The Best 'Bachelor' Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 2

By The Betches

This week’s episode of The Bachelor featured Corinne really getting into her role as America’s Next Top Villain, Liz appearing as if she might stab everyone in the entire house, and Nick uttering approximately 15 words. All in all a pretty solid episode, and we can’t wait to tune in next week to watch the whole house actually not give a shit about Nick’s reveal that he slept with Liz despite what the previews suggest.

First Group Date

The episode starts and I already want Corinne to STFU

Rachel: Nick is a great guy and I want a chance to continue to make great first impressions with him. — Rach, they’re now just called impressions.

Chris Harrison: My advice to you, when you do get time with Nick, is to act like catty insane animals in order to get Nick’s attention, okay? Please? For the ratings, please.

And with that three blue convertibles show up to take the girls to their destination and we have our very first product placement ad of the season. I’ve never seen so many girls fawn over a Buick. Maybe they really can get acting careers in Hollywood after this.

Nick: Nothing is more appropriate than taking wedding photos with ladies on our first date. — Things people that are chronically single say.

The wedding photographer, who I am 99% sure is just James Franco doing a Hank Azaria in The Birdcage impression, starts handing out the slutty themed outfits. 80s bride...shotgun bride…Adam & Eve bride... captive ISIS slave bride...

Brittany was actually really hot in the topless Eve outfit. However, we did not need the zoom in on Nick’s leaf colored penis and pale-ass upper thighs.

Okay Corinne chill out with the wannabe villain lines.

Corinne: I just needed to kiss him so I just like did it
Whoever she was talking to: That’s sooooooaaa cuteeeee cough DIE BITCH cough

The dolphin trainer gets the shotgun wedding but if this doesn’t work out she can totally get a gig on RHONJ.

How is this a good date idea? They’re not even speaking to Nick, just getting drunk and making out with him in wedding dresses.

James Franco photog as Corinne takes her bikini top off: “Do a Janet Jackson das a good one” — who IS this guy because he seems like a v classy wedding photographer.

I think Corinne is confusing the word "spark" with "slutty" Did she blow James Franco in order to win this contest?

Nick hasn’t said one word this entire date.

“No one has ever held my boobs the way Nick has held my boobs.” — They need to put that on a Hallmark card

He should give the rose to the girl who comes up with the best wedding hashtag #nickschicksgetexploited

Raven to Nick: Are you a no regrets type person?

Liz: Fucking maniac, her smile is actually scaring the shit out of me. Nick is going to wake up to her standing next to him smiling insanely with her veneers.

Nick: I was not good on group dates at first, but after going on about 75 of them I’ve discovered their value.

Ugh Nick you are a grotsky little biotch for giving Corinne this rose.

Corinne: Dad would be proud even though I was naked.” — shit Ivanka Trump probably says.

Cut to The House

Liz is creepily cutting fruit next to a passed out couch bitch. Liz, have you had sex with Nick?? Have you because you have like, barely mentioned it!?

Liz: I just want to keep the night that Nick and I had our little secret…
22 hours later…
Liz to Christen: So I slept with Nick and here are the exact details of his penis size and orgasm sounds.

“A lot of intermittent sex and talk.” — Liz on the night she slept with Nick. She should write romance novels.

Liz is a nut job. She’s going to poison Danielle M's bedtime glass of milk.

Also Corinne recounting her topless photo shoot with Lacey is Regina George and Lacey is Gretchen Weiners and Liz is Cady Heron as the zombie bride.

Date with Danielle

Boring AF Danielle is like kinda boring but maybe that means she’s normal.

So Danielle was engaged to someone that she didn’t know she was an addict and then walked in on him ODing. How could you not know someone you’re going to marry is an addict?

Danielle: I'm really excited
Nick: I'm glad you're excited
Danielle: I'm excited that you're excited

Nick then proceeds to give her unasked for relationship advice about getting over her deceased fiancé.

Danielle perpetually sounds like she’s just coming off of laughing gas at the dentist.

Second Group Date

Is this the reject group date? It’s like getting chosen for reading group C in 3rd grade. 

What a fun first date idea? Watch the end of several relationships in a row. This isn’t even a REAL museum. One of them should just hand him a Post-it that says "I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me."

They’re really laying Nick’s breakups on thick with this museum of broken relationships shit. A museum display of Nick's past engagement ring? Savage ABC, savage.

Liz then gives the most awkward breakup speech of all time.
Liz: I’ve been hurt but I wasn’t ready to let you fully in.
Nick's face was like "ummm pretty sure I went all in."

Imagine if you had a one night stand with someone and they write you a 20 min poem. Fatal Attraction much?

Christen then uses her one-on-one time with Nick to totally throw Liz under the bus.

Nick to Christen: If you don’t mind will you please tell me what happened with Liz because I don’t remember I was very fucking blackout TBH.

Nick then calls Liz over to tell her she’s dunzo:

Liz: I know I could've gotten your number and had a private conversation, but quitting my job and going on national TV seemed like the only way to get to you.
Nick: And for that reason…I’m out

BYE FE-LIZ-A!!!




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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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