The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Women Tell All

By The Betches

For a Women Tell All episode the women basically told us jack shit last night. Like sure they all talked a lot of shit about him and everyone including Chris Harrison but excluding Sharleen were loving it, but nothing was really that scandalous. We just kept seeing clips of what we already saw on the show, found out that Kelly has gay parents, and that Sean Lowe and Chris Harrison come really quickly.

Sean, Catherine and the Muppets

Chris Harrison: Sean, I’m sorry for telling everyone you were a virgin at Barnes and Noble and I’m sorry for telling everyone now.

'Looking to start trying for a baby in 12 months' my ass Catherine looks so pregnant that baby is about to shoot out of her bangs.

You can’t go from talking about how fast Chris Harrison comes to showing Kermit and Miss Piggy.

This insertion of the muppets should include a scroll on the bottom: ‘Excuse us while we aggressively interrupt this broadcast to bring you an invasive advertisement that is in actuality the entire reason our network wastes time creating tv shows at all. U mad?'

The Women Tell Essentially The Same Shit

Danielle: "I felt like a lot of our conversations were very surface level." Juan Pablo has no idea who she is. 

Cassandra: “ You know about their childhood and you know what kinda pizza they like” …Relationship advice from a 22 year old. Like sorry C, he’s not going try to memorize your 27 favorite colors.

Based on the landfill size amount of makeup Cassandra applies to her face I’d say her issues run a little deeper than just wanting to find love.

Alli: "In one conversation he asked me where I saw myself in five years and in the next conversation he asked me where I saw myself in three years."   Maybe because you're a nanny he thought you only needed to know how to count to 5.

“I love our house moms!”  - Kat, literally no one is listening to you speak.


"My son is almost 9 so like he’s already watching porn so I have no ish having him see me making out.”

“From the start it was clear that Renee and Juan Pablo had a very special connection.” Um WHO was that clear to? Pretty sure to most people it seemed like he was running away from her. Why is everyone protecting Renee he never liked her that much LET'S JUST SAY IT.

I just wish one of the times that they talk about how Renee and Juan Pablo have a special relationship because they're single parents that Cassandra would throw a tantrum - nobody puts Cassandra's baby in a corner!

Chris: How did it feel when Juan Pablo tore your heart into a million pieces?
Renee: Meh

Instead of sending her kid to camp Renee sent herself to camp.


Chris: Did he handle the situation with Clare in the ocean well?
Sharleen: I thought he had a case of buyer’s remorse.

Sharleen kept coming to Juan Pablo’s defense it was kind of super chill. It made all the girls seem just super bitter that they got sent home because he didn’t like her and she’s like, "Listen, this guy fucking loved me and I went home because I wasn’t that into him even though I found him very curious, like Curious George or a five year old."


Now that she’s the next Bachelorette she seems a lot more confident and her ombre is a lot more chill.

Chris: What was he being negative about?
Andi: The whole process. He wasn’t being grateful for the activity that he had.

...I feel like everything Andi is saying that was wrong with him isn’t like that horrible - it just sounds like he wasn’t all that into her. What I really got from this episode is that he wanted to marry Sharleen. Big mistake. HUGE.

“There were a lot of things about Juan Pablo that I really liked. He was very attractive and I enjoyed spending time with him." That’s like 1 thing about him that you really liked.

Juan Pablo’s Little Package:

Walks in. Looks at all the women. Thinks: who the fuck are you?

“I introduce my daughter to all the girls I fuck. She gets mad presents she loves it.”

“This one is me and my little package.” Let’s get #juanpabloslittlepackage trending asap.

“I'd rather appreciated being honest than not appreciated not being honest.” The fact that he just repeated himself means that he saw himself say this on the show and thought, "Wow I sound completely coherent, AMAZING. I’ll make sure to say it again.”


And TBH next week is def not going to be that dramatic.




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