The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 4

By The Betches

This season of the Bachelor is just so exceptionally entertaining like, never do 2 hours watching ABC go by so fast. Perhaps it’s the lack of verbal communication and the increase in signage that has made us actually need to pay attention, or maybe it’s the fact that the producers send a group of blonde grade A morons to South Korea who say shit like "Korea is going to make me so much closer to Juan Pablo” and whose reaction to said trip is to jump up and down on beds and couches shrieking as if their sorority just won a free bar tab at Buffalo Wild Wings.

En Route to Asia

Camila explains to Juan Pablo that they’ll be able to speak on the computer… I wonder how long it took Chris Harrison to explain that Camilla won't actually BE IN the computer.

Chris Harrison: You’re on your way to the home of Gangnam style!
The girls look at each other: Chinatown?

Because Gangnam style is totally the most important aspect of South Korean culture.

Seoul South Korea!! At this point they’re picking places just for the puns. New drinking rule: drown your organs in a handle of vodka every time they say “Seoulmate” !!

You know when he announced they were going to South Korea at least half the girls were thinking, "Shit is that the good Korea or the bad Korea”

Clare: Korea?!? I don't even have a kimono!

Group Date #1

Nikki: Yes, he’s very handsome, smart, and funny
Meanwhile they show a montage of Juan Pablo in a Korean market making baby noises and eating cotton candy….

….I’m starting to develop a theory. I’ll create an analogy as to not to be too blunt: Juan Pablo is to the bachelorettes as Charlize Theron is to Jason Bateman in Arrested Development. THINK ABOUT IT.

They’re limiting dates to words Juan Pablo can spell… “POP"

Cassandra thinks the “pop" is for popcorn because her IQ is the same as her age.

Awkward that the girl from 2ne1 speaks way better English than Juan Pablo.

Chelsie mentions a couple times that her childhood dream is to be a backup dancer for a huge pop star… dream higher.

Nikki needs to calm the fuck down and like take shots. Who would ever do this sober? I’m fairly sure Kat is at least 3 shots deep and if she’s not then she’s at least on some of the molly she strategically saved from their Electric Run date.

EARTH TO KAT: No one is watching you, you’re not Azn -_-

These Asians in the mall are like, who the fuck are these white peole?

K pop sounds like it should be a Kelloggs cereal

Is it me or do these 2ne1 lyrics sound somewhat racist?

I'm not totally sure if all these people are there to watch 2ne1 or if Asia is just like that crowded

Date in the Evening

Kat is creepily smiling while talking about her alcoholic dad as if she’s Lena Dunham making up the story about her cousin with MS.

Kat: My dad had seven DUIs
JP: Wow that must’ve been hard for him. I only have like 3. 

Nikki's best pickup line: I'm a great diaper changer!

Nikki: I got the rose on the group date! I think everybody hates me but I’ve been myself.

Date with Sharleen

Sharleen looks very pretty today and she is also very aware she is 150% smarter than Juan Pablo.

“I don’t want the early stages of any relationship have anything to do with me singing opera” Oh give it a rest you’re not that amazing.

Sharleen has a way of complimenting people to make them feel sexy: “You are not bland”...“He is more fun than expected”

It’s just like they say, there’s nothing more romantic than a makeout sesh set to the soundtrack of Mulan.

Group Date #2

How are they supposed to do karaoke to music in another language, doesn’t that defeat the purpose of karaoke?

Oh really Clare you don’t like octopus? Ugh are you one of those plain losers who only eat things like chicken fingers and California rolls?

I really hope Clare chokes on that fucking octopus.

“Her piece was like this big and I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that..” - the dog lover

But really the dog lover looks like she’s on 7 dog tranquilizers

Asia is such a free for all - crowds of people eating lunch while watching other people getting their dead skin scrubbed off by small potentially killer fish

It’s super awk that Lauren S. has never had a convo with Juan Pablo and just like went in for the beso. Lauren S. looks like she would’ve been one of Jerry’s girlfriends on Seinfeld.

Juan Pabz and the magical kissing chocolate wafers.

CLARE IS THE WORST…"I THREW UP IN MY MOUTH BUT I SWALLOWED IT DOWN. DO I HAVE CHOCOLATE BREATH!?” No you have fake bitch breath and I smell it from over here.

On a completely unrelated note I can totally see Kristen Bell playing her in a parody of the Bachelor.

Clearly Juan Pablo doesn't listen to a thing Clare says and just wants to fuck her because he broke his no kissing rule for Clare immediately after she told him she puked octopus and swallowed it back down. HOT.

Rose Ceremony

They show none of his interactions with Kelly the dog lover so I assume she's just here to entertain us.

Nikki and Clare YOU BOTH SUCK. Go home.

Kelly is a master manipulator I love it: After talking shit about Clare as Clare approaches, “We were just talking about the awkward date with Lauren.” She’d be amaze at Bachelor Pad. RIP (?)

Juan Pablo is permanently lost in translation/life because during the extremely intimate rose ceremony he declares, “I love you” everyone, including the girls sends home 2 seconds later.

Elise, maybe its that fucking ugly ass leprechaun dress / skirt combo you’ve got on that sent you home.

OMG soooo psyched for next week in ‘Nam!!




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