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In case you missed it, the state of New York was personally victimized on Monday night when ABC decided to make the bold move to ruin my life schedule a useless pre-season Giants game during Bachelor in Paradise‘s regular spot on Monday night. ABC, welcome to your tape. So whatever I guess I’ll watch all four hours of this garbage television show in one night. I had big plans to eat cheese and text my ex-boyfriend to sabotage any potential happiness he might have rn check in with him but I guess I’ll devote the rest of my evening to deciding if Raven did in fact get fake boobs for Mexico. Shall we get this shit show started?
PART I
We’re at week two, I’ve already invested four hours of my life that I’m never getting back, and yet we still have not seen a rose ceremony. ABC is blaming this on production and their exploitation of rape allegations for ratings shutting down and I am PISSED because the shutdown is already fucking with my couples this season. Kristina looks sadder than the Russian orphanage from which she hails and Jasmine looks ready to strangle someone. The men are off emotionally masturbating with each other while the women are crying to Wells. Wait is this Paradise or my Friday last week? I’m v confused rn.
Adam, someone who apparently made it very far in Rachel’s season (?) yet I cannot recall his face to save my damn life, shows up to the island and immediately the guys get boners over their newest swole mate. The girls are so fucking desperate for attention that they’re all salivating over the prospect of a date with a man whose career involves DOLLS. A modern woman’s dating dilemma right there. *shoots self*
Meanwhile, Wells the bartender has taken it upon himself to recap the drunken hookups people probs spreading STDs in the pool budding relationships and it’s giving me life. Here I was feeling sorry for him over there tending bar for Instagram endorsements but instead he’s like the Gretchen fucking Weiners of Paradise.
Adam gets a date card and asks Raven on a date. Like why is everyone so into Raven this season?? Honestly I’m stumped. The only thing I can think of is that it’s got to be her rack personality.
ADAM AND RAVEN’S DATE
Raven and Adam explore a Mexican village where we see no actual Mexican people during the entirety of their date. Very chill, ABC. Very chill. Raven orders a margarita from some rando Mexican bar and all I can think is that’s exactly how my friend ended up getting diarrhea at customs. Godspeed, Raven.
Raven keeps talking about how she wants a love like Carly and Evan and I’m like do you, Raven? DO YOU? Carly said the man SHE’S MARRIED TO gave her erectile dysfunction. Is that really how you want your love story to start??
Okay Raven and Adam are actually having a super adorable date but, like, all I can think about is that this man considers ventriloquism a good time. It’s really ruining the mood for me.
ADAM:
ME: RUN RAVEN, RUN.
THE FIRST ROSE CEREMONY
I can’t believe we’re only just now getting to the first rose ceremony. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years just waiting for this shit to happen. The girls all look flawless. The men look mildly gay.
Ben tries to win over Raven for the last time and cannot stop talking about how they both have dogs are compatible as a couple. Ben Z is me when I’m drunk at a bar and can’t stop talking about my dog that I don’t own. Like quit talking about Fido and woo the girl, BENJAMIN.
Adam is actually cuter than I remembered? But also I remembered nothing about him from Rachel’s season sooo.
RAVEN: I am not mentally prepared tonight to choose between two hot, single guys who are super into me.
ME:
Robby is perplexed as to why women aren’t propositioning him left and right. His animatronic settings can’t compute. Also, Robby’s errant hair is the real star of this show.
Now that there’s a rose on the line all of a sudden these men are acting like they give a shit about “connections” and “falling in love.” Iggy blesses Lacey’s wine, Alex is doing everything but faking a trip to the emergency room for a pity rose. On second thought, that worked for Evan so keep doing you Alex.
The rose ceremony goes as such:
Taylor picks Derrek.
Jasmine picks Matt.
Raven picks… ADAM??? Wait, what did I just watch. RAVEN, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Adam?? But Ben Z has a dog was so compatible with you! The boob job changed you, Raven.
Alexis picks… Jack Stone? You’re trying to tell me that the funniest girl in this whole franchise picks a man whose direct eye contact with the camera literally dries up my vagina? What in the shit am I watching rn??
Lacey picks Diggy.
Danielle M picks Ben Z because her boob job did not change her. Respect.
Kristina picks a person who is looking to fuck her up emotionally Dean.
Amanda picks Robby and his errant hair.
Lol Vinny trying to hang himself with his seatbelt after being denied a rose is a metaphor for my love life. Vin, you can call me.
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THE NEXT DAY
Danielle L, whom everyone is now calling D-Lo in what I can only assume is some sort of desperate attempt to make her seem like she actually has a personality, walks in and every guy in Paradise immediately jizzes their pants. Am I missing something here? This girl has the personality of dollar store soap and the laugh of a Tickle Me Elmo. What about this is sexually appealing? Seriously, someone DM me if you know the answer.
Jesus wtf is Robby wearing? Is that a wife beater? Why is it showing his side boob?
D-Lo asks who everyone is dating, listens to them describe their romantic entanglements, disregards that information and picks Dean to go on a date with her. I hope Jasmine strangles her with one of the panels on her dress. Honestly if a soviet orphan with two percent body fat can’t find love, what chance do the rest of us have? *chugs wine*
DEAN & D-LO’S DATE
They go on a dune buggying date, which seems totally out of Danielle’s wheelhouse just judging off of those Bermuda jorts she’s rocking rn but whatever. They start making out and somewhere in the world a Russian puppy dies. Honestly the more I see of Dean the more I feel the urge to set fires.
All the guys are treating Dean like a fucking war hero for how he’s stringing along two girls at the same time. They think Dean can solve all of his romantic issues by buying Kristina a FREE drink which will 100 percent work because that is the world we live in. The two make up over a Solo cup and all is forgiven because apparently they’re not grown-ass adults, but two people at a frat party.
This bonfire is v cute but it’s also foreboding AF. There’s no way Chris Harrison supplies them with S’mores and a good time without a plan to emotionally ruin someone by the end of the evening. I’VE GOT YOUR NUMBER, CHRIS.
Annndddd there it is. Dean brings D-Lo a slice of cake for her half birthday and I’m having, like, a physical reaction to watching Dean and Kristina interact rn. It’ so terribly familiar except I was never that skinny and my accent is better. I’m not crying, you’re crying.
The episode ends with Kristina in tears, and Alexis having a meltdown over pizza someone dropped in the sand. At least one of these bitches has their priorities straight.
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