The Best Bachelor Recap You'll Ever Read: The Finale

By The Betches

Finally, Ben decided who he loved more. It was so romantic, you know, to watch him tell one woman he was so in love with her the day he was going to propose to a different one. But much like in reality, his therapist (Neil Lane) was able to coach him through it all.

Neil: Tell me about her
Ben: Who?

The episode started off with Chris Harrison telling us that this will be the most dramatic finale ever, and that “Neil Lane was in the house!!” Clearly, so was LL Cool J.

Then Chris mentioned that they were going to surprise Ben with a wedding. That’s right, a wedding. It’s like a surprise party, but one where you have to sign contracts at the end to become legally bound to a person you met less than a year ago. So like, super fun.

He continued to then show us that not only did he fly out the family of the winning contestant but the family of the losing one too! How thoughtful! Now they too can be there when their daughter is embarrassed and heartbroken. SAVAGE ABC.

Meanwhile, back at Sandals Jamaica….  Ben, Ben’s Parents, Lauren B, JoJo, Michael Scott and Jan Levenson are having the vacation of a lifetime.

Lauren Meets the Fam

Ben: I'm in love with 2 women and I couldn't help but tell them. 
Ben's mom: I always knew you were my dumbest child. 

Ben's mom hates him, she like eye rolls HARD when Lauren says she sees herself with Ben. I wonder where Ben's feelings of being unlovable come from, BEN'S MOM.

Lauren seriously needs to get a pair of non-One Teaspoon shorts. They’re too short sorry bye.

“From the first day Ben told me to trust him and for some reason I just did” – shit stupid people say.

Ok, like why are Lauren and mom holding hands?

It’s kind of fucked up he loves both women because when he chooses one then he still will love the other and then it’s like, show’s over but yup this is still awkward.

Jojo Meets the Fam

JoJo brings a substantially much smaller bouquet. Minus 10. 

“Too much cuddle time!??!” – EW mom

JoJo asks Ben if he's thinking of proposing with the same fervor one would ask someone if they wanted to grab lunch at Chipotle. 

But his response makes me want to put him in a chokehold…  WHAT A FUCKING TEASE
JoJo: Is a proposal what you want to do at the end of this?
Ben: Yeah you know that I love you and how I feel about you

Parents Chat it Up

Ben: Dad, what do you think?
Ben’s Dad: Well Lauren is very polished, then you turn around and meet JoJo and you see her rack…

Ben: Well mom, how do you think they were different?
Ben's mom then continues to say a bunch of shit that doesn’t distinguish them in any way. 

Last Date with Lauren

Lauren: Do you have any doubts about me?
Ben: Why you so perfect

It’s not even that they don’t speak about anything interesting, they just don’t speak about anything at all. Nor is it ever in compete sentences.

Ben: How are you doing?
Lauren: Great

Lauren: What are you thinking?

Ben: You’re beautiful.

Ben: You look great
Lauren: No you look great

Lauren: I love you so much
Ben: My khakis are tight

Last Date with JoJo

How does Ben know how to drive on the wrong side of the road?

JoJo and Ben are the 2 best friends that anybody could have.

JoJo is way smarter than Lauren. The reason why everything with Lauren is so perfect is because she has no thoughts. Like JoJo asks Ben real questions, while all Lauren does is say she loves him and cries.

But like, why are they having this conversation on a bathroom floor? They’re still mic’ed.

JoJo: I’m so tired of competing —well the main premise of The Bachelor is competition, soooo that was a stupid thing to say lil J.

The (most fucked up) Proposal (ever)

Nothing says personalized engagement ring like your boyfriend not being sure who he’s proposing to when he picks up the ring.

So he just chooses the one most resembling a ring you get when you win the Superbowl.


JoJo looks like a princess and Lauren wears a great color but I can see her thong line.

First out of the helicopter is always the loser and it’s …. JoJo :(

It’s SO cruel how they basically make JoJo propose to Ben before he doesn't propose to her.

When he’s like, I love you BUT… she’s like like, I gotta get the FUCK out of Jamaica.

I’m honestly surprised the producers didn’t play the other JoJo’s Leave (Get Out) during her exit.


When they go “Can I walk you out?” I wish someone would finally just say “NO, you asshole.”

Honestly everything being “so confusing” makes the actual proposal to Lauren seems so much less romantic and genuine.

Ben to Lauren’s dad: "There'll be hugs all the way around man!" - this is the worst day of JoJo’s life but thanks for the levity, Ben.

Does Ben get a lunch break between ending his serious relationship and proposing to his other girlfriend?

Ben should be scared for his life, JoJo’s brothers are going to beat the shit out of him.

So like once its over, do they producers send them home immediately after or at least give them like a mini vacation?

Think that's it?? Read the After The Final Rose recap here >>




Powered by Disqus




Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login