The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 5 Night 1

By The Betches

Last night’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise should have been called “There’s Something About Samantha” because no one could shut up about how much of a man-eating mastermind she is. But did anyone ever stop to think that Samantha has no idea what she is doing and is just like, super stupid?

First she tells Dan that she and Joe are like “love at first sight” but at the end of the conversation, during which Dan doesn’t say much except that Joe’s prob an asshole but with no concrete evidence proving such, Samantha lets Joe go home.

Either Samantha never liked Joe and took the opportunity to ditch him or she’s plain dumb. Then again if she were plain dumb she and Joe would have been a perfect match…

Joe: How can someone have a great date one night and then go on a date with someone else the next day. It’s not fair to Joe!

I meannnnn…. Is this not exactly what he did to Juelia or nah?

Side note: Does anyone know what Joshua is doing in the opener?

Then Chris Bukowski shows up, who someone refers to as the Bachelor Legend. The fact that he’s been on 5, now 6, seasons of a Bachelor show and is deemed a legend while Clare, who’s only been on 3, is considered a desperate “old lady” is very sad to us. Let’s be real, they both suck.

So the first thing Chris does when he gets to paradise is order a vodka soda… and a collective “yasssss” is heard from betches around the world.

Meanwhile Justin takes Amber as his backup date after Samantha cancels on him last minute. Amber’s excuse for going is that “Dan has been really slow” with her.  It’s acutally been one day.

The two head off to somewhere in Mexico where they dance salsa and reveal Justin’s anything but casual sunburn. Like how long has he even been there? One night? Put on some fucking sunscreen bro. It’s awkward.

Justin: There’s a relationship that’s developing with this salsa dancing. – Aw Justin, that’s called a boner.

In true Bachelor fashion, after her first date – nay, during – with Justin she starts hystericaly crying. Why? Who knows. Maybe Justin’s ripe red skin color is frightening her.

Back at the house, Chris is getting white girl wasted.


“Yeah I’ll hook up with your mom for sure!!”– Chris

Amber and Justin come back from their date and Amber, who is also quite twisted, pulls Dan aside to tell him that she couldn’t stop thinking about him during her date and Dan had super romantic things to say to her back.

Dan: When you left to go on your date with Justin, I like, didn’t even realize.

Dan: I love you as a person I think you’re amazing but like, I don’t like you.

The conversation ends and Amber tells us she regrets going out with Justin which is fucking stupid. Dan just said he didn’t even notice you were gone. 

By the way, Tenley is sooooo Tenley RN.
Carly: Just giving you a heads up Chris is gonna ask you out.
Tenley: Oh shoot!

After getting shut down by Tenley, Chris starts hysterically crying. What was the point of him being here. And then he like, left? No one even talked about it after! I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

And the date card still went to Tenley. That lucky Disney loving biatch.

On Tenley and Josh-UA’s date, a Mexican chef third wheeled and they had the pleasure of blatantly promoting his restaurant. Omg how romantic.

Back at the house before the rose ceremony:

Justin’s entire back was covered in sweat. His body's reponses are very extreme. Sunburned and sweaty.

Meanwhile Ashley I. presents Jared with a handwritten novella she wrote for him… 
Jared: It was 5:30 in the morning and you had rambled on for 18 pages. FRONT AND BACK!!

If only he had actually fallen “ASLEEEEEEP.”

Ashley: His face was like designed for me !!

I feel like Jared and Ashley sort of have the same shaped face. Long and pointy. 

Does Jared even smile? Jared, WHY SO SERIOUS? Even he doesn’t think he’s that smiley...

Amber: And I think you’re funny
Jared: Wait really?

Cut to Joe and Samantha sitting on the couch having a deep and meaningful conversation:
Joe: You’re so hot
Samantha: Aw thank you!
Joe: Your face is just like really good
Samantha: Hehe

Then Dan decides he’s going to flirt with Samantha so he sits her down and starts talking shit about Joe. Honestly I didn’t think this was going to work but either Samantha just wanted an excuse to break up with Joe or she has no fucking clue what’s going on, Dan’s plan CASUALLY WORKED. Like what?

Kirk: Not a whole lot in this world causes that instant smile but Carly saying my name does that – that was like sort of really sweet.

Drunk Ashley S. finally comes back to the party: Giving out a rose is so hard like, the struggle is real.

Ashley I. was SO pumped that she got to go before Amber. Meanwhile Jared, who prob didn’t want to deal with any of it, was probably shaking… “please call Ashley I. please call Ashley I.”

After Samantha pulls the most ridiculous move in Rose Ceremony history (as Chris Harrison would say) we’re slightly afraid Joe might actually kill her or Dan. LOL.

Tanner: Samantha is a praying mantis. After she’s done with them she rips their heads off. – Did Tanner just quote JWOWW?

Joe: At the end of the day who are you going to be with?
Samantha: Myself!
Joe: Yeah and a lot of cats

Samantha: So yeah I’m really sorry guys.
Ashley S: Did you speak to Dan before the show?
Samantha: No!
Ashley S: I’m struck by your beauty.
Ashley I: What the fuck is going on?!

“It's like you weren’t born out of a flower or a seashell. She’s like a dead bird to me.” – Ashley S. I feel like I know what you’re trying to say here. 

PS: Who is Chelsea again?

Guy who is recapping the available guys: And you’re set with Ashley S.
Nick: Yeah, I’m good.…::makes blow job motion::





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