The Best Men Tell All Recap You'll Ever Read

By The Betches

So last night's Men Tell All was less interesting than the time and temperature from TD bank that kept popping up during the commercial breaks. At least that information was relatively useful unlike the pow wow Des had with Ali, Emily, and some other Bach bitches I forgot existed. Seriously though, how much did they pay Ashley to show up and not speak for yet another waste of airtime "advice session."

The only thing more pathetic than the sad loser middle aged freak divorcees making concerned faces for Des in the audience is Bachelor Nation as a whole. Des is so fucking boring that these girls can't even get excited about her "surprise" visiting them without backup "superstar" couple JP and Ashley. We're sure all the viewing party girls were extremely surprised by their visit given that they wore cocktail dresses to watch the fucking Bachelor. And obviously had to sign waivers to be filmed.

Des calls her first house visit a success. What wouldn't be a success, Des? The teen girls treating you like your brother treats most house guests? 

Juan Pablo

Juan Pablo reveals that he just came on the show to kick it and chill with the bros but really we know it was because he's too cheap to buy Rosetta Stone English.

Why is Juan Pablo having a therapy session with Chris Harrison? Is he going to be the next Bachelor or is there another reason ABC is giving him more air time than he had during the entire season?

Zak W

Zak revelas his secrets to getting over Des: "It's about enriching your life by things like journaling in invsible ink just like normal grown men do. It's hard to get out there and meet women when you're 31 years old and have to hit on women alone when your smile looks like something out of a slasher movie." 

Chris takes it upon himself to read Zak's very personal journal to the entire studio audience. Really though it seems like Zak googled "generic love poem" and then copied it into his special journal. ALSO WHO THE FUCK WOULD SIGN THEIR JOURNAL "ZAK W?" This is supposed to be a note to your girlfriend, not your third grade teacher.

Oh my God is he really singing another fucking song. Like let it go man, you're embarrassing yourself. This reminds me of the Mr. Hyunh song from Hey Arnold.

Everyone Else

Michael G.: You put 24 guys in a room fighting over one woman and some of them are gonna accidentally fuck each other in the bathroom when the cameras aren't around.

Chris Harrison: Brian isn't here so please feel free to talk shit about him.

Chris Harrison: "So James, would you be the next bachelor? Yeah? WELL SUCKS BECAUSE YOU CAN'T!"

I feel robbed that ABC would waste my time by hashing out the EXACT SAME fights and dilemmas that aired a couple weeks ago. We get it. Ben is a bad dad, James isn't here for the right reasons, Zak W has the face of an old Louis Vuitton handbag. NOTED.




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