It’s a good week for Bachelor Nation. Yesterday, Ben and Lauren broke up—and if you’re wondering why that’s good news, obviously it’s because now I can shoot my shot at Ben. (Sidebar: Hi.) Well today, ABC announced a Bachelor spin-off, and no, it’s not Bachelor in Paradise. My life is complete. Now all I need is for Nick and Vanessa to end their sham of a relationship and I can die happy. But that probably won’t happen for another 10 months or so when their endorsements completely dry up, so until then I’ll have to bide my time with this new show.
So this new Bachelor spin-off isn’t what you’d expect—no oiled-up singles fucking on an island or barrel-curled singles not fucking in Fantasy Suites. It’s going to be a challenge-style competition show, so it’s basically going to be ABC’s version of Are You The One: Second Chances. (Which you should all watch so you can read my recaps, BTW.)
We don’t have a ton of info about the new show, which isn’t all that surprising considering Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette premiers on Monday and we still don’t even know who the fuckboys contestants are. But we do know that the show, called The Bachelor Winter Games (imaginative) will “feature former participants from past seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette from arch rivals to villains.” So like, Chad and Alex? Corinne and Taylor? Nick and any woman who has ever rejected him? Honestly, I’m here for it. According to ABC, this “ode to the Winter Games” (like, the Olympics, get it?) will “take competitive dating to a chilling new level,” so I’m really excited to see what new and questionably ethical ideas the producers come up with. Variety explains, “the spinoff will reunite the all-stars at a luxurious winter resort where they will go head-to-head in winter-themed athletic challenges, including the toughest sport of all—love.”
Me:
Obviously none of us have any idea WTF this means. Are they going to be doing snow chores, much like Nick’s infamous farm chores date? Will there be like, skiing races? Maybe they’ll each have to build an igloo that symbolizes their love? Who the fuck knows. But I’ll (begrudgingly) watch this, because I do not give one single fuck about the actual Winter Olympics. And this show will make me feel much less shitty about myself for my lack of athletic abilities. Everybody wins!
While we don’t know who’s going to be on this new spin-off—we don’t even know who’s going on Paradise yet, FFS—I’ve taken the liberty of making a few predictions.
1. Corinne
Corinne would be terrible at this game, as is evidenced by her refusal to follow any Bachelor rules on Nick’s season. However, she would make for great television. I would live to see Corinne nope out of like, some snow shoveling challenge and just hole up with some hot cocoa and then take one of her famous naps.
2. Ashley I.
I mean, it’s pretty much a given that Ashley I. will show up on any and all spin-offs, as long as they keep letting her. And, I mean, I’m curious to see how those lash extensions will hold up under extreme cold, so count me in.
3. Chad
Once again, I will watch Chad Johnson on television until the end of time, or until he gets arrested for killing one of the contestants and feasting on his flesh. Whichever comes first. Is it in any way ethical or safe to put this roided-out time bomb in close quarters, basically unsupervised, with a bunch of his unarmed peers? Hell no. Is it great television? You fucking bet.
4. Raven
Given that I’m pretty sure Raven’s first time seeing snow was in Finland during the final three date, watching her attempt winter sports would be like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs. Let’s hope that someone doesn’t make her orgasm on Paradise so she’ll be willing to sign up for this shit show.
5. Wells
Where the fuck has Wells gone? Seriously. How you gonna go from everyone’s fan favorite to a literal ghost? We already know from his Instagram that Wells can rock a beanie, so let’s see what else this human incarnation of a puppy can do.
