The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 5 Night 2 | Betches

The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 5 Night 2

By The Betches

Last night’s Bachelor in Paradise episode was filled with multiple guys continuing to pine over Samantha, Ashley I. making more desperate moves, and a fake Mexican wedding. It was about the best entertainment we could get from a group of a guys who, as Jaclyn so eloquently put it on After Paradise, are “a club of unemployed dads and fitness instructors.” Well put.


Chilling with Jorge In Paradise

Carly wants Chelsie to go on that date with Dan so bad. I feel like Carly is secretly that bitch from the big comfy couch she’s too enthusiastic “Dang it!” Also, her eyebrows make me crazy. She should get eyebrow extensions. It's real. Google it. 

SMILE JARED. SMILE. Do the producers have him on suicide watch because he looks more mis and tired than Kanye at the VMAs.

Carly about Ashley S.: Last night she wanted to put red lipstick on my face and I was like I don’t want red lipstick and she was like "you are not treating me the way Jesus would treat people." Jesus would totally let you put red lipstick on him, but at least now we know what Ashley S. is going to do with the red lipstick she would otherwise have put on Carly’s face.

Nick then comes up stairs to break up with Ashley S before accepting the date with Chelsie.

Ashley S. is not pleased... “REALLY WHILE I’M WASHING MY FACE NICK, REALLY?” 

Ashley S.: I'm washing my face…can you give me 2 hours??

OH MY GOD. Ashley is looking at Nick like she will actually kill him with her eyes. She is putting a spell on him. Fucking voodoo. 

Nick: You drank a lot last night, you kind of smell like a brewery
Ashley S: Thank you.

Nick tells Ashley that he “doesn’t think it’s going to advance romantically.” Shocking, you spent the night with 10 tequila shots in a hot tub. 

Ashley I.: Ashton Kutcher meets Joe Jonas, that's so my type. -- No, Jared looks 0% like Ashton Kutcher. Maybe a poor man’s Nick Jonas but that’s a very big stretch.

For some reason, everyone is still obsessed with Samantha. Some quick research tells us that Samantha is actually Indian and…an heir to the 5 Hour Energy fortune? No wonder she has all this energy to manipulate everyone, she’s like doped up on caffeine and chemicals. However, this doesn’t stop Dan from thinking they’re soulmates.

Dan: What food would you request?
Samantha: Sushi.
Dan: OMG me too, I can totally see us making it In the real world.

Wow, Dan you guys are fucking soul mates. 

But really, what IS it about Samantha? 


Nick and Chelsie Date

Chelsie has some great shit to say about Nick: 

Chelsie: This yacht is like. 3 x the size of my house. This yacht is the best yacht ever. -  WHY DONT YOU JUST GIVE A ROSE TO THE YACHT. 

“I think falling for someone here would make a fantastic story” - Chelsie. Wow, Nick sounds like he’s special. 

Wait Nick likes Sam too? This just goes to show that men think with their dicks. Strictly. 

Mackenzie/Justin/Amber

Mackenzie: My sons name is Kale, like the vegetable.

Ashley I.: America will remember Mackenzie as the sweet really young mom who loves aliens

Amber conveniently has feelings for Justin after Dan dumps her.  "I want to get to know Justin, we had a great first date." – that’s bullshit Amber, you came back from the date and told Dan you were thinking about him the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME. 

Mackenzie seems like a basic Cher Horowitz or like someone who's just constatnly high. I wouldn’t be surprised though, her son's name is Kale. 

Mackenzie: What's your last name? Reich? As in third reich? How retro!!

I feel like Justin needs a new hairdo. He's like wearing a wig. 

"A Spanish man comes along and starts talking in Spanish" – Mackenzie, Spanish people are from Spain, Mexican people are from Mexico. You get mad if anyone thinks you live below Sunset.

Mackenzie thinks you spend three weeks in Mexico and you're a citizen. She celebrates her new identity well:

Mexican Man: bla bla bla Spanish bla bla
Mackenzie: como estas!

Mackenzie: I haven’t been on a date since Chris’ season. - RED FLAG RED FLAG

Do they provide day care for all these abandoned Bachelor kids? 

Justin: OMG it’s the Mexican chief…or priest. Or shaman…

Really this is the craziest first ate you’ve ever had McKenzie? What about your middle school dance where you conceived your son!? 

I can’t wait for McKenzie and Justin’s sons to discuss this episode with their therapists. 

"If we have kids I don’t think they will be Mexican? ...  if neither of us are Mexican, right?" – Mackenzie

Justin: Something tells me she thinks we’re actually married. She keeps on saying it. It’s kind of like, I don’t know.


Justin: I went through the honeymoon phase with Mackenzie pretty quickly. I need to find someone to divorce us tomorrow.

Jaclyn/Jared/Ashley I.

Jaclyn doesn’t care who’s in a fake relationship or not! She is trouble!

Jaclyn: I wanna take these guys on cool dates and I have no friends here.

Line of the night goes to Jaclyn... “they might as well call this season Katilyn’s rejects."

Jaclyn: Ashley I is obviously invested in Jared and I don’t care.

Jared on Jaclyn: Jaclyn is a wild one. She seems really fun. - Jared says this with the enthusiasm of a frat bro considering going to the dining hall after 2 joints and a Xanax.

Jared then explains to Jaclyn what’s going on with Ashley I.

Jared: She wrote me this very beautiful letter.
Jaclyn::: starts laughing hysterically::
Jaclyn: Never trust a girl with bellybutton ring at 25 +

...  FAIR.

Tanner: I feel like Jaclyn has this black widow feel like she'll rip a guy's head off after sex. - Why does Tanner know the mating rituals of all insects? 

Ashley I. then wards of Jaclyn by swooping in with an overnight date card that she so casually begged Chris Harrison for. Jared accepts because really, this guy DGAF about anything.

Tanner: Are you excited to spend the night with her? 
Jared: Uh yeah, sure. I need to drop off my laundry anyway. 

I like how Ashley gets done up for the date but Jared doesn't even move from the bar. Ashley probably thinks she can lock down Jared by giving him the best blow job ever. 

The flowers opening up at the end of the episode alluding to Ashley’s lost virginity to come. Chris Harrison closes it out in the classiest way possible: "Will the virgin go all the way at the fantasy? We will see how drunk she gets?!??!"

Last night’s Bachelor in Paradise episode was filled with multiple guys continuing to pine over Samantha, Ashley I. making more desperate moves, and a fake Mexican wedding. It was about the best entertainment we could get from a group of a guys who, as Jaclyn so eloquently put it on After Paradise, are “a club of unemployed dads and fitness instructors.” Well put.

Chilling with Jorge In Paradise

Carly wants Chelsie to go on that date with Dan so bad. I feel like Carly is secretly that bitch from the big comfy couch she’s too enthusiastic “Dang it!” Also, her eyebrows make me crazy. She should get eyebrow extensions. It's real. Google it. 

SMILE JARED. SMILE. Do the producers have him on suicide watch because he looks more mis and tired than Kanye at the VMAs.

Carly about Ashley S.: Last night she wanted to put red lipstick on my face and I was like I don’t want red lipstick and she was like "you are not treating me the way Jesus would treat people." Jesus would totally let you put red lipstick on him, but at least now we know what Ashley S. is going to do with the red lipstick she would otherwise have put on Carly’s face.

Nick then comes up stairs to break up with Ashley S before accepting the date with Chelsie.

Ashley S. is not pleased... “REALLY WHILE I’M WASHING MY FACE NICK, REALLY?” 

Ashley S.: I'm washing my face…can you give me 2 hours??

OH MY GOD. Ashley is looking at Nick like she will actually kill him with her eyes. She is putting a spell on him. Fucking voodoo. 

Nick: You drank a lot last night, you kind of smell like a brewery
Ashley S: Thank you.

Nick tells Ashley that he “doesn’t think it’s going to advance romantically.” Shocking, you spent the night with 10 tequila shots in a hot tub. 

Ashley I.: Ashton Kutcher meets Joe Jonas, that's so my type. -- No, Jared looks 0% like Ashton Kutcher. Maybe a poor man’s Nick Jonas but that’s a very big stretch.

For some reason, everyone is still obsessed with Samantha. Some quick research tells us that Samantha is actually Indian and…an heir to the 5 Hour Energy fortune? No wonder she has all this energy to manipulate everyone, she’s like doped up on caffeine and chemicals. However, this doesn’t stop Dan from thinking they’re soulmates.

Dan: What food would you request?
Samantha: Sushi.
Dan: OMG me too, I can totally see us making it In the real world.

Wow, Dan you guys are fucking soul mates. 

But really, what IS it about Samantha? 


Nick and Chelsie Date

Chelsie has some great shit to say about Nick: 

Chelsie: This yacht is like. 3 x the size of my house. This yacht is the best yacht ever. -  WHY DONT YOU JUST GIVE A ROSE TO THE YACHT. 

“I think falling for someone here would make a fantastic story” - Chelsie. Wow, Nick sounds like he’s special. 

Wait Nick likes Sam too? This just goes to show that men think with their dicks. Strictly. 

Mackenzie/Justin/Amber

Mackenzie: My sons name is Kale, like the vegetable.

Ashley I.: America will remember Mackenzie as the sweet really young mom who loves aliens

Amber conveniently has feelings for Justin after Dan dumps her.  "I want to get to know Justin, we had a great first date." – that’s bullshit Amber, you came back from the date and told Dan you were thinking about him the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME. 

Mackenzie seems like a basic Cher Horowitz or like someone who's just constatnly high. I wouldn’t be surprised though, her son's name is Kale. 

Mackenzie: What's your last name? Reich? As in third reich? How retro!!

I feel like Justin needs a new hairdo. He's like wearing a wig. 

"A Spanish man comes along and starts talking in Spanish" – Mackenzie, Spanish people are from Spain, Mexican people are from Mexico. You get mad if anyone thinks you live below Sunset.

Mackenzie thinks you spend three weeks in Mexico and you're a citizen. She celebrates her new identity well:

Mexican Man: bla bla bla Spanish bla bla
Mackenzie: como estas!

Mackenzie: I haven’t been on a date since Chris’ season. - RED FLAG RED FLAG

Do they provide day care for all these abandoned Bachelor kids? 

Justin: OMG it’s the Mexican chief…or priest. Or shaman…

Really this is the craziest first ate you’ve ever had McKenzie? What about your middle school dance where you conceived your son!? 

I can’t wait for McKenzie and Justin’s sons to discuss this episode with their therapists. 

"If we have kids I don’t think they will be Mexican? ...  if neither of us are Mexican, right?" – Mackenzie

Justin: Something tells me she thinks we’re actually married. She keeps on saying it. It’s kind of like, I don’t know.


Justin: I went through the honeymoon phase with Mackenzie pretty quickly. I need to find someone to divorce us tomorrow.

Jaclyn/Jared/Ashley I.

Jaclyn doesn’t care who’s in a fake relationship or not! She is trouble!

Jaclyn: I wanna take these guys on cool dates and I have no friends here.

Line of the night goes to Jaclyn... “they might as well call this season Katilyn’s rejects."

Jaclyn: Ashley I is obviously invested in Jared and I don’t care.

Jared on Jaclyn: Jaclyn is a wild one. She seems really fun. - Jared says this with the enthusiasm of a frat bro considering going to the dining hall after 2 joints and a Xanax.

Jared then explains to Jaclyn what’s going on with Ashley I.

Jared: She wrote me this very beautiful letter.
Jaclyn::: starts laughing hysterically::
Jaclyn: Never trust a girl with bellybutton ring at 25 +

...  FAIR.

Tanner: I feel like Jaclyn has this black widow feel like she'll rip a guy's head off after sex. - Why does Tanner know the mating rituals of all insects? 

Ashley I. then wards of Jaclyn by swooping in with an overnight date card that she so casually begged Chris Harrison for. Jared accepts because really, this guy DGAF about anything.

Tanner: Are you excited to spend the night with her? 
Jared: Uh yeah, sure. I need to drop off my laundry anyway. 

I like how Ashley gets done up for the date but Jared doesn't even move from the bar. Ashley probably thinks she can lock down Jared by giving him the best blow job ever. 

The flowers opening up at the end of the episode alluding to Ashley’s lost virginity to come. Chris Harrison closes it out in the classiest way possible: "Will the virgin go all the way at the fantasy? We will see how drunk she gets?!??!"




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