January 6, 2015
Last night was the season premiere of the 23432nd season of the Bachelor with Chris “Prince Farming” Soules as our promising new contestant. But in addition to watching 30 women embarrass themselves on national television, this premiere brought with it a studio audience of literally every single person that’s been on the show in the past 10 years besides Juan Pablo. Since when is The Bachelor a red carpet event? It's like the award season of the year for the horny and desperate.
Anyway, this season looks like it’s shaping up nicely as we have a nice mix of pretty yet dumb cocktail waitresses, makeup artists, and girls with stripper names. Also, Chris gave the rose to the blackout betch which proves what we’ve known all along: blacking out during any and all social occasions is ALWAYS the answer.
We’re taken to Winchestertonfieldville Iowa, where Chris shows us that he’s just a small town girl living in a lonely world whose hobbies include farming, eating plants, riding tractors, and attempting to cat-call nonexistent women on the main streets of his farming village. Is the theme of this season Signs because if so I hope Blakely makes a cameo as a blood sucking alien.
But really, CAN CHRIS SPEAK UP? I didn't realize I signed up for a season of inaudible whispering.
"Love is a lot like farming," says Chris. Fuck, it's started already.
"There just aren't enough women," says Chris who then goes to a diner/bar with his fellow farmers where the men are about to suggest a mail-order bride. I can’t believe there’s only 400 people in this town. I had more people in my high school. I know a girl who fucked more people than that. She’s engaged now
"This is the first time I will miss harvest," - shit I’ve legitimately never heard anyone say ever.
Who's going to tend to the corn while Chris is making out with seven girls on a boat off the coast of Majorca? I’m sure he’s riding his fucking motorcycle to LA.
Chris: I hope to find someone to force to come live on this farm in the middle of nowhere with me. – Fairy tales do come true.
These former bachelor contestants are pretending they're real celebrities it's so cute.
Question: WTF, is Catherine wearing a cape? Answer: YES
Catherine: We're super boring. Like New Years we were on the couch in our sweats.
Chris B. Harrison: Wow, losers!
Chris then asks Sean and Catherine for some advice for the people on this season. Sean recommends praying to Jesus and Catherine recommends not blacking out, two things I would never try at home.
We then see an interview with Lacey and Marcus who are still nauseatingly in love. Lacey is 80 shades lighter than she was on Bachelor in Paradise. Not to worry about her though, because she is releasing a new perfume called “I Do.” I’ve always wondered what the scent tanning oil and exploitation would be like in a perfume.
Nikki - "I just wanted to stand by my man so that's why I went on Couples Therapy." Nikki needed to stop talking immediately but unfortunately her red carpet interview was 30 MINUTES LONG.
Brit – Waitress who is seen soliciting free hugs in her hometown. "My last relationship we didn't have sex at all. I’m a very touchy person." This makes total sense. Immediately bursts into tears when seeing Chris. A simple hello would suffice.
Brit to Chris: A wife is someone who gives you a coupon for free hugs and harrasses you about how your day is going.
Brit gets first impression rose. A first night make out usually does not happen so it looks like she's a serious frontrunner. But how will Brit find a job in Iowa after all those years she spent building up her resume at Denny's?
Jillian - News anchor for a network so legit that they don't care about ABC's cameras perusing their station. "Finding love is a competition."
Amanda - Ballet instructor that lives with her mom and looks like she's been permanently shocked by a taser gun. Hobbies: not paying bills, not cooking, not cleaning. Samesies.
Amanda to Chris: I just want to introduce myself and be like "you're super hot now let's have a great conversation!!" Is she on molly her eyes are like bugging out of her head and she won't stop fucking saying 'super.' She actually looks exactly like Amanda from Princesses of Long Island.
Whitney: Fertility nurse. Hobbies: Completing people's families, staring longingly at married couples on the street, walking aimlessly along the beach, talking to her dog.
Mackenzie: Has like a 9 year old son Kale named after her favorite vegetable and is awkwardly 21 so you do the math. This is what happens when you get rejected from a Teen Mom casting call. Wants to have a son named corn with Chris. This is the same girl who brings in the watercolors to paint with him. Like, where do these bitches put these art supplies when they're getting out of the limo? Ironically girl with the kid named Kale doesn’t know what an alfalfa sprout is and asks if it's organic.
Bo: They could have picked a plus size model that isn’t an actual giant and she could’ve been wearing a more attractive dress. And she could’ve not been named BO.
Alyssa: Flight attendant. Hobbies include sorting the Fanta from the Dr. Pepper, taking advantage of expensive flight equipment to whore herself out for fame, making love/flying among the clouds analogies.
Kelsey: Cute widow who is also a school counselor. Seems normal but it remains to be seen.
Megan: Makeup artist. Chris is enchanted by her “rare” blue eyes.
Regan: Donated Tissue Specialist which is fucking creepy. She brought Chris some of her tissue. Proves she's got what it takes because she probably killed the 31st contestant in the limo and put her heart in a cooler.
Tara: Put on a fucking dress Tara this isn't a Nashville audition. Oh shit she then changes into a funeral dress but she’s like, still wearing her Baby G watch. "My best friends might be Jameson and Johnny Walker.” Token drunk mess of the night, somebody’s gotta do it.
Kaitlyn: You can plow the fuck out of my field any day. TGF alert, this is a family show Kaitlyn.
THE BIG TWIST: The girls think there are slightly less females than expected.
We get to meet some girl that went to high school with Chris. If this 40 year old woman with a bowl cut is the top of the line pick for this Iowa town I kind of understand why Chris has to exploit himself on national television to find a date.
Chris B. Harrison: Pick one word to describe Brit. "Genuine, sincere, cunt." OMG Michelle Money with the below the belt "I heard she doesn’t shower" comment. Someone must be moody since she broke up with Cody 2 weeks ago (and mutually announced it on Instagram).
OMG surprise twist there are...more women than we thought there were. Love how they keep calling them new girls as if they didn't arrive like, 12 minutes after everyone else.
Samantha: Has sex with everyone, probs.
Juelia: What the fuck kind of cracked out parents spell Julia like that.
Tandra: Rides up on her Harley.
Chris: All these girls are way hotter than Iowa girls.
Brittany: WWE in training looks like she's wearing a corset or like, a doily threw up on her.
Carly: Cruise ship singer looks like she just escaped from from Epcot Theme Park.
Tracy: 4th grade teacher. She proceeds to read a letter from her students begging him to pick her so she doesn't end up lonely with 9 cats. Is the American public school system so bad that 9 year olds have to worry about their teachers forcing them to write letters to men begging them to date Miss Tracy?
This is the first season where the line of questioning will include “DO YOU inseminate hogs!?
Kimberly: Yoga Instructor, does not take ‘you do not get a rose’ for an answer.
Jade: Cosmetics designer. I’m torn because I like the name Jade but it also sounds like someone who only accepts single dollar bills.
Ashley: Super annoying with the onions and the yellow flowers. "Omg are you dying? Are you dying? I've never ridden a horse. I want to see sunflower fields."
Drunk Tara has drunk Mischa Barton's facial expressions in the OC season where she overdoses in Tijuana. I can't believe Chris wants to give her a rose. "See that girl dry heaving in the back. That's my future wife.” If he's going to pick her can he call her already so she can go take a nap. Tara's drunken rose is a win for blackout fuck ups everywhere. YAYY.
Jillian better get a rose or she'll head lock him.
Tara is like about to pass out during the end of episode toast. I'll be surprised if she makes it home with both heels.