The Best Bachelor In Paradise Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 4, Night 1

By The Betches

Another week in Paradise, another amazing experience of exploitation of tears, love, Jorge, and alcohol for the sake of ratings. Good job ABC, your cast of psychos is successfully keeping us entertained.

Ashley, Jared, and Caila

Ugh Ashley, get a life, loser.

Ashley: I came here to the show that you were on to get over you and get more Instagram endorsements.
Jared: Can you not? I don't want to be with you romantically.
Ashley: You mean like...NEVER??? Don't these new lip injections mean anything to you, Jared!?

She looks absolutely crazy it's so funny how she’s like laughing crying like in Something’s Gotta Give

Ashley: It's just crazy that two people can love each other so much and not want to be together — THAT'S BECAUSE ONLY ONE PERSON LOVES EACH OTHER SO MUCH ASHLEY

I love Jared proclaiming his love for Caila to the soothing sounds of Ashley's tears.


OMG I just like threw up when Evan started kissing Carly it was so gross. Carly always seems to like Evan a lot more very close to rose ceremonies where the men pick the girls.

OMG Sarah with the cake-baking knife next to her one arm is actually scaring the shit out of me. This is so fucked up but it actually reminds me of the scene in Scary Movie with the one-handed guy serving the gross food. That cake looks like it’s frosted with jizz.


The twins are casually kind of great, I want to be their triplet. I like how they whore each other out to get to stay here. The twin kisses Daniel like you'd kiss your grandma before you leave Christmas dinner.

Daniel manages to turn any potentially cute romantic moment into a perverted comment:

Daniel to one of the twins: When I see your butt I just think it’s amazing and I wanted to let you know that.

Daniel, now you’re King Kong? I thought you were an eagle!? Can’t keep track of these animorphs.

Daniel's advice to Ashley: I think you should just like fuck 10 different guys and like maybe you'll like one, maybe you'll get herpes. you'll see.

Nick’s reaction to sad Ashley is so good. Why is he wearing a shirt that looks like it should be on Saved by the Bell?

Ashley is so desperate she's talking to Jorge the bartender/psychoanalyst.

Ashley: Jared loves me, we have all the foundations for a relationship, he's known Caila for 2 days and I can't see them together long term.
Jared: Caila, will you accept this rose?

OMG WHAT since when can you just stay on The Bachelor if you ask really nicely? Paradise is a jungle; there are no rules! I’m sure Sarah would’ve appreciated this little alteration to the rules. I feel like they just let Ashley stay so she can wreak havoc for a few more hours and then get kicked off again. I kind of feel bad for Sarah but also like, you fucked up, you should’ve picked Christian he actually liked you.

"Hey Ashley, be your best self the rest of time, k?" - SURE NICK, THANKS FOR THE SAGE WISDOM

Caila: I know she says she's not in love with him but that was three hours ago. Who knows what could happen in 12 hours?



Okay so there are now 2 firefighters and 2 hair stylists, what is this, the fucking YMCA?



OMG Caila you are SO indecisive I kind of want to kill you and then brush your hair like you’re my Barbie.

This whole episode my biggest issue is that I’m on the fence of whether Ashley looks good in this bathing suit or not.

Jared: I really like you, and I got butterflies when I'm with you and I wanna get to know you better and I don’t want you to go on this date.

Caila: KK G2G. Also, like an I borrow your sunscreen?

Daniel, consoling Jared: If Caila doesn't like you, you should become a wolf dog like me and we can make a little wolf pack and find little puppies to bring back to our den - DANIEL WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR MATERIAL, THE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO PERSONIFICATION?

So like, you gonna cry? - Ashley to Jared.

I love that Emily and Carl are totally hitting it off. This is like THE date for a Vegas table waitress and a firefighter.

Emily: Haley, what does vulnerable even mean?
Haley: IDK but i think you can in be it in France.


Caila getting a lap dance: Thank you very much young man.

Hahahaha Ashley is all of us when our ex gets a new boyfriend.  "SHES A BACKSTABBING WHORE…I’m just kidding…no I’m not"

Ashley, you need to be shot with a horse tranquilizer gun. She is thrilled that Caila is going out with Lamp.

Ashley: This is like the romantic movies where the girl dumps the guy and then he goes back to the other guy and then in the end I think there's a bunny rabbit that gets boiled?


Who are all these people this season? WE DON'T KNOW YOU!? Why do you look 45?  Do you not yet have an established job that you cannot take off 3 weeks to get fucked on national TV for?

I don't get how Daniel is still here? I feel like he just always ends up lasting because all the desperate girls are constantly chasing him for a rose so he gets to stay.

Ryan the silver fox is trying to steal Haley the pigeon away from papa bear. – A REAL QUOTE BY DANIEL.

Is Haley wearing lingerie or a bathing suit?

Ryan (Silver Haired Fox) looks like he would be the threatening new character on an episode of Revenge. He kind of looks like someone’s hot divorced dad.

To think Lace's trip started off with Chad and now Grant loves her. This was kind of cut,e but little does Grant know there’s nothing more repulsive to a girl like Lace than a guy that is actually into her.

Izzy Todd and the Demon Barbers of Paradise

Ugh Izzy what a dick move it is to feel Lamp out before talking to Vinny about it

Izzy: I want you to know that I’m thinking about fucking Brett.
Vinny: Wow that really hurts. Where are my barber shears?

This is so dumb, you’re just telling Vinny that you think this guy is hot YOU A HO FO’ SHO. At least pretend you think he’s great and down to earth and you can have a "connection." Also, don't you think 75% is enough feeling for someone to stay with them for Bachelor in Paradise purposes?

Izzy is really into hair stylists, someone does not want to pay for keratin.

This SHOW IS SO GOOD WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT FOR IZZY to blow-dry her hair to find out what happens!?




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