The Best Bachelorette Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 5

By The Betches

Before we go West Virginia hoodrat backwoods on this ep, we must commend Chris B. Harrison for his divorce weight loss. If you listen carefullly you can sort of hear Chris' bitterness about the institution of marriage just a tad in his voice. "That's right, you're on your way to being Emily's husband. Run for the fucking hills fellas you're in for a nightmare!"

So the crew is off to London where they showed the Brits how classy Americans do Shakespeare. To fuck or not to fuck? That is the question. More on that later. WTF kind of pink hotel is this? Em, I'm not remotely surprised by the fact that you are staying at the tackiest place in the Old World, nor by the fact that you prefer PB&J with crusts to chic crumpets.

real world roundup"I just wanna do hood rat stuff wit ma friends."

OH and Emily, wherefore art thou your voice? Were you so nervous about this trip that you smoked an entire pack of reds? Westminster Abbey...more like Westminster Crabby.

Date with Sean

First of all, what was with that random unnecessary monologue? Sean, no one asked you about love, they asked you about freedom of speech. I have a dream that one day I will get it in.

King Henry like lived in the London Tower, and this is where Lord Farmershire and Duchess Muffy got married, so I've decided to take Sean on a date to a prison so that he can see what life with me and Ricki will be like. ...yea we fucking predicted that all the people on this show would make an embarrassment of themselves with their lack of history knowledge, but seriously Emily? Love takes no prisoners, Sean is my prisoner tonight, I love to contradict myself.

Calling it now: Sean will win. You know what they say, the couple that highlights their hair in piss colored hues together...stays together.

The Shakespeare play - some observations

Ah they're going to a place called Cox's Yard, Kalon must be having a fucking field day. Obviously Gay-lon is all like, yea I'm taking this seriously THIS IS THEATRE! He is soooo Mr. G right now.

Alejandro is pissed his mullet didn’t get a role in this play.

real world roundup


Arie just called Olde English a foreign language, he probably didn’t even go to a state school.

Doug liked dressing like a woman a little TOO much.

“I hate acting”…well then why are you on a “reality” tv show?

Kalon to Emily: "get the fuck out of here bitch. I was the finest Othello at Choate. I will show you fucking Romeo."

Arie isn’t down to play a female nurse in a bootleg Shakespeare play, therefore he may not be good husband material.

Ryan totally face-raped Emily. Then he was all like, THIS IS REAL, OK??? ....So I guess its safe to assume he didn’t buy that necklace at Van Cleef?

Group Date - the Kalon shit

So someone needed to tell Emily that Kalon called Ricki baggage. And it couldn't be Alejandro...because he can't speak English. Alas, it was Doug aka Superdad.

So you see the difference between the Bachelor and the Bachelorette. When the girls talked shit about Courtney to the Bachelor he was like, chill the fuck out. This girl is hot. She can be the spawn of satan I will not let you ruin this. When guys talk shit about Kalon to the Bachelorette, she's like, tell me more! What a fugly slut! I will destroy you Kalon!

On par with the bros who bitch about Ricki are the one's who irrationally defend her. “I think she’s raising an amazing daughter” ...umm do you know Ricki?

Anyway, cheers to Kalon for being the only honest bro to call out the fact that Ricki is the equivalent to Emily having a tail. Let's be real here, having a 6 year old from a previous marriage is clearly baggage. If the word 'baggage' is rude that's why we prefer party foul. I mean...surprise! the bro who arrived in a helicopter and requires more chapstick than a fluffer can't possibly be there for the right reasons.

After Emily tells him to get the fuck out, Kalon immediately checks his iPhone to see where the nearest Burberry outlet is. Meanwhile, Ryan's on the couch and he's thinking, Shit, now all my banter about being the next bachelor has to be saved exclusively for the private cameras.

Date with Jef

real world roundupAll good moms choose Jef

Jef was so happy to get a date with Emily, he couldn't wait to show her this cool new makeout trick, and his geography teacher just showed him London on a map! If jimmy neutron and a teddy bear fucked, Jef would result.

This whole etiquette nonsense with Jean was beyond belief. Jef had extreme ADD and was all like, if I had known I was going back to prep school with Head Mistress Gene I would've taken my fucking adderall this morning.

But then Jef makes everything better by constructing a metaphor between Ricki and designer handbags. No straight guy should know what Chloe is. Gay men know designers, straight men don't!

Rose Ceremony

Emily does her standard Spanish Inquisition shit where she makes steely “mean” faces and asks clipped questions: Why? What makes you feel that way? Really?

Doug gets the first rose for his role as whistle blower.

Finally they get rid of fucking Alejandro. If they had kept him one more episode I would've been sure it was some part of conspiracy on the part of ABC for the producers to get discounted premium Colombian cocaine.

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