The Best Bachelor Recap You'll Ever Read: The Finale

By The Betches

According to Chris Harrison, last night’s Bachelor Finale ended with the most dramatic conclusion ever. I guess that's true if you think it's dramatic that Chris reluctantly proposed to his Back Burner Bitch. The only other possible drama that we could think of was Becca out-chic’ing Whitney by a mile with her velvet get up. Other than that, it was prob as dramatic as a PTA meeting.

On the Soules’ fam we got to meet Chris’ dad, Chris' mom who may be a distant relative to the Grandmother Tree from Pocahantas, as well as Chris’ other important miscellaneous family members. We were also reacquainted with the Sisterhood of the Traveling Farmers who were ready to adopt Whitney as their own even if Chris didn’t propose. Whatevs, the more to shuck corn, the merrier.

TBH, the episode was kind of hard to watch - nay - listen to. Chris spent the entire time squirming during all conversations because he didn’t know what to say. He prob thought if the cows can moo to make a point, so can I. Whitney on the other hand didn’t have trouble talking as she managed to speak more words than everyone in this entire season. COMBINED. Meanwhile, Becca insightfully answered the tough relationship questions with responses like, I don’t know, I just don’t know, and I REALLY REALLY don’t know.

Whitney meets the fam

Before anyone shows up, Chris eloquently explains what it is about the two women he likes:
Chris’ fam: What do you like about Whitney and Becca?
Chris: Whitney is totally awesome. Real groovy. But Becca… Becca is so cool yo.

But really, Chris actually says “I’m attracted to Whitney because she told me she loves me.” Which is always the reason you want someone to marry you.

Then he goes on to say how he is entirely torn between the girls, which is probably the WORST thing any girl wants to hear. Like you could choose me but you could also choose her? Pick me, love me, choose me, you fucker.

Side Note #1: Da fuq is Dubuque? I mean I get that it’s a city in Iowa that has a hotel, but we had a lot of fun pronouncing it at our Bach viewing partay.

Whitney finally shows up to the farm dressed like she’s ready to start milking the first cow she sees. If there are two things this girl knows how to do, it's annoy the shit out of us and meet the parents.

WHOA too much for a first toast, girl. Tone it down a notch. Sure you brought the dad and the rest of the Soules clan to tears but like…

Chris’ Mom: What do you love about my son?
Whitney: Big dick.

Whitney’s conversation with Chris’ sisters is what we imagine Whitney’s college interviews were like. I would do anything to be accepted into this college family. I can’t wait to call myself your student daughter. Please accept me!

Whitney: He makes me feel like the only girl in the world. — That’s awk cus you ain’t.

Okay we have a plan. How about Chris marries Becca but Chris’ mom adopts Whitney. Everyone’s happy!

Chris then has a very serious convo with his dad and brothers (?) in the tool shed in which his brother (?) wisely says, "are you sure you think you like Becca more because you can’t have her?" To which Chris responds, “DUH."

Chris describes Whitney like ordering a diner dinner special. “Whitney is really an incredible choice. I’m going to go with my gut on this and pick her. And yeah I’ll get the side of mashed potatoes.”

On another note, is Sister Brienne of Tarth a mute?

Becca meets the fam

Obv Becca shows up to Chris’ farm looking fabulous. If she ever moved there she’d totally be like the talk of the town. She'd be like the Kate Middleton of Arlington. Ok I have a girl crush. It’s like whatevs. 

Chris’ mom thinks Becca is hysterical probably because this is the closest thing Arlington has ever gotten to stand up comedy.

Becca and Chris’ mom have a sit down during which she makes Becca cry. Then, in the biggest power move ever, she brushes Becca's hair away from her face. You don’t love my son? Trust me, I’ll MAKE you love my son.

No one is having Becca’s realistic approach to relationships. They’re freaking out that she doesn’t want to immediately pick up and move to Arlington. Would anyone pick up and move to Arlington? Oh yeah, Whitney.

Chris’ mom: I don’t want Chris to be with you and then 6 months down the line you dump him when he could’ve gotten the chance to settle for Whitney.

After their day date, Chris comes over to Becca’s hotel room to have the ‘yo is this happening or not?’ hard conversation.

Side note #2: Bach producers must love her because they put Becca up in the Kapua Suite. Meanwhile all Whitney got was fucking room 401.

During their really hard (to watch) discussion Chris told her that if moving to Arlington doesn’t work out that they will “figure it out.” In other words he basically/probs said he’d sell her farm for her. UH THESE ARE THE WONDERFUL THINGS THAT HAPPEN WHEN YOU REFUSE TO PUT OUT.

Chris: I didn’t necessarily get the answers I need but Becca has assured me that if I choose her she will definitely consider having lunch with me next week.

Honestly, she just needs to have sex with him and she’ll realize she's ready to move for him in like a minute.

Chris: Me have feelings. Me want you to love me. You scared? Me scared. Farm. Quack. Moo.
Becca: I feel every emotion you just said.

Whitney goes on the farm

Chris figures since Whitney is in the bag he might as well multi-task and get some crop harvesting done.

Chris is so worldly, he even speaks Spanish. “This is mi casa.”

Whitney in the truck: I love this. I love that. I love you. I love farms. I love corn.

Chris owns 800 acres!? I barely own a square foot in NYC. And we’re prob paying same rent.

Whitney says, “wow, it really makes you think,” as she looks out into the snow acres of corn fields, or what others might see as a place to successfully hide a body.

Chris then comes over to her subpar hotel room and thankfully does not notice the framed pictures of the two of them Whitney has set up all over the room, or the love fern on her nightstand.

Ah, we have to sit through another one of Whitney’s concise speeches. She tells Chris that she feels like she can finish his sentences, mostly because he doesn’t have any sentences.

Watching Chris kiss Whitney with his eyes open is so painful. He keeps raising his eyebrows with each kiss. “eh…ehhhh…EHHH”

You can totally tell Whitney would marry a fucking log if it could give her babies. The lack of chemistry these two have is equivalent to a gay man and his beard.

Engagement rose ceremony

Neil Lane was probably like, I can't believe I have to fly to Iowa for this shit. He better pick 5 carats minimum. 

Ugh one of these lucky ladies gets to get asked to get married to in the barn where Chris made love to his first cow and suckled some baby pigs. Whitney has nipples Chris, could you milk her?

Who interior decorated this barn? What the fuck is with the disco lights? This looks like the set of a farm animal fetish porn. Not that I know what that looks like but still.

Chris: You’re amazing, I would marry you in a sec but you’re just not ready. So I have to go with my gut back up. I’m sorry.
Becca: PHEW.

What is this? A clean mature break up? This is not the shit we signed up for.

Obviously Whitney comes to the barn and makes yet another speech.
Whitney: (10 minutes later)… and for that reason I love you. 
Chris: Are you done now?

Check out our After The Final Rose recap HERE >>




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