The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You'll Ever Read: Finale Week | Betches

The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You'll Ever Read: Finale Week

By The Betches

This weekend we all witnessed a few sad endings, namely the end of summer, Bachelor in Paradise, and Ashley I.'s virginity. While we're obviously sad to see these things go, we're also counting down the days to Tanner and Jade's wedding because they are just adorbs (we'll see if they make it that far). 


Jared and Ashley

I would say I'm sad for Ashley that this is how she's finally losing her virginity, but then I remember there is zero chance she's actually a virgin.

Why is Carly such a creep and why does she care if Ashley loses her v?

“My hope is that we have a good time and I don’t bleed all over the sheets."

"I'm in love with Jared" - Ashley

"I was hoping I would like Ashley after last night" - Jared

 

Do you think Ashley I. really lost her virginity to Jared? in Betches Love This - Polls on LockerDome

 

Juelia and Mikey

Mikey: I feel like we gave it an honest effort and improved our tans and our instagram followings and now it’s time for us to part ways.
::Juelia hysterically cries::
Mikey: You’re soo special yo.

Juelia should've been like, you're breaking up with ME!? Your name is Mikey T.

Why is Juelia running down the beach post-breakup as if starring in Baywatch?

Come on Juelia did you really think you were going to find a father for your child on a televised tropical island?

Jaclyn, Cassandra, and Justin

What's with all these single parents wanting to come on this show? Is ABC paying for babysitting?

Cassandra: Should I ask Justin?
Girls: Yeah totally none of us want him at all.

Jaclyn: I mean he’s way shorter than her so I mean flats for life isn’t my thing so bless her heart.

Jaclyn: Sorry I didn’t get knocked up when I was 19. I never thought the best way to have a connection here was to talk to raccoons and fruits and vegetables and be a complete psyhopath.

Jaclyn wishes Justin would've been more honest. Except he was being COMPLETELY HONEST.

"Justin rejecting me would neve have happened in the real world” - Jaclyn. Ehh, idk about that.

Justin: Cassandra looks like a girl out of a romance novel. - Justin, you fucking weirdo. Why are you reading airport romance novels?

I can't believe the worst thing she could think of to make Justin do to her was fake-embarrass himself by posing on the beac., As if that was in any way more embarrassing than his behavior this entire season. 

Samantha and Nick

Jaclyn should just forgo the date card and get drunk at the house. FINE if you insist.

Nick looked so much better back in the day. He actually aged to look like a dead fish.

"I could just talk to Sam all day"....
Nick: How's your food?
Sam: good
Nick: ::winks::
--- good talk.

Rose Ceremony

Chris cancels the cocktail party so like, yeah bye.

Jared had about as much fun in Paradise as a Nazi at the Nuremberg trials. How many more times is he going to have to break up with Ashley it's like getting awkward.

Ashley: I just want to say how meaningful this experience has been for me. I grew up here.
Everyone else: Wow that is super sad.

Dan is it necessary to make a speech where you break up with everyone AGAIN?

Good for Mackenzie for rejecting Mikey T. for trying to give her a pity rose. "Wipe that smile off your face."

Thie episode is like a Game of Thrones finale. Everyone's gone.

After Carly's vocal performance post-ceremony weird ass rose song you could totally tell Kirk was OVER IT. 

Tanner: Yes everyone’s gone. More quesadillas to go around.

Now that the couples are all alone and being forced to hang out with only each other, they now get to see how fake their fake relationships are.

Carly and Kirk Breakup

Carly: How long have you been feeling like this?
Kirk: Idk like 7 or 8 or 9 weeks.

Clearly the problem in this relationship was that Kirk wanted to continue enjoying a paradise fling meanwhile Carly is already naming their children. She's crazy but Kirk is so textbook commitment-phobe.

When he's taking her down to the beach to break up with her it looks like he's taking her to be shot behind a hut.

Carly: Are you taking me to break up with me
Kirk: Shhhhhh
Carly: HEHEHEH

At least her eyebrows look good during this breakup.

Carly: When I look in your eyes I see nothing
Kirk: I don't even know what that means.

Tenley: HE HASN’T BEEN FEELING IT FOR A WEEK. WHAT THE FUCK KIRK WE’RE ALL GOING TO KILL YOU.

Question, how does everyone pack so fast? I need at least 2 hours.

"Carly you deserve a conversation" - SHUT UP KIRK. YOU DONT DESERVE A CONVERSATION.

"Oh god, that went terribly" - Kirk, LOLOLOL

I would love to see ABC put Kirk and Carly in the same car to the airport? Same flight.

<--break->

Night 2 - Finale

Tenley: Kirk and Carly were boyfriend and girlfriend. That is not something you can just like, end.

Chris Harrison: Good to see that everyone who left has come back and hasn’t killed each other.

Chris Harrison: Giving a rose today means you are committed to a life together outside of paradise and are obligated to post at least one couples instagram pic.

Chris Harrison: There is nothing worse than an empty promise. Besides herpes.

Joshua and Tenley

Joshua amidst Kirk/Carly Island Depression: I don’t want to sound like a dick but I would really like to have sex so can we get these fantasy suites going.

Okay Tenley relax with your intense beach break up speech just say nah that's all he can understand anyway.

Nick and Samantha

Nick is so creepy: “Sometimes I just stare at her and then she closes her window shades and it's awkward."

"I’m really excited to just dig in deep to Samantha’s cleavage"

What you want to hear a guy say about you: "She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" .... SHE'S A PERSON NICK.

"Samantha is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen" - how many times has he said that?
"Not only is she physically attractive but she also has other qualities I am looking for" WHAT ARE THOSE QUALITIES YOU HAVE NEVER MENTIONED THEM ONCE.

Cassandra and Justin

This rose ceremony is basically like a “Wanna watch Netflix and chill in your home state?” question. And their answer is yes. 

Tanner and Jade

I love how Tanner was shaking the entire time Jade was speaking like GET ON WITH IT JADE I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO SAY.

Where the fuck did Tanner get that ring, a metal detector on the beach? I get that they are on an island but Neil Lane needs to step up their game with that fugly ring. 

Can't wait for the wedding hope it's nicer than Lacey and Marcus'.

This weekend we all witnessed a few sad endings, namely the end of summer, Bachelor in Paradise, and Ashley I.'s virginity. While we're obviously sad to see these things go, we're also counting down the days to Tanner and Jade's wedding because they are just adorbs (we'll see if they make it that far). 

Jared and Ashley

I would say I'm sad for Ashley that this is how she's finally losing her virginity, but then I remember there is zero chance she's actually a virgin.

Why is Carly such a creep and why does she care if Ashley loses her v?

“My hope is that we have a good time and I don’t bleed all over the sheets."

"I'm in love with Jared" - Ashley

"I was hoping I would like Ashley after last night" - Jared

 

Do you think Ashley I. really lost her virginity to Jared? in Betches Love This - Polls on LockerDome

 

Juelia and Mikey

Mikey: I feel like we gave it an honest effort and improved our tans and our instagram followings and now it’s time for us to part ways.
::Juelia hysterically cries::
Mikey: You’re soo special yo.

Juelia should've been like, you're breaking up with ME!? Your name is Mikey T.

Why is Juelia running down the beach post-breakup as if starring in Baywatch?

Come on Juelia did you really think you were going to find a father for your child on a televised tropical island?

Jaclyn, Cassandra, and Justin

What's with all these single parents wanting to come on this show? Is ABC paying for babysitting?

Cassandra: Should I ask Justin?
Girls: Yeah totally none of us want him at all.

Jaclyn: I mean he’s way shorter than her so I mean flats for life isn’t my thing so bless her heart.

Jaclyn: Sorry I didn’t get knocked up when I was 19. I never thought the best way to have a connection here was to talk to raccoons and fruits and vegetables and be a complete psyhopath.

Jaclyn wishes Justin would've been more honest. Except he was being COMPLETELY HONEST.

"Justin rejecting me would neve have happened in the real world” - Jaclyn. Ehh, idk about that.

Justin: Cassandra looks like a girl out of a romance novel. - Justin, you fucking weirdo. Why are you reading airport romance novels?

I can't believe the worst thing she could think of to make Justin do to her was fake-embarrass himself by posing on the beac., As if that was in any way more embarrassing than his behavior this entire season. 

Samantha and Nick

Jaclyn should just forgo the date card and get drunk at the house. FINE if you insist.

Nick looked so much better back in the day. He actually aged to look like a dead fish.

"I could just talk to Sam all day"....
Nick: How's your food?
Sam: good
Nick: ::winks::
--- good talk.

Rose Ceremony

Chris cancels the cocktail party so like, yeah bye.

Jared had about as much fun in Paradise as a Nazi at the Nuremberg trials. How many more times is he going to have to break up with Ashley it's like getting awkward.

Ashley: I just want to say how meaningful this experience has been for me. I grew up here.
Everyone else: Wow that is super sad.

Dan is it necessary to make a speech where you break up with everyone AGAIN?

Good for Mackenzie for rejecting Mikey T. for trying to give her a pity rose. "Wipe that smile off your face."

Thie episode is like a Game of Thrones finale. Everyone's gone.

After Carly's vocal performance post-ceremony weird ass rose song you could totally tell Kirk was OVER IT. 

Tanner: Yes everyone’s gone. More quesadillas to go around.

Now that the couples are all alone and being forced to hang out with only each other, they now get to see how fake their fake relationships are.

Carly and Kirk Breakup

Carly: How long have you been feeling like this?
Kirk: Idk like 7 or 8 or 9 weeks.

Clearly the problem in this relationship was that Kirk wanted to continue enjoying a paradise fling meanwhile Carly is already naming their children. She's crazy but Kirk is so textbook commitment-phobe.

When he's taking her down to the beach to break up with her it looks like he's taking her to be shot behind a hut.

Carly: Are you taking me to break up with me
Kirk: Shhhhhh
Carly: HEHEHEH

At least her eyebrows look good during this breakup.

Carly: When I look in your eyes I see nothing
Kirk: I don't even know what that means.

Tenley: HE HASN’T BEEN FEELING IT FOR A WEEK. WHAT THE FUCK KIRK WE’RE ALL GOING TO KILL YOU.

Question, how does everyone pack so fast? I need at least 2 hours.

"Carly you deserve a conversation" - SHUT UP KIRK. YOU DONT DESERVE A CONVERSATION.

"Oh god, that went terribly" - Kirk, LOLOLOL

I would love to see ABC put Kirk and Carly in the same car to the airport? Same flight.

<--break->

Night 2 - Finale

Tenley: Kirk and Carly were boyfriend and girlfriend. That is not something you can just like, end.

Chris Harrison: Good to see that everyone who left has come back and hasn’t killed each other.

Chris Harrison: Giving a rose today means you are committed to a life together outside of paradise and are obligated to post at least one couples instagram pic.

Chris Harrison: There is nothing worse than an empty promise. Besides herpes.

Joshua and Tenley

Joshua amidst Kirk/Carly Island Depression: I don’t want to sound like a dick but I would really like to have sex so can we get these fantasy suites going.

Okay Tenley relax with your intense beach break up speech just say nah that's all he can understand anyway.

Nick and Samantha

Nick is so creepy: “Sometimes I just stare at her and then she closes her window shades and it's awkward."

"I’m really excited to just dig in deep to Samantha’s cleavage"

What you want to hear a guy say about you: "She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" .... SHE'S A PERSON NICK.

"Samantha is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen" - how many times has he said that?
"Not only is she physically attractive but she also has other qualities I am looking for" WHAT ARE THOSE QUALITIES YOU HAVE NEVER MENTIONED THEM ONCE.

Cassandra and Justin

This rose ceremony is basically like a “Wanna watch Netflix and chill in your home state?” question. And their answer is yes. 

Tanner and Jade

I love how Tanner was shaking the entire time Jade was speaking like GET ON WITH IT JADE I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO SAY.

Where the fuck did Tanner get that ring, a metal detector on the beach? I get that they are on an island but Neil Lane needs to step up their game with that fugly ring. 

Can't wait for the wedding hope it's nicer than Lacey and Marcus'.




hand_icon

LET IT OUT, HONEY

small_arrow

Powered by Spot.IM

Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login