Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Week 5

By The Betches

Last night was the second half of a two part, four hour Bachelor in Paradise special because that’s exactly the kind of thing I have time for right before scrambling to get all my shit done pre Labor Day Weekend. THANKS, ABC. Blah blah blah Jesse started shit, Clare went nuts, and a couple of people had too much to drink. I guess that’s just another day in Paradise.

Rose Ceremony

Oh come on Lacy is just puking, there’s nothing wrong with a good puking once in a while.

You need to see the medic because AshLee is crazy? Really, Graham you’re losing your eyesight? AshLee is like Medusa. She must’ve realized Graham might not accept her rose and poisoned Graham preemptively.

Do people on this show have a clause where they need to make a certain number of dramatic exits from the rose ceremony?

Does Lacy really need an ambulance for a little vom sesh? What’s the worst that could happen? She loses a pound? It’s called too much tequila. Or maybe Marcus knocked her up already.

SHUT UP KALON “24 hour room service I’m pumped.”

Jesse: I don’t really care what Jackie thinks about me I need a rose from Jackie so I can fuck around.

I don’t feel bad for Marquel. He should’ve picked Danielle.

Back at The House

The brunette girls thought they had gotten rid of all the blondes, then CHRISTy walks in. 

Can Clare ditch those fucking maternity dresses like what’s with her?

Christy: Look, it’s gonna be so fun.
Zack: Yes ‘let there be love’, its gonna be so fun.

Sarah and Robert Date

Sarah: I wore black just for you because you said you liked black.
Robert: mhm, eyeroll.

Omg Sarah could not possibly be putting her face any closer to Robert’s. HE’S NOT INTO YOU.

This kiss is so awkward. “Kissing Robert is amazing. Feels like you can’t keep your hand off each other.

Cody and Michelle

Cody is doing that embarassing too into you thing he did on his first date with Andi again.

“It’s you or no one.” - You said that about Clare 24 hours ago.

"I want girl that’s going to make me the best Cody" STOP WITH THE THIRD PERSON. Jesus what is the average IQ for this show, 11?

Michelle: everything happened so fast with Cody including his climax.

Christy and Jesse

Christy: I hope that Jesse is a completely different person than my douchebag ex-boyfriend. – She obviously has problems choosing men.

OMG this girl is so stupid: “Its so funny to just walk into places here in Mexico.”

Jesse’s like trying to find out about Christy’s cheating boyfriend for tips on how to get away with it.

“I could be leaving in two days I wanna get wasted. SHOTS.” – Christy and Jesse might be good together they both have the maturity level of frat stars. 

Zack and Clare

Zack tells Clare in a completely honest and not crazy way that due to the fact that he’s known her for six days, he’s not ready to make a commitment.

Zack: I’m just trying to figure out what the right way to do it is.
Clare: The right way to do it is to fall in love with me immediately and shut the fuck up.

This is fucking jungle book. I love the raccoon jungle confessions. They are hysterical.

Okay Clare, aka John Denver: My bags are packed I’m ready to go, the bachelor car's standing outside my door.

It’s not playing games Clare it’s called being totally and completely honest!

Zack’s like yassssss now I can fuck Jackie AND Christy

He’s acting so fake sad it's hilarious, Zack really does not show too many emotions. He sounds like he’s half asleep telling Clare he wanted it to be magical.

Zack is like 'oh let me help you move your shit into the car... you’re moving kinda slow.'

Clare: “This is why I just wanted to do dancing with the stars” hahahhahahah TBH.

I have to say Clare is not that ugly of a crier. Props.

Lucy and Jesse and Christy

Jesse: Lucy arrives and flies around like she’s a Tasmanian devil.  - Slow the fuck down Lucy. This isn’t Dating Naked.

Jesse: Lucy has an incredible personality and I can’t wait till she takes her top off. – You can’t make this shit up

Christy to Lucy: Don’t make out with Jesse because I already did.  – It’s almost like Christy doesn’t know that Lucy is a slut by trade free spirit.

Lucy: Jesse is not the love of my life and Christy is not my best friend so like, yaasssss.

Cody and Michelle Date

The reason why Michelle is guarded about how "all in" Cody is probably has something to do with the fact that Cody would go all in with a chicken, so it makes sense that she's a little unsure.

Who takes engagement photos on their first date? That can’t be good for any relationship.

Cody sounds like Bobby Bottleservice. OMG is he going to propose? RELAX with the word vomit Cody.

This photoshoot is so fucking weird. I can’t believe they left the wedding dress in the room for Michelle once they found out Cody wears his heart on his sleeveless gym tank. Can the producers fuck with these people ANY more? Can’t you just like, not wear the dress Michelle? It would be really funny if no one else was in the room and Michelle was just babbling to herself the whole time.

"Oh man you look so tan,” something all brides want to hear. I think Cody has a tanning addiction.

She actually looks pretty good in this dress. Michelle continuously screaming, “this isn’t real!” to calm herself down is pretty great.

Michelle: He just wants to run away together right now and I’m like hold on a minute, I HAVE A DAUGHTER. (She didn't actually say the last part, which makes it alarming.)

AshLee and Graham

Since when is every thing pretty cool with Graham and AshLee wasn’t he just like dry heaving a minute ago?

Graham: I think AshLee proved to me that she’s ready for a mini van.

Rose Ceremony

Yeah Christy def has an alcohol problem. “There’s so much booze and no one’s drinking it!” Calm down Frank Gallagher.

Aw Marcus and Lacy are cute.

Christy: Jesse is a hundred percent honest, good looking, really good catch. -  NOPE CHRISTY. Jesse is the epitome of a bad guy

I think the best way to describe Lacy’s look is twinkle face.

Earth to Jackie, Jesse is not thinking about you.

Lucy: Then this weird thing happened and we all wound up in the bed together. -  How is that weird, you went into the bed you freak.

Everyone’s faces during Marcus’ speech is amazing. Jesse is like T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR. Okay is this three-hour make out sesh necessary, even Chris Harrison is bored.... “Zack.”

In other news, Jackie’s personality is equivalent to that of a dead cat.




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