The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 6

By The Betches

Ah New Zealand, home of Lorde and those hairy fucks from Flight of the Concords. How romantic. Regardless of where Juan Pablo goes, he always manages to make the destination seem so exotic. “I like dis place, New Zealand, with rivers n mountains.” If someone clues him in that it also has grass and animals he might jizz his pants.

Last night’s episode of the Bachelor was a little bit more boring than usual, in that there was no drama, except for that time Juan Pablo casually sent the girl whose insides consisted of nothing but cupcakes and rainbows home on her 22nd birthday. No probs because, “Ees my life and she needs to see her son, and I have a stronger connection wit Clare’s vagina than Cassandra anyway. What is word bolt? We go to Miami!”

Date with Andi

Juan Pablo claims that he spoke to the locals and discovered this cave for his date with Andi. Seeing as his usual response to the girl’s asking him ‘how are you' is “what it means?”... I’M SURE he spoke to the locals about shit.

If Andi doesn’t win, I'm fairly sure she’s going to be the next Bachelorette.

I’m surprised we didn’t hear Chris Harrison’s voice in the previews be like, “And coming up, the first one piece in bachelor history”

Juan Pablo brings Andi to Shrek’s swamp to chill.

How is this "the most romantic date ever” he’s literally just your tour guide.

It would be really funny if Andi got stuck between the caves. Cue 127 Hours sequel starring a confused Juan Pablo who realizes only after he cut his arm off that he wasn’t the one who was stuck.

“A geyser completely ruined our dinner” Omg samesies.

Andi: If I didn’t have a job it’d be okay as long as I had like, a boyfriend.

GODDAMNIT ANDI YOU HAD SO MUCH HOPE. “It’s so ironic to standing next to a geyser because our chemistry is bursting as well”

Group Date

Cassandra is turning 22 so she wants Juan Pablo to make her a birthday insta pic stitch.

This date looks like a lot of fun but coming out of the plastic ball also looks a lot like birth.

Kat: "This is like the epicenter of Lord of the Ring fans huge losers "

Renee: "I feel like where I am with Juan Pablo today is where I’ve ben in relationships after 7 or 8 months." Like, do you hear yourself? This is literally the 2nd time you’ve kissed him. You’ve had a maximum of 4 conversations and they all consisted of you reminding Juan Pablo what your son’s name is.

Sharleen just bowed down to accept the rose. These fucking freaks.

Poor girl, when Juan Pablo is letting Cassandra down easy, Cassandra’s face is just like, “Do I tell this asshole that it’s my birthday or do I let him figure it out on his own?” Then again, the fact that Cassandra is the same age as I was abroad makes me uncomfortable that this is her abroad experience. Getting sent home too soon on account of not being enough fun.

Date with Clare

He’s never kissed a girl in front of Camila…except for the 20 on TV who she won’t be able to forget because she can literally re-watch it!

Ew you’re so cliche. “Was that our first fight?”

As much as I hate Clare I must admit she speaks really well without getting emotional.

“He apologized for how he acted” … but diddddd he apologize?


Cocktail Party / Rose Ceremony

“I just feel like there’s something here...” Chelsie campaigning for a rose is sadder than a freshman girl brown nosing during rush.

“Having the conversation we had tonight, where he just listened, I know Chelsie’s the one going home.” Kat, you talked AT him, and what you thought was Juan Pablo’s “listening face” was just him nodding along because he either couldn’t understand what you were saying, didn’t give a shit, or he really had to pee.

I feel like Renee is growing on him like a single mom fungus.

Unfortunately for Kat, who looks and is probably just as crazy as Sweet Dee, her stories about her alcoholic father and cuddling her sister and journaling do not give Juan Pablo a sympathy boner. Also unfortunately for Kat, he doesn’t give a shit enough about her to send her home privately.

Kat’s Journal:

Dear Journal,

This is my first and only journal entry because I need some shit to tell Juan Pablo tonight so he feels bad for me. I want a sandwich.


After a girl goes home, Sharleen always looks like someone died.

"On some days I’m like 'Hm. This could be. Ah. I don’t know' And on other days I’m like ‘Ah yeah I don’t know either ah. Let’s see.’" - Deep thoughts by Juan Pablo.




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