Last night on The Bachelorette we got to witness the bros vying for Jojo's time and affection while slowly evolving into the Plastics...clearly the natural result of flying a bunch of pretty, unemployed people to Uruguay and forcing them to compete for short stemmed roses. We also said goodbye to a lot of randos whose names I never learned, and finally a special sayonara to Chad, which is probs what Evan whispers to himself nightly before he masturbates. Let's break it down.
The whole song they sing to say goodbye to Chad is super gay. But on the other hand I would love to see The Bachelorette: A Musical.
Jordan: I don't care that you work out by yourself, I don't care that you ate the last piece of string cheese, just leave us alone.
Evan: AND I WANT MY PINK SHIRT BACK!!
Now that Chad is gone the guys can finally turn on each other. YAY! And can we please GTFO out of Nemacolin? Enough with this shitty excuse for a sponsorship, ABC!
This is one fancy fucking NYE dress for a random Monday night. If this is her dress tonight what's her dress going to be for the finale...a Fritz Bernaise!? But honestly Jojo is my fashion kweeeeen.
Dan: If this was based solely on looks I'd still be here but clearly Jojo is looking for someone who doesn't look like a serial killer who's going to cut her up into a million pieces so I guess that meant I was going home.
I guess the boxing club owner's poetry just didn't cut it. Joe, you're 33. You should get on a real dating website at this point.
On a side note, how do they get someone who can write poetry every season? Honestly, who writes poems?
"Every rose ceremony has been full of surprises. Someone has been sent home every week that was very surprising." Yes that indeed...surprising that you think we need to be told the definition of a surprise.
Jojo accuses Jordan of cheating and being generally shitty to girls in his past and he whips out the 'my pastor always says' card.
Jojo: I hear you used to be a cheater.
Jordan: No I wasn't.
Jojo: I'm glad I cleared everything up with Jordan today I feel so relieved.
Jordan: When I say I'm ready, I mean I'm ready to fall for you and spend time with you...and potentially be the next Bachelor.
Where did Jojo meet this alleged girlfriend of Jordan's?
Alex on the Magazine debacle: People who talk about private relationships in a public forum are despicable.
Alex's interview 5 minutes ago: Jordan's relationship with Jojo is bullshit!
Jojo: I'm just so happy...there's nothing that can take away this feeling.
Producer: Here's a slandering spread in In Touch about you!
How much did the country of Uruguay pay for this placement? No one can pronounce the name of the country, or at least no one is confident that they are pronouncing it right. UruguAY...oooraguey, ooragwhy!?
Vinny the exotic barber keeps promouncing it U-ro-gu-ayyyy! because he's so fucking cultured.
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE MAGAZINES!! How did they get these English magazines to Uruguay? Perhaps they were imported by ....PRODUCTION!?
All these dudes in the house are passing around an In Touch like it's porn.
Evan: Hey uh was there any info in that mag about Ryan Gosling or any celeb dick size??? - Why do I feel like all of Evan's ED "expertise" comes from personal experience.
Jojo is bored of Luke's blabbing so she takes a nap on his chest.
Derek gets the rose and immediately the guys turn into insecure pussies.
"Regina doesn't even like you that much! Why would she give you a rose!?" - Alex thinks he's Regina George but he's actually Gretchen Weiners.
Food truck man: You married?
Robbie: Very possiblé. Yo soy tu papa!
Love how this date is "spontaneous" but they both just happened to bring water shoes!
It'd be great if Robbie just waited till she wasn't looking and shoved her off the cliff.
This guy is in love with Jojo? That's funny because it's the FIRST DAY YOU HUNG OUT WITH HER EVER.
Robbie: I've fallen in love with you Jojo
Jojo: Thank you so much
What she really wanted to say: WTF dude?
Of course you're the happiest person in Uruguay, Robbie. You're like the only person there with health insurance.
Robbie: I'm an emotional person. I got it from my mama.
Chris Harrison: The cocktail party has been cancelled. One last thing: Who took a shit in my dressing room?
If Grant AND Vinny leave who will wear the world's tightest jeans!?