In a few short weeks, JoJo will hang up her crop tops, give out the final rose and, just like that, this season of The Bachelorette will be over. But don’t freak the fuck out or anything, the shit show that is Bachelor in Paradise starts the very next day.
If you’ve never watched, Paradise is pretty much The Bachelor’s drunker, sluttier, stupider, more entertaining little brother. ABC just takes a bunch of Bachelor rejects, dumps them in Mexico and drowns them in margaritas, all to the sweet sound of Chris Harrison’s voice spewing metaphors about second chances at love, making connections and taking leaps. It’s gold.
Unlike The Bachelor, however, this show actually kinda works. Both of the show’s two seasons have ended with a couple getting engaged and eventually married. Apparently Marcus and Lacy (season 1) haven’t spoken in months, which isn’t how marriage works I don’t think, but they did get married. That shit was televised, so I know it happened, okay?! Either way, it’s still like a 2000% higher success rate than the show whose main purpose is falling in love and growing old together, blah blah blah.
Well, earlier this week, the show’s creator Mike Fleiss tweeted that not one, but MULTIPLE couples get engaged this season. Jesus Christ, how desperate are you people? You’ve literally known each other for like, six weeks. At least The Bachelor is set up to be romantic and whatnot. This would be like going on an extended spring break and deciding to marry the guy you drunkenly banged the whole time. You just don’t do it.
Here’s a suggestion, and I'm just spitballing here: If you love each other THAT much, try it out in the real world for a year or so. It’s all so hot when you’re on vacation and tan and shit, but what about when he’s hogging the remote and Game of Thrones is about to start? Is he still your soulmate then? Doubt it. I just need to stop trying to making sense out of these idiots and remember that they’re all fucking nuts.