."


Caila’s dad going on about his deep love for brace face in his bright orange pants and the Filipino community… RED FLAG #2.

Tila Tequila Mom: Caila has very high standards… she just hasn’t found her equivalent yet… until now. RED FLAG #3 …RUN BEN RUN.

Mom: What sparked your interest in Caila?
Ben: She’s cool

Caila: I know he's the one
Mom: Ok

"The fact that my mom told me that Ben might love me makes me feel great" —Caila

Date with JoJo

Perfect timing from this ex-boyfriend! Which producer bribed him to do that?

Chad was just reading off song lyrics on his call with JoJo… “Since you been gone… I wanna know what love is.”

Ben is like a therapist: Well thank you for making the phone call, JoJo!!

This was actually the date from Hell. First the family greets JoJo by mauling her while making really fucking weird noises. Then we realize one of the brothers is really hot and from another dating show, Ready for Love. Then the brothers have a talk with Ben while he is DEFINITELY shitting his pants. Then JoJo has a conversation with her barred-out mother about how she’s scared he’s gonna break her heart to which she responds “naaaaoooooooooo Joelle, you ahhh beautiful. Who is Ben again?”

Then everyone but JoJo was in the kitchen having a family discussion and told Ben that HE is there for the wrong reasons!!!!

Sidenote: JoJo’s house is nicer than the Bachelor house.

Then the mom drinks champagne out of the bottle. Which was amazing.


Then JoJo’s brother is like… "JoJo, I’m gonna put this in perspective. You've only been on 2 dates with this guy" ….Has anyone seen The Bachelor before!?

Then Ben is like, "I gotta get the fuck out of here" and runs out of the house as fast as possible. So fast he left his white sweater at the house.

Rose Ceremony

Wow. After meeting the horror shows that were Caila’s and JoJo’s families, he STILL dumped the lovely girl with the cute little kids. Ugh, men.

Amanda was so right though. Like he should have totally dumped her at her house and not sent her back to LA.

Stop crying Ben. You didn’t get dumped.

Amanda’s life sucks right now, she’s like never going to have that long of a vacation ever again.

Don't want your love life to be as much of a train wreck as Amanda's probs is right now? Buy our new book: I Had a Nice Time (And Other Lies): How to Find Love & Shit Like That





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